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#325935 - 03/22/10 10:43 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I think about how I have wasted all this time being this way. Would I have been different if I had gotten help when I was young? I cry just thinking how my life has been such a damn lie.
I have never felt this way about this. I have never been a angry man. The other night I almost lost it at home alone. Wanted to throw something across the room and just let something out. Feel like going to him and telling him what a f--- up life he has given me. Thats the bad thing. I can go to his house anytime I want. He's not that far away. He sees me at times. Its like he thinks I don't remember. Just acts as if it never happened. One thing that really bothers me is I am not sure when it really started. I know it was happening when I was around 8 years old. But not remembering the first time makes it hard to deal with. Did it happen when I was 6,5,4,3...who knows......

#325938 - 03/22/10 10:53 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio

I have the same conversations with my wife. I told her of my same sex attractions before we married. It is possible to have a relationship with a woman while having attraction to men. Think of it this way if you go long term/committed: Any "normal" heterosexual male, when they get married, vow to forsake all women other than their wife, even the good looking ones that get things stirring. If you take such a vow, you are simply including all the attractive men in the same category. If you feel ultimately you will be more fulfilled with what a women can give you, then you can do that. But you are right about her telling you to simply stop thinking that way, it is just not that simple.

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#325941 - 03/22/10 11:05 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: catfish86]
Gus Bierer Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/16/05
Posts: 160

I think your doing the right thing by talking about this here on the board, but you really need to take the advice of a trained professional. I think your better off now by bringing out this secret because keeping this stuff inside makes us sick emotionally.

You have a support group now who will listen to everything you have to say and the more you talk the closer a resolution will be. I have to say i'm glad you have a girlfriend/wife, i forget which, that dosn't freak out on you because of the news you told her. Maybe, she will be able to accept that you have homosexual tendencies. Maybe that's all it is for you. You will know in time. If the homosexual thoughts seem to continue then you will have to reevaluate your relationship. I'm not sure, I just know for myself if i continue to have certain feelings then that proves that i need something more.

Glad you found your way to this site, talk with you later.


My Story

#325942 - 03/22/10 11:15 PM Re: 40 years later [Re: wayne9]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I used to feel ashamed of myself for not accomplishing what I thought I was supposed to. I felt a failure in spite of all my success'.
I too am 48 and only started to remember the abuse that was crippling me a couple years ago and it has not yet helped me much to know why I had so many problems with life. But I'd never give that up, I'm of the type that wants to know.

It's weird but I have memories of argueing with my abusers as the time for my final ECT series came that I would get them, I would remember and make them pay. They insisted I wouldn't and I insisted I would. I swore I'd remember "in my forties and certainly by the time I was 50". They told me they'd find a way to destroy the records or hide them where no one could find them. There is a kind of comfort in that memory but since I have no faces and only two names and those two were only enablers admittedly with full knowledge and consent to the abuse, One of whom is dead or close to it, to put with it I can't really get anyone particular unless I were given access to the files which will never happen.

I don't pine for what might have been and I can't explain why. I just don't see the point, I took control of my life as soon as I could, age 15, and did my best. I failed a lot. I might have done better if I had known all along why I couldn't adjust to life with people, but I didn't. I knew what I knew and I did what I did in an honest effort to grow and build a life. It was that living which has made me mature enough to come here and delve into things I never could have as a younger man. I see more now and I think I will achieve that illusive adjustment to living with people in the future. I think I will have that inner peace I want.
I think you did the best you could too. Lieing served you, it got you by until you got to the point of being able to face whatever it is you have to face now. Be proud of the resourcefulness of your mind to be able to carry you this far with all that damage in there. And I don't think lieing is all that you are you probably had some very good things in that life which the intensity of these feelings is forcing into the background.
Now you're at the point of being strong, mature and knowledgeable enough to face that thing whatever it is and improve yourself.

I'm trying to say that it doesn't pay to dwell on what might have been. I've never heard a story about what might have been that was anything but sad. What can be is the ticket to reach for.

Edited by kidneythis (03/22/10 11:17 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#326031 - 03/24/10 02:49 AM Re: 40 years later [Re: petercorbett]
alan55 Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Wayne9 - I know this hurts like holy fire, but its necessary. We heal when we let it out. We heal when others are let in on what happened to us - especially here. We all understand what its like to attempt a relationship only to find it may not be what we wanted after all.
As for your relationship, I would go slow. Right now it would be really important for you to focus on yourself. I know it sounds selfish or like narcissistic behavior. But for now, you have to be able to heal and not divide your attention into too many places. SOme who do that run the risk of losing focus or not attending counseling as often as they once did.
You are worth the work. You are doing a courageous thing. Stay strong. We're here.

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