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#326559 - 03/29/10 06:01 PM abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****)
Rad Offline

Registered: 03/29/10
Posts: 4
Hi everyone--

Like I said in my intro post, I wanted to share some details of my abuse and (hopefully) get a little confirmation that it *was* abuse- just to combat the craziness of my family telling me it wasn't. The details aren't like some of the graphic horror stories you hear sometimes, but it's potentially triggering stuff to anyone who was abused so please use your own good judgment about what's best for you to read or not to read--

Some memories are of my father sexually abusing me. When I was 5-10 years old would force me to stand in front of him while he would hold me tightly with one hand and put his other hand down my pants inside my underwear, feeling my buttocks (mostly) and genitals (sometimes). If I tried to get away he would hold me even tighter and yell at me to stay still. The creepiness of it is hard to convey- while he was doing this he was also talking to me and there were weird facial expressions and sounds and movements of his eyes. When someone pointed out to me the weird way that hitler would give speeches- his eyes and mouth moving independent of each other- I thought "that's just like my father- his eyes and mouth and face and hands all disconnected from each other." His hand felt like a dead fish moving around on my body.

I can't remember what he said while he did this- even the sound of his voice still freaks me out. The whole thing was so uncomfortable I would leave my body and feel nothing while it was happening. I would try to avoid him as best I could, but if I didn't come when he called he would get an older brother to make me. That brother was physically abusing me on a daily basis- sadistic and life-and-limb-threatening abuse- and had me in such terror that I dissociated all that as well, and just did whatever they told me to.

My father also forced me to take showers with him around this time, or he would insist on washing me while I took a shower, even though I was old enough to bathe myself. I remember he would wash my buttocks for so long and it always creeped me out so much I would go blank inside until it was over. Also, if he was in the shower he would tell me to get out at some point, and I would stand shivering outside the shower while he "did something." I was too young at the time to know what it was, but from the sounds I remember hearing I'm pretty sure he was masturbating in there.

He also used to spank me bare-assed with a metal ruler when he had some pretext for "punishing me". When I told my sister this, she didn't believe it- and the impression I got was that he may only have been doing that to me. In some ways I feel like I was made into a sacrificial lamb to his perversions- I was the youngest of six and it seems like he had a kind of fetish or something about me.

I also have recovered memories of him coming into my room while I was sleeping and putting his hands on my body underneath the sheets. If I woke up he would say, "I'm just tucking you in" and leave, but I'm pretty sure this was more of the same. His MO was always the same- to pretend that he was doing something else (like washing me, or "checking to make sure I was wearing my underwear") while actually abusing me.

I'm pretty sure it goes all the way back to infancy, but the memories there are more purely physical/emotional than cognitive. I know I get very freaked out when my mother says things like, "You're father was a very unusual man. I don't know any other man who volunteered to help change baby's diapers." It's like I can feel his hands on me even then when I was an infant, and I dissociated then too.

My mother was no help at all. Most of this abuse took place right in front of her eyes. But she was more like a robot than a mother. If I went to her for help, she would just say, "I'm sure he has a good reason for it," or, "That doesn't sound so bad," or "If you don't like it, don't do it." There was no one in the family who paid any attention to what was actually happening to me, and also in general to the whole family because neither of my parents formed any genuine emotional bond with anyone. If I complained about that to my mother, she would just say, "Find yourself another family," and walk away.

The full scope of her neglect is hard to convey in a few words. Once a brother tried to hang me with a rope, and when I came to her with a rope burn around my neck, she glanced up from a magazine, looked at the burn and said, "It's a rope burn, it will heal," then went back to her magazine.

Another brother used to hang me upside down over the second story banister. He was barely strong enough to hold me and might easily have dropped me on my head down a flight of stairs. He did this right out in the open, but both my parents refused to do anything to stop him. My father said, "If I stop him now, he'll just give it to you worse when I'm not here," and then he would laugh this creepy "heh heh heh" way, as if he had just said something extremely clever.

I'd better stop! I didn't mean to go on this long-- I know it's probably weird to write all this and ask others to say, "yes, that's abuse," but it would really be helpful to me right now. My family simply doesn't regard any of it as abuse.


#326567 - 03/29/10 06:28 PM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: Rad]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

yes that's abuse and a lot of it. I'm so sorry for you that you had to endure it them endure the lies they all told you about it. It was abuse of every kind. I'm glad you found a place here where no one will ever lie to you about it again.

Yes, Rad you are a survivor. Welcome.


P.S. Any time you need to hear that's it's abuse when you start to doubt again, just holler!!! We need to hear this a lot.

Edited by sono (03/29/10 06:31 PM)
Edit Reason: P S added
the family
the perp

#326569 - 03/29/10 07:22 PM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: sono]
Ischyros Offline

Registered: 02/27/10
Posts: 78
Loc: Los Angeles, CA

What Sono said. Yes, you were exploited and abused, period. Thank you for the courage it took for you to share your story. I honor your truth and believe in your recovery. Peace and healng to you. Mike.

Proud survivor and WoR alumnus - Sequoia, April 2010

I want to live in the world
Not inside my head
I want to live in the world
I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong...

--Jackson Browne, "Alive In the World"

#326570 - 03/29/10 07:24 PM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: sono]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA

You are very strong to be able to talk about THE abuse, yes, abuse. Those perpetrators, criminals, and accomplices abused a small, innocent child. Your father, your mother, you siblings, someone should have reported, and all should have been brought to justice.

Well, someone did, and it is you. Well done, Rad. Your voice has saved you, your actions have protected you, your decision to break the cycle of abuse, has saved future generations.

Continue to survive, Rad.

Welcome to Male Survivor, you fit just like a glove.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#326592 - 03/29/10 10:49 PM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: SamV]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia

That is sexual/physical abuse and neglect in my eyes.


#326644 - 03/30/10 12:40 PM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: Rad]
Rad Offline

Registered: 03/29/10
Posts: 4
Thanks, guys. Writing down the abuse and getting confirmation from you all was helpful to me. You all seem like a great bunch of guys here- it's good to see men doing this work and supporting each other. Different from the way women do it and that's a good thing to see happening, IMO. We have our own unique depths as men that the world too often misunderstands and rejects.

For me right now it's time to move on to other things, but before I go I just wanted to thank you all for being here and taking the time to read my story and lend your support. Healing happens-- keep up the good work!


#326750 - 03/31/10 02:31 AM Re: abuse confirmation (possible ****trigger****) [Re: Rad]
atari_kid86 Offline

Registered: 02/24/10
Posts: 142
Loc: Michigan
**possible triggers**

Many of the types of things your father did were similar to what my step-father did to me. He always had a reason to walk in the bathroom while I was in the shower, or would give some medcial reason to touch my genitals. He too forced me to bathe with him on a regular basis. There was much more than this as well.

It most CERTAINLY was abuse. At the time though, I didn't question it and it in fact became routine. It's an extremely sick head game he played with me just as your father did to you.

It was abuse, no question about it.


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