I can relate, and agree with, so much of what has already been said. For me I knew the facts of my sa, but until I began having uncontrollable seizures in December, I had no experience of the affect associated with those memories. The seizures put me in touch, literally, with the state of helplessness, terror, and over-powering that I was so disconnected from - that I still have difficulty connecting to. I space out and "go out the window" as my therapist says. Dissociation is an important component of any survivors set of tools to cope. That can be gently looked at, but really is not something to push.
I agree, the mind and the body will only give us the information and sensations we are ready for. I'm in a clinical trial right now to help gain some control over the seizure symptoms, and one big thing that is being looked at through the course is my tendency 1. to do things on my own, and 2. to operate in "big, many layered goals" rather than small goals. Seriously, it's blowing my mind to recognize that inner (desperate) drive in me, that is so a result of wanting to escape pain.
I wonder if rather than focusing on what you don't remember or don't feel, if what you can begin to look at and experience is what "is," which to me seems to be a real desire to know more... a sense that to have more details or awareness and experience of the emotional states you experienced would be better than not... that there is something to gain from that. And ask yourself, "what is that gain, do I think?"
Trauma effects us all somewhat differently, and yet there are so many similarities. One that I know I experience, and have seen mirrored in mens' groups I have been in, is the underlying idea that "if _______, then I would somehow be further along, know more, feel better, and be well." Our attempts to know are often coming form our wounded desperate desire to gain some sense of control with a monster that is our trauma. At some point, I cried and cried after all these seizures started because I knew - I felt - that this pain, these symptoms, the feelings stored in my body for years, were the result of something that I needed to be able to call wrong and unfathomable.
This is big stuff. Try to recognize when you are maybe putting the pressure on, and as so many have said, understand that what you aren't aware of may be being left out of your sight until a better moment when you will be better able to deal with more information. The workbook for the seizures says, in regards to goals:
"small is beautiful."
Hard for me to grasp... also, because living in NYC it seems I have to finish a goal a minute. But, I guess that's my contribution to this great topic. That and "gentleness."
Thanks for sharing everyone.