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#324571 - 03/09/10 07:15 PM DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish
PSGuy760 Offline

Registered: 01/19/10
Posts: 2
I'm a new member to Male Survivor and have enjoyed reading the posts. I am having a serious time coping with an issue that has left me very confused.
I am a gay male who has dated mature men all of life since coming out at the age 17.
I have been in what I like to call a fetish gay lifestyle of DAD /SON role playing.
I am also a survivor of severe sexual abuse by my father. I was only 8 years old when it started until he was caught then arrested and served 4 years in a California Mental Facility. Over the years growing up I found myself involved in role playing relationships where I played the SON and the older man was my DAD. The first time I saw an ad posted in a magazine I responded and wondered why I was so attracted to being with a man who identified himself as being a Dad type. I was so nervous and anxious when I saw the ads that I would start to shake. It seemed taboo and disturbing. It was like making love with my father but instead with another man pretending to be him.
I have had great experiences and have met some wonderful men but deep down I am concerned that the sex abuse by my father inspired my attracted to men 30-50 years older then myself. I have never been comfortable with it and notice that some of the men even ask me if I enjoyed sex with my father. Some of the mature men I have met ask me why I like older men. They seem concerned deep down that something or someone is responsible for this but choose to be with me anyway.
Many of my friends growing up thought I was with older men for the money but it was an attraction I had no control over.
I have come to believe that I was born gay but my father was my first sexual experience leading me to want and desire men like him. Most of the men I have dated look and sound like him. It took a long time to admit that to myself but guys like my father have always caught my eye.
Some people have said to me that it's a coincidence but there are just too many connections to my real father and my desires.
The biggest problem in being in an intergenerational relationship is the future. It works perfect when time stands still and the Son stays the Son and Dad stays the Dad but time changes and both fade into a gray area. I fear that in time I will no longer be the SON and be too old to play the role. I will be forced start seeing myself as a DAD seeking other DADS. Very confusing and lonely at times.
Is anyone else out there dealing with these issues and how do you cope with it?

Edited by PSGuy760 (03/09/10 07:33 PM)

#324604 - 03/09/10 11:16 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: PSGuy760]
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1556
Loc: New Jersey
Hey PSGuy,
Can't say I've ever participated in an incest roleplay but I have had periods where I try to find good incest porn. All over the spectrum, brother/sister, mother/son, Daddy/Daughter. Dad/Son. I too think this is due to the abuse. Hope others have more experience and some advice for you

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#324655 - 03/10/10 12:30 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: onlyakid]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
i'd like to praise you for posting this. i'm sure it is not easy to discuss. since you called this a fetish i am going to go with that and from a very different p.o.v., i do wonder how much a fetish can limit one's ability or availability to have an ltr.

what does your therapist say about this? are you in love with an older man or is the real attraction the connection you seek? what about him - is he in love with you?

have you had a relationship with a guy your age?


#324660 - 03/10/10 12:54 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: westchesterguy]
Ischyros Offline

Registered: 02/26/10
Posts: 78
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
This is a very honest and brave thread. Thanks, guys. I'll just add that although I have not been in an intergenerational relationship, the daddy/son fantasies have been a big thing for me over many years. Because my sexual trauma involved my mother, I think I've invested a lot in fantasies of an older man who can care for me, make me feel safe, all of that. In fact I still have sexual fantasies about my 6th grade (male) teacher. He was a kind of Marlboro Man image of masculinity and I hero-worshiped him as an 11-year old. He was the only man during my childhood who really did seem to care for me and whom I always felt wanted to protect me.

Trauma and abuse issues aside, I think these kinds of fantasies are pretty common among gay men, and I think straight men are also drawn to and fantasize about an ideal woman/mother. Not to take anything away from the tragic history you so bravely posted, PSGuy - but you are far from alone.

Thanks again for your rigorous honesty and heal well my brother.

Proud survivor and WoR alumnus - Sequoia, April 2010

I want to live in the world
Not inside my head
I want to live in the world
I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong...

--Jackson Browne, "Alive In the World"

#324663 - 03/10/10 01:31 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: Ischyros]
Dan99 Offline

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 120
Loc: Washington DC
I can definitely relate to part of what you say. I was molested from age 6 to roughly 13 by a much older man. As an adult, I became bisexual (though I wish I weren't) and my interaction with men always involved repeating what happened as a child.

I don't have any practical advice about relationships. I have never had what you'd call a romantic relationship with a man. It's strange, but I'm not attracted to men other than as partners in recreating the abusive sex. So a relationship just wouldn't occur.

In my romantic relationships with women, I was always repelled by women who were nice to me or who flirted with me. I've always pursued and dated cold women. In fact I married two. As I look back on it now, I can see that this is largely because I couldn't see myself as in anyway being worthy of a women and was so accustomed to abuse growing up, that's what felt "normal" to me. It's really saddening to see how I was conditioned to seek out a miserable life.

My only advice is to keep doing what you're doing and looking hard at this and understand yourself. Don't put it off. It's very frustrating to reach my stage of life and realize how much the abuse in my past influenced my choices and decisions. It's something I really get angry about.

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

#324688 - 03/10/10 04:49 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: Dan99]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Howdy PS guy,

I echo Dan 99's comments: a lot of my sexuality was heavily imprinted by my abuse: and I recreated it a lot in my 20s and 30s, as much as I tried to suppress it.

It also got in the way of developing healthy inimacy and affirming sexuality for me.

I'm in a totally different place today, having worked through a lot of these issues-that said, I got a flashback of my abuse this morning and instantly wanted to take it out sexually on another male. Using sex to express anger and revenge is part of the messed up way I think. Learning to use sex to express love and vulnerability and affirmation is my journey.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#325059 - 03/13/10 12:33 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: Mountainous Buck]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
Hi PSGuy,

You were abused by your father and now you often role-play as the son in father/son sexual relations.

This is called re-enactment.

You are re-creating the situation of your abuse. I have heard an analogy used to describe this before. It is true, for whatever reason, that often when a woman is in a violent relationship she often ends up with a new partner who is similarly violent. This may be for a number of reasons but one is so that the woman can put herself back into that situation and see how she reacts "this time".

You are doing this also, I feel. You may be doing it for a number of reasons. One reason may be to put yourself back into a position where you had less power- often people role-play with power/humiliation fantasies (the community may refer to it more in terms of ultimate trust), but because of your history I believe your reasons may be more involved than those of the role-play community. You may be taking yourself back there in an effort to try to deal with your past- to put yourself in the same situation and to try to analyse and control your emotions and feelings. To try to understand your feelings in order to face them. Or to put yourself into a situation where you can relinquish control and power over your life as some kind of release.

Also, if you have body issues, if you are not happy with yourself sexually, you may be putting yourself into a relationship of unbalanced power so that you don't have to be ashamed or worried about your own body- it becomes a matter of what he is taking from you and not what you are offering him, so that you don't have to feel self-conscious about your own body- that it is his choice to take what he wants- and indeed then you can feel somewhat better about your body if you didn't before.

You may be putting yourself back into a situation, a situation that when you were little you had no power, no control, and although you may have liked certain parts of it, I am sure it was very traumatic for you- and then trying to change how you feel about it in order to deal with it better.

You may be putting yourself back there- the same power difference, the same sense of humiliation perhaps, the same sexual acts- but now saying- this is my choice- I have chosen to do this role-play. I don't think it is a healthy thing, but it may be a way in which you are trying to deal with things right now. You may be, in a way, trying to change how you feel about your abuse, so that you can deal with your past better. But of course it was never okay, and it is not acceptable for that to happen to a child, as you know.

There is also another possibility. You were abused by your father, and presumably this happened at home. You probably had no feeling of safety- you always felt in danger perhaps. Always wondering when it will happen next. When it did happen, then you didn't have to worry about "when is it going to happen next? What is he going to make me do?" because it was happening right then. In a very complex sense, abuse is a moment of less worry, because you have completely no control over anything and it is already happening. It may be the sense of "it is happening right now so it doesn't matter" that you are seeking.

You also talk about how you are attracted to guys that remind you of your father. Your father hurt you terribly but you may have loved him and wanted attention of some kind from him (not sexual). Your effort to try to reconnect with a man who reminds you of your father may be an effort to try to reconnect with your father. You may have done what your father said sexually in order to try to gain his approval and to try to get him to love you as he should. You got use to having to do sexual things in order to try to gain love. You may have even felt that sex is all you are good for, or that sex was the only way you could get somebody to love you. It seems like this has followed you into your later life- that you have taken the same path to try to find people to love you. But that path, in my opinion, is not a healthy one.

I think you need to be able to see that you don't have to have sex with people, you don't have to give yourself to people, in order for them to love you.

Also I would like to add that this kind of re-enactment, in a similar way to self-harm, may reinforce the bad feeling you have about yourself, the feelings of worthlessness and such. Although you may or may not subconsciously been doing this in order to change how you feel about the abuse or to change how you react "this time", or to be in a different position concerning choice (or simply as a familiar route to try to find some kind of affection), at the same time you are ironing in some of the false lessons that you learnt about yourself as a child. These of course are just my general opinions on the general topic area.


Edited by king tut (03/13/10 12:46 PM)

#326239 - 03/26/10 01:31 AM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: king tut]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 523
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.

I have to say this to you: Wow! I really applaud you for your bravery to be so honest! Your abuse was awful - I'm so sorry it happened to you - but acknowledging an incest fetish and having the courage to admit it to one of the bravest gestures I think I've ever seen. Thank you for being so honest about so personal a problem, buddy.

You (and the others on here who have been equally brave and honest) have inspired me to share a fantasy I've had for a long time. It's not sexual, but your post does remind me of it. I've actually found that one other person on this website has had this same fantasy as well, so maybe it's not uncommon.

I have a fantasy where a big, strong, fatherly kind of man comes up behind me and puts his big, strong arms around me (around my chest) and just...holds me. Like a long hug. Nothing sexual about it. Sometimes I fantasize that he is sitting in a large chair, and I sit down on his lap, and he puts his strong arms around me and holds me until I fall asleep. I also sometimes fantasize that I'm not wearing a shirt, and he is not wearing a shirt, so I can feel the warmth of his chest against my back. I feel warm, safe, and loved all at the same time. It's a good fantasy for me; feels good, I mean.

Of course, I wouldn't be able to walk up to a man in the street and ask him to do this for me - unless I wanted a good beating. I can't ask any of my friends to do this, because I would feel awkward. And I actually had a father growing up - still do - but he was never around for me emotionally. Hence my fantasy, no doubt. So I can't ask him to do this for me, either. I'm hoping, at some point, I will grow out of it.

I don't know why this was embarrassing for me to write - now that I've written it, it doesn't seem that bad. Anyway, I just wondered if you had had any similar fantasies, PSGuy760. Any nonsexual fantasies. As Lewis said, maybe you are trying to reconnect to your father. If you have had any nonsexual fantasies about your father as well, maybe that's a good indication that you just want to be loved as a good son. I can certainly understand that.

I hope you find some answers. Again, thank you for your honesty, buddy. As you can see from your responses, you've started a topic that many men would like to discuss.


You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

#327275 - 04/03/10 07:43 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
nicedesertguy Offline
Board Member Emeritus

Registered: 01/19/10
Posts: 1
I hope guys will still keep posting. do you think an older/younger relationship can be fruitful/mature/loving when the younger guy has been sexually abused by his father?

#333285 - 06/08/10 01:07 PM Re: DAD/SON Incest Sexual Fetish [Re: nicedesertguy]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma

Edited by Sobernow (08/20/10 12:24 PM)

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