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#323666 - 03/01/10 12:37 PM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: apechick]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
The goal? It is important to set goals in therapy. To know where you are headed. Funny thing though is there are changes you can never map out. If it were so simple...

But there IS healing in letting others know. There is a mother of more kids than I would care to count and she has a list of rules. One of those rules is to have a confident and that rule ends with the statement "The power of sin is in secrecy". While you may restrict the group that knows, it is best if someone does.

Second, there are many mind games played by perps, especially successful ones, when abusing. It takes quite a lot of processing to draw up these tricks, expose them for what they are and deal with them. These include things like, you had an erection/orgasm so you must have liked it. A professional has seen these and worked through them. They are trained to deal with them. It is important to know that many of these tricks can have devastating consequences outside of the abuse, such as drug/alcohol abuse and suicidal tendencies.

Third, because of the abuse, a survivor's world view may be warped. It takes time and patience to work through who they want to be now and who they are.

Finally, that all being said, this is what convinced me to enter therapy: My doctor, being consulted due to erectile dysfunction, asked me if I broke my leg would I fix it myself without going to a doctor. Your mind has been injured. Seek help.

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#323692 - 03/01/10 05:58 PM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: apechick]
JR Optimist Offline

Registered: 01/28/10
Posts: 9
I can tell you what therapy was like for me, whether it will be the same for your husband I don't know.

I was lucky in finding a T that matched my needs on the first visit. He is great and really helped me change my life. I spent an hour a week with him talking about various problems in my life.

He probed with questions and directed my story to reveal truths I'd hidden from myself. He supported me and validated my character by telling me it wasn't my fault...I never believed that before. He helped me get in touch with my emotions - my coping skills was to turn them all off.

Please please help him realize he should go. My belief is a therapist can only really help you if you want to be helped. If he is ready great.

It is very hard. I often left the sessions feeling drained, tired and needing a day off but the long term outcome is well worth it.

Good luck and I'm sorry you both have to go through this.

#324070 - 03/04/10 11:35 PM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: apechick]
happygirl1234 Offline

Registered: 03/04/10
Posts: 12
Loc: CA
why the heck are the people that need therapy the most the ones most afraid of going?

also, how do you deal with anger problems that are getting a little too close to physical violence? I have read this can stem from CSA.

#324641 - 03/10/10 01:46 PM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: happygirl1234]
Damien42 Offline

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Australia
simple answer happy girl, we are innocent. We resent the whole process. We did nothing wrong! Why therefore, should we fuck@#$ "have to" do anything. Isn't surviving it enough?

Of course that's the resistence. Getting through that is the first step. Then there's the fear of re-experiencing something incomprehensible.

It's not simple, especially for men, to accept that they were victoms. We are supposed to be in control.

Anyone who thinks this is easy is a simpleton.

Though I'm sure you are not.

#324718 - 03/11/10 12:36 AM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: Damien42]
happygirl1234 Offline

Registered: 03/04/10
Posts: 12
Loc: CA
...but therapy isn't jail. it's not saying it's your fault (which OF COURSE it isn't), its saying you are not going to let the past shit come into your present. my partner (a male) did have trouble like you say getting used to the idea he was a "victim." he went on to become a military special forces officer. he later said he thought it was all about protecting himself/not ever being a victim again. it took a COMPLETE life fallout for him to go to therapy, which was actually great. ive been in therapy my whole life for childhood abuse. i know its not me, but if i don't seek resources to help myself deal with the past, it will keep hurting me and those around me. maybe how men and women are raised/treated in society?

#324720 - 03/11/10 12:38 AM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: happygirl1234]
happygirl1234 Offline

Registered: 03/04/10
Posts: 12
Loc: CA
its true. i guess it does seem like a process. but the reality is that something did happen and maybe its not fair but dealing with it is the only way to recover.

but your answer was a really good answer to my question. for me its really clear why therapy is beneficial. but when i see it your way, i definitely understand why there is a barrier for some people.

#324758 - 03/11/10 11:08 AM Re: New, could use some advice [Re: happygirl1234]
Damien42 Offline

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Australia
It is hard. As for myself, I was already in Therapy when I started remembering... then I realised, oh that's why I can barely do anything.

It is very difficult to admit that you were an abused child and sexually. The humiliation is overwhelming. I would say that it is much, much harder for a male to recover from csa than a woman.

Males, even boys, are taught that if they are victimised it is there fault. "stand up for yourself" "hold your ground" "be capable" these ideas will not go away with the abuse. You just feel like a complete failure, with irrefutable evidence of your own powerlessness - even over one's own self, one's own body. It is the ultimate failure for a male. Who wants to admit that?!

It is the definition of emasculation. I AM NOT IN CHARGE OF MYSELF - literally. And therapy is the symbol of that emasculation. Women are given far more room to be emotional and unsure and uncertain. Men, really, aren't. So there's all that cultural garbage layed on males from the time they are born.

My father was a fighter pilot and commanding officer in Austrlia, so I know what a young boy will do in his own mind to try to live up to the standards set. It is debilitating to have to pretend rather than know that you are "really" in control of yourself and your life. And therapy threatens destroying the pretense - the whole coping strategy.

Anyway, hope that helped a bit, I went on...! I'm trying to get a handle on my own resistence. Which is monumental. But, futile. If anyone wants to recover there hearts they have to acknowledge the truth of their victimisation. Your right, therapy is necesary.

But, of course, this is all bullshit, as boys are not men, they are children, totally vulnerable, powerless to understand what is happening or why...

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