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#327701 - 04/08/10 05:34 AM Ending all medical treatment...
Whicker Offline

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
I feel very-much like a heel, for Posting. It's been such a very long time since I've really visited and read/responded here.
But "MS" was the first site I discovered, that spoke in the terms, and frame-of-mind, that was so very much needed.

I say this like it's the 'Past-tense', but it isn't.

For over 10 years now, I've seen various Dr.s, been on next to everything for the depression/PTSD, all with little to no positive results. Just a seemingly endless face-to-face with still another 'New' Dr., and a recitation of the past that I really, really, just want to incinerate and have done with already!

I don't like what the side effects have been, and I've decided that enough, is simply enough.

I've beeen weaning myself off the drugs currently being taken, canceled my next/future appts. with the Doc., and am going to find-out what's REALLY going-on inside me?

'Words', don't seem to really make an impact with the Docs.. The scars covering my body, from years of SI, only hazard a look of repulsion, or the inevitable 'Are you in immediate threat of killing yourself?'...

Career(s) are gone, and there's no hope of returning to any of them, with my medical history. Most of my Family is dead, with only two 'Pets' remaining. The emptiness of my home is unbelievable.


All I really want, is to sleep a full night's sleep. Out cold. No nightmares, or at least, none that I can recall come the morning!

All I really hoped for, was some help with the pain from the many physical injuries I've received over this lifetime. I'm O.D.'ing on Tylenol/alcohol, because that's all I have. Again, an indifferent look, or my request for something that will really help, falls on deaf ears?...

Yeah, tell ME about the greatness of the 'Healthcare' system here in the U.S. of A.! (I HAVE 'Medicare', and partial V.A., not that it's done a damn bit of good!)...

I'm more mad at 'Hoping' they'll actually help, and always being disappointed, than I am at myself, for the stupid, idiotic mistakes I made in the past, and for the shyte I was put through as a child, by those I was supposed to be able to trust...


It can go to Hell, on the fastest Path possible!...

'Hope' can tag-along as well!...

(Just one pissed-off Soul, who's had enough!)

Rant over...

:: Returning you to your regularly scheduled program::


Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

#327709 - 04/08/10 07:01 AM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Whicker]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hello Whicker:

I haven't met you before, welcome back, sorry that you still need to come back, but there is hope here, despite your experience in recovery so far. A close friend of mine here in Colorado, Vietnam-era disabled, gets morphine from the VA here for his disability, (a crushed disk in his back from an armored vehicle accident many years ago). Some people might say that morphine isn't doing him much good, but it does allow him to live a fairly normal life, even though he is disabled, and would be in terrible pain without it. He currently runs a rare coin business and does some commercial photography despite his disability, plus helps raise his two grade-school age kids. He has Hep-C and doesn't drink, though he does use medical grass, which is legal here too.

Still, getting off of drugs that aren't having the desired effect might be a good thing too, I'll be interested to find out what happens in the way of an increase or decrease in your experience with invasive nightmares too. Hope that we continue to hear more from you, there have been a good number of us who have found our way to a much better life through recovery, many with the help and support offered here at MS too. I wouldn't give-up just yet, there is still hope for a better experience if you are willing to try.

Recovery is possible, if you are willing to keep trying,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#327742 - 04/08/10 08:36 PM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Trucker51]
Charlie24 Offline

Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I don't know what to say, but I'm happy to listen to you.

I can relate going cold turkey on medications. I do believe in the long run it helped me. The side effects were just too much. I feel like when I look back on it now it made me suicidal and even more depressed, funny it was supposed to alleviate the depression, what's wrong with that picture.

I've found that exercise and eating right seems to help.

We are happy to listen and offer support.


#327803 - 04/09/10 05:17 AM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Charlie24]
Survivinguy Offline

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado
Hey man first things first - don't feel like a heel for posting here after being gone for a bit - some of us take breaks from MS for all kinds of reasons - the key is to remember, the door is always open, you are always welcome here and people truly care for and relate to you in your sufferings. Let go of that shame about being gone a while - you came back, the door is still open and fellow survivors are here reaching out to you. Come in, sit down, share with us and heal with us.

On the failures of the doctors or medicines I guess what comes to mind is whether you've considered or tried alternative methods? Often times simple exercises or a walk or a new routine helps create a new release. Also a bunch of folks on here talk about alternative treatments like hypnotherapy, EMDR, accupuncture - in Lew's book he lists probably 8 other kinds of therapy - have you tried some of the less "Western Med" approaches yet?

Last thought for now - you still have your humor! "::Returning you to your regularly scheduled program::" smile All is not lost!

Hang in there, welcome back, open up again when you are ready and join us in healing.


I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

#327811 - 04/09/10 09:05 AM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Whicker]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hey whicker,

i love your sig [ 'seem' rather than to be]. That was me in a nutshell. for so many years i invested so much energy into 'seeming' that i lost the 'being' part of me. i guess i was afraid my being would be substandard so i worked hard to project an appearance. i did that to get my emotional needs met, because i had such a deep seated sense of self loathing as a result of so many intertwined and unresolved issues from my early life.

anyway, i never got on the med track, but if i had been aware of my anxiety level during all of those years, i would have done differently about it. truth is, i looked down my nose at people who couldn't handle life without meds; i am ashamed to say that, but thinking that way was a way of feeding my own diseased mindset that i had to be better than everyone else in that regard.

this has nothing to do with you and your situation of course, but the sheer pain in your post makes me think of the frustration you feel at not seeming to make any progress on the current track you have been following. for me i reinforced my own frustration as i invested all my energy in manufacturing a life that was never meant to be mine in the first place.

please don't give up hope. please try to reach down inside yourself and find that thread of strength that all of us survivors have which has kept us clinging to life. we are incredibly strong to have survived what we survived ..... and the worst part is that we rarely realize that until we reached a crossroads, where we are given the inspiration to begin to live our life differently.

coming here and telling the truth about your pain and suffering is an essential first step in finding your way out of the cul de sac of misery and despair. please keep coming back and talking, because as they say this is a journey, one which, while it must be done alone, must never be made on one's own effort.

warmest regards,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#327940 - 04/10/10 04:57 PM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Sans Logos]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I too am in Oregon.
As a sufferer myself I can offer some advice. You should stop tylenol immediatly even w/o alcohol it is very destructive of the liver.
I use ibuprofen I was up to 3500mg a day for3+ years, not good but there were no effects other than the heartburn. I get the pills thing I take 6 in morning, 4 at lunch, 4 at dinner, and three at bedtime. It sucks a lot and I don't think for an instant that any medical person I see has any idea that there is an actual physical cause for my problems. My questions are sidestepped blah blah blah.

The mix of acetominephen (tylenol's active ingrediant)and alcohol can't be helping you. I had a blood test a week after using excedrine migraine for a week and my doctor asked me what I had been doing when I mentioned the excedrine she told me to stop it as my liver had shown high levels in my blood test.
I'd been sober for over 8 years at this time. Of course this was the same doctor who insisted that I try oxycodone when I complained to her that I needed something not opiate related for pain. My intestines react badly to it. I got addicted to the oxycodone and then she just disappeared and no one would refill it so I started to drink to get over the withdrawal. Another bad memory of a shitty life.

I'm on Tramadol now for over a year after four years on nothing out of resentment over the oxycodone incident and a lot of other drama that lead to my remembering the abuse that brought me here. It is an opiate base but it doesn't affect the bowels as intensely and it doesn't get you high.

Good luck brother but I don't recomend you take four years off if you are in that much pain it will change how your mind works and how you see the world in a negative way.
I am pretty sure what my physical symptoms come from. Part of it is the injuries inflicted on me as a child that I was made to sublimate and then effects of living a life in involuntary denial of my abuse which made me so emotionally unstable I couldn't properly use my mind so I ended up in physical labor which destroyed whatever I had left of physical ability.
Then the sugeaon who misplaced screws which no one will acknowledge was thge problem, for 14 months I had them in and by the time they were taken out along with a bunch of bone the damamge was done. I mention this so you know that I didn't settle back into taking meds again w/o knowing what was up. The other options I explored only hurt me more.
You should make sure you know what is the cause of your symptoms in my opinion just for the peace of mind of it even if, and this is very likely, the doctors responsible for your care won't say anything that might make any other doc look bad. Oh and two of the pills I take are fish oil and ginko biloba for circulation. The rest is all on docotors orders plus the 200-800+ mg of ibuprofen I use daily on top of all that I listed.

Edited by kidneythis (04/10/10 08:31 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#329012 - 04/20/10 06:33 AM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: kidneythis]
Whicker Offline

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
Been remiss in answering all your kind and supporive replies, and I apologize.
'Thanks', one-and-all, for taking the time to read and write a response! I greatly appreciate them all.
Tons of stuff happening, none of it 'Good'...
I have to find another place to live, as my current situation here at the ranch is just beyond my physical/mental abilities. I really love it here, and am keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be able to find another rural place to live like this one, but without the, erm, 'Drama' involved (that this place has in 'Spades!')?...

So, I'll be dropping off the 'Radar' (again), till I get resettled.

I hope it's a quick Task. I don't want to have to move in the Winter, and certainly, don't want to be living out of my truck for too long a time!

"Be Well," everyone!


Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

#329796 - 04/26/10 02:13 PM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Whicker]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Well at least its spring. try to be safe and I hope you find a good situation soon.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#333185 - 06/07/10 03:34 PM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: kidneythis]
Whicker Offline

Registered: 11/01/03
Posts: 117
Loc: Pastures of Oregon
I have to wonder, just how far someone can fall, before they just,,, I don't know,,,, 'Implode'?....

Left the meds. Cancelled the appts. Actually thought I was doing the right thing.
For awhile.
'Person, 'Heal Thyself'?...'

I went down to the small graveyard, that now houses six, of my 7 surviving critters. Do you have any idea what it's like, to see/watch the last remaining members of your Family die, and not be able to do a damn constructive thing about it? (yes, I know that some of you do, and you understand the grief, and feeling of failing despair such a thing causes)...

I S.I., to try and control the inner pain. Those who don't, can never understand the compulsion this urge causes. I'm not going to try and support it. It defies logic, and reason (sorta). But it's a very real method.

I went too far, in my efforts.
I was found, lying over the tiny graveyard of my dead family.
I was taken to the V.A. hospital in Portland.
I was treated, and made stable.
But my mental status, is not related to my military wounds.
So I was transferred to the State Hospital.

ECT was prescribed, and I really just didn't give a damn, anymore. I mean, shit, how much worse can it be?


Oh, how kind ignorance can be!?

While in that place, housed with the CRIMINALLY INSANE (because, you see, 'I' was a danger to myself, and hence, 'Others'!)....

I was raped, again.
By two other Inmates,,, oh,,, excuse me,,, 'Patients!' (serving LIFE sentences! )

They hurt, me.
I hurt them.
'I' was being brought-up on charges, BY the ones who attacked me!
(Dropped, after a couple of weeks, because the other, confessed that it was he and his partner, who attacked me, first!)...

Have ANY DAMN IDEA, what it's like, to GO, and put yourself IN confined hospitalization, trying to get help,,, only to have the VERY SAME DAMN THING that haunts you,,,, happen again!!!???

I give up.

I don't know what it is, exactly, that has made 'Me', such a friggin target, to the deviants in this world.

Know what?
I don't give a rats-ass, anymore.

Fuck the world.

Fuck society.

Let humanity rot in the hell its created.

I quit.

I'm not playing anymore.

I bid you all the very best, in your own Recovery.
I know, still, somehow, that not all of this world is a twisted ruin.
But I haven't seen, nor lived it.



I'm packing my Alice Pack, and heading down the gravel road. Have my knife, and rifle. Pistol, and wits (what's left).

Sounds insane, I know.

But shyte....

It's an insane world.

Wish me luck. I only want to live-out the rest of my days in peace, and quiet.

Find a solitary meadow, somewhere.
Lie down 'neath the sky, and relish the Sun, then Stars.

I'm not playing the 'Game' any more.




Esse Quam Videri
(To be, rather than to seem)

#333189 - 06/07/10 04:01 PM Re: Ending all medical treatment... [Re: Whicker]
Pattycakes Offline

Registered: 05/23/10
Posts: 109
Loc: Canada

call a friend!! PM a guy here !! I won't pretend to know how you feel I will just plead you to talk to someone.... Please?

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.-Mother Theresa

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