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#326029 - 03/24/10 01:37 AM It only took till day 5....
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
So I hope my words come togerher tonight.

Some background so you can follow.

I'm working on confronting my perp brother via letter, and shortly after disclosing the abuse to my parents. My time table has been set, but as I work through recovery, sometimes the day can't come quick enough.

I decided, under council, not to confront or disclose until after my parents visit the perp and his family overseas (they are there for a year ending this summer). They didn't do wrong, and I just wanted them to enjoy their trip and see their other grandkids without the horrifing truth I'm about to tell them.

well flash forward and they are staying at my house for 12 days, which is a long time in our little house. Were currently on day 5. Its partially difficult because I'm progressing in recovery, but must hide and revert to old tactics to keep the peace and not let on what is to come. Its a step backwards for me.

My dad and I always had issues, lots tied to my csa that I never spoke about, so in that regard I take some of the blame. Constant control issues which I always lost. My perp got a lot of his narsacistic ways from my dad, and while my dad never abused me, there are times, especialy now, I see the parallel, snd get triggered. I'm betting I got triggered and did things throught life, and didnt know or understand it.

So this evening it came to be that as soon as I got home for work he immediatly asked me to do and get things for him. He expects me and my Mom to wait on him while he does the fun parts (to him) of the task. This has been a constant sore spot for me and my wife as Im not his shlep and certainly xhouldn't be in my own home, my castle.

So tonight as he was trying to open the toy he got my daughter, and sits at the head of my table, he asks me to run and fetch him scissors. I just got home for work, I go to get them and I'm visibly upset that I need to do this, its 10 feet away, he could go and get them. My mom sees I'm upset and tries to take them from me and give them to him, but I say "mom, you have a bum knee (recent knee replacement), and dad should be able to go get the scissors after I worked a whole day and put them back after" This didnt go over well. I start to leave and I hear my mom saying that I'm right (which I am)and my dad says "XXXX I dont want to hear it" It ended as I walked away with my dad saying that "I never put stuff away when I was a kid". I remember the control as a kid as he would always say "put X back EXACTLY where you found it"

I was hurt, I felt so low, like that little boy. My little battle to get some control, and I folded like that little boy. I tried to tell myself, your not that little boy, you have made it so far in a short time, but I just wasnt hearing myself. Here I am, still hiding, holding in the pain for their benefit, at my expense. A common lifelong theme.

Luckily I have my friends and brothers here on MS who were able to give me an ear as I broke down in chat. Recovered, barely, put my happy face on and went to dinner with them for their anniverary. I even paid.

I'm counting down to confrontation and disclosure, I dont know if I or they are ready. The disclosure gives me more anxiety than my confrontation. If I folded over a pair of scissors how will I be able to hold it together for disclosure.

I hate that I have to hide. Snakes and ladders. Ups and downs.

I just want some peace and to find the middle.

Unfortunatly, this is a life long struggle and battle.

Thanks for listening,


#326030 - 03/24/10 02:07 AM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: Castle]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
It is difficult to watch the old stuff replay especially now that you know more and have a plan. I guess the key to this is "patience". Time is on your side, if you can hold back from saying what you feel like saying.

Know that the time will be right, you will be prepared to be in more control than you have previously and your parents' expectations of you as you were in the past are not valid anymore. They just don't know it yet. Think of it as knowing a secret that you will unfold in due time. As a kid, keeping (good) secrets was tough because you wanted to reveal them right away. With maturity comes patience.

When the time is right, you will be able to keep control of revealing the secret you've been holding on to for all these years. Time is not the enemy here, and you will find that it is on your side when, where, how, and what you say when you break it.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#326032 - 03/24/10 02:57 AM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

the family
the perp

#326044 - 03/24/10 05:22 AM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: sono]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
I'll second that one.


I'm glad I know you, buddy. You are a very cool guy.


You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

#326051 - 03/24/10 04:00 PM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
h.beat,h.break Offline

Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York

This is your gauntlet but we got you covered, guy.

Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

#326058 - 03/24/10 05:00 PM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: h.beat,h.break]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160

I'm so proud of you, i know we don't know each other, maybe have shared a few words in chat, but i can feel it too, that is this energy that you now possess by having friends and even a counselor here at MS. We are your support system, and you are going to be great, will shine like a diamond.

Like Ken said, and i hope you take his advice the the letter, time is not your enemy, when it's time for the discloser you'll be more than ready. I'm excited for you, because they are so unsuspecting, like everything is status que, and your about to blow there doors off. You are a very courageous being.

Remmeber you have us virtually 24 hrs. a day and your wife and child. I really wish i were in your shoes just to see the looks on my perps and everyone else's face. Stay strong in your convictions you deserve justice, this is a point that has always gave me a charge, like "Damn it, I'm in the right" Good for you.


My Story

#326062 - 03/24/10 05:40 PM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: Gus Bierer]
just me Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 200

My Story

#326067 - 03/24/10 06:22 PM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: just me]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
You've found the strength to come this far, you'll find what you need for this next step too. We all find the strength.

Some find it in our anger, some in our righteous indignation, some in our thirst for justice, some in our impatience for *something* to change, some in our profound sadness, some in our weariness from carrying the weight, and some in knowing that someone loves and cares for us no matter what happens.

I'm planning to fly home in under a month for my brother's wedding. Only my Mum knows about my CSA. Before I told her she had suspected for years after having found physical evidence, but did nothing. None of my family know what I'm going through now. I can't hit and run my brothers by telling them at a wedding. I can't miss the chance to ask Mum for an affidavit about what she found that could be a huge part of any legal proceeding, but I also can't afford to shatter her tenuous state of mind and then leave the mess for my brother to clean up. I can't tell them that my partner and I are having trouble and I don't feel completely safe with him. I can't tell them I won't have worked in eight weeks and I don't know when I'll be able to go back to work. I can't tell them that I'm taking anti-depressents. I can't tell them that I need someone to take care of me when there is no one to take care of me, but me.

But I'll find a way. I'll find the strength to be silent, appear strong, seem happy, and bide my time for when I don't need to do any of those things anymore.

We all find the strength. You'll find the strength, too.



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#326159 - 03/25/10 01:12 PM Re: It only took till day 5.... [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
Dogs&Gods Offline

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten

Is it possible that your Dad abused you brother. I'm not giving your brother an excuse but it is worth asking.

Several of the elders in my mothers family were afraid of their kids doing better than they did.

So they f___ed us up just to give them an advantage. Does this sound familiar??

Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.


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