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#324830 - 03/11/10 10:57 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
cstjude Offline

Registered: 09/05/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Lost,

I am very sorry for your pain. Very sorry indeed. I hope you will mourn this loss and be able to heal.


Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

#325241 - 03/15/10 07:45 AM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: lostlove75]
jnj Offline

Registered: 09/30/08
Posts: 27
Loc: UK
I can tell you how I used to be and that may help you.

I used to pursue relationships with the hope that being in a relasionship would drive away all the memories and feelings of disgust I had in myself. I just wanted to be a normal guy in a normal relasionship and have everything that would entail. However I had this huge monkey on my back that would only let me bond with a woman so far. I wanted to commit but just could not. I would get so far and think yes I can make a go of this and then BANG. I would weird and just leave.

However after being like this for most of my 20s I met a woman called C, I did the same thing and things went really well. Then as usual I went to do thing and run away, however this time it went a little differently. C would not let me go without a fight. C guessed that I had a secret about my past and fought to keep me from running.

We have now been married 7 years and we have a beautiful 3 year old girl and in about 2 weeks we will have a baby son.

There is light and I am not saying what worked for my wife will work for you but I hope it can smile

I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.

#325269 - 03/15/10 04:06 PM Re: Why was he dating when he knew he needed help?? [Re: jnj]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Responding to your last post; yes it is a private issue if he's talking about the CSA but your relationship is partly your families business. Your mother getting mad and confronting him about leaving you and hurting you is a normal thing to my mind. Make sure he knows that is what she was doing and that she had no knowledge of the CSA as you kept that private.
If it does shape up that you two work it out like jnj did then he'll eventually have to explain himself to the family but thats way down the road and not worth mentioning to him now.

I remember that fear of people knowing, and it was mainly based on shame that I'd been abused. Our society is very Spartan and victim blaming is a problem for the whole human race. It is so ingrained in us as a culture that Victims do it to themselves.
The numbers of people who don't blame the victim are small if growing and its gonna be a struggle to get him into therapy and to the point that he can accept that others know he was abused and still want to be near him. But most importantly don't see him as "damaged goods" for having been abused.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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