this is huge. in reading you helped me see deeper into my own struggles. I have always believed i live in the direct light. I hadnt thought about the reflected light theory ...it makes sense to me, in fact probably describes me more than i care to admit. Maybe, just maybe i am mad at God, and maybe because i live in reflected light , i wont admit to myself ( because a good christian would never dare to blame God for his troubles...)that i am mad at him.
I made God my Father right after the abuse, i had no need for anyone, but strangely needed a Father...I do remember loving the lord so much that i was excited to go to church and be with him there....he was in my heart all along...i had him with me and he was a solid relationship that i didnt have to fear.
Perhaps, i am living in relfeclected light and thats whats keeping me from feeling or letting myself get close again...I do trust the Lord...maybe the comittment it too much for me to deal with at this time...i have to realese the hurt and not feel like God allowed bad things to happen to one of his faithful servents...
Wonderful thoughts, thanks for opening me up towards this topic.
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau