I saw a psych nurse yesterday. The purpose was to evaluate my meds. He saw erectile dysfunction and started telling me he could not do anything with the hypertension meds then asked why I was on Straterra (ADHD). He started on med issues and I asked him if he had read the file. He was busy that day and started reading it. I told him the others were probably a factor but the predominant one was likely PTSD from recently recovered memories. We got into a brief run through of issues I am facing. He started reading notes vigorously while listening to me and asking questions about the abuse and my symptoms. When I run down a list of my troubles and symptoms it is very unsettling to me and disturbing. Especially recalling being a social work major and when doing a section on child abuse realizing that I probably had half the symptoms and signs listed but could not remember any abuse.
Without really asking me he said what we would do is start on Zoloft and for the sleep problems, Trazadone. I did stop him and say, hold on, I am not sold on this yet.
The psych nurse said I was likely expending so much mental energy suppressing the memories that it may have either caused or at least worsened the concentration issues over the years, including as a child. I openly wondered whether I was really ADHD at all. What was encouraging is that he told me to expect to be on it for about a year to take the pressure off while the therapists help me deal with the issues and with taking the lid off these symptoms will lesson over time. Is it possible that I can still be normal? I know that is kind of silly if you met me, being a business owner with a wife of 17 years, three kids and a home having played college sports and served in the Army as a paratrooper, but then you would never expect such a guy to have a need to have his wife hold him because he is scared at night. Maybe some day.
Well, I took the Trazadone and started to post a couple of things last night but found myself drifting and almost passed out at the keyboard. I almost lost my balance a couple of times getting to bed and finally collapsed and after a brief period of disorientation was out like a light. For the first time in a long time this morning I did not feel an overwhelming dread. I started the 7 day starter dose of Zoloft this morning and was fairly effective at the office today.
Maybe some day I can stop pretending to be normal and actually become normal.
Edited by catfish86 (03/27/10 02:40 AM)
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.