I originally posted this on the members side back in September. I felt a lot safer doing it there. But a few weeks later I felt that I should post it here as well. I kept thinking how I had looked for something like this when I first came here. The first time I came here registered and stayed only two days and then left. I returned in May of 2009. Today I decided it was time to put it here. This time I am signing my name - first name anyway.


Making the decision to go back to school in my late twenties for a second advanced degree was not an easy one. I knew it woud take sacrifice and a lot of hard work. I narrowed it down to two schools I wanted to attend and applied. I was accepted after visiting both out of state schools. I finally chose the one I felt was right for me. I loaded the car, had the obligatory farewell party and hit the road.

I loved the school and the city where it was located. I pretty much picked up where I left off with my life before. My best friend had also decided to go back to school and chose the same school so he and his wife moved there shortly before I did. I also made new friends and explored the big city I now called my home. I was an outgoing person who made friends easily, comfortable in social situations and was on the go all the time.

The classes were challenging to say the least but I was doing well. I had to work full time since I was on my own to pay all bills. Life was great as far as I was concerned. I ran at the track all the time and was in the gym at school a lot. I was in the best shape of my life. Was I vain? Yes, hate to admit it but I very much was.

After living there for quite some time I decided it was time to come out. I had not done so in the small college town I was from. In this big city I felt I could finally do so. I did so in a fairly quiet manner and felt good about it. I felt that I had my life fairly in line and when I accomplished this new degree I would have much of what I wanted in my life.

My car developed a deadly disease so I thought it was time to trade. I bought a sporty car and really liked it. Yeah, more vanity I am afraid. I decided to wash it on a late Saturday afternoon - almost evening. I pulled off the expressway to exit to my apartment and saw a car wash that was in a kind of deserted area. I pulled in and got out and began the washing of my new beauty. After a bit I looked up to see a blond young man coming towards me. Where I am from that is not so odd. Someone may ask if you have change or something. He was very nice looking and built well. I have to admit I found him attractive. He said something but I could not understand him. He then said something about needing help. I thought maybe he meant his battery was dead or something. The next thing I felt a gun at my back. The blond guy pulled out a knife. My hands were tied behind my back. The guy behind me shoved me into the back seat of my car. The blond guy got in front and drove us away. I do not ever recall seeing another vehicle.

We drove around for a while. The gun was put away and the knife was held at my throat while I lay in the seat. The second - a dark haired guy - said nothing but the other did. He said I needed to do as I was told in every way. I do not know how to describe how I felt. I had been in tough spots before though never anything like this. But I was always able to get out of any situation. I knew in my heart I would find a way out of this. So I worked on some way to get untied and away. I was determined that I would. I had no doubt about that.

I do not know how long we drove around. But at some point I realized we were going to my apartment. I did not want them to know we were not far from it. But I had bills made out in the front seet that I was to mail. I had stopped to wash the car first. My heart raced as they talked of going there. Would I be able to run then? Or would it be harder to get away. I knew if I we went in there it would be harder to get away. Why go there? Did they think I had money or valuables? We pulled in and I was given specific instructions as to how to act. I was untied and we got out. It was a duplex and no one was around. We got out and I debated what to do. I resigned to it that this was not the right time.

We got in and I was shoved down and tied up again. And then with my face down in the carpet I heard as they ransacked the apartment. I looked to the side once and the blond yelled at me to not look at him. I lay there trying to figure out what to do. But I still knew I would get the hell out of this. I knew I would not die. I knew I could outsmart them eventually. When this was fairly over I was I was lifted to my feet. The blond said some derogatory stuff and then hit me in the face. He kicked me a few times and then lifted me up again and beat me. The other helped him. But he was not as savage. He just helped for the most part. He never said much of anything. The beating lasted for awhile and my mouth was busted. But I still knew I would get out. I felt that this was about over and they would leave soon. But I had to make sure they did not steal my car.

Then it changed. They untied me and began taking my clothes off. I do not know if I struggled or not. I think I did but I don't know. That is when I stopped caring if I made it out alive. It was not what I expected. I stopped making a plan. I wanted to die then. They took turns over and over and resumed the beatings in between. At some point I just left it all I guess. I do not know how long it lasted. It ended sometime before dawn. I was told to get dressed in a tee and a pair of short pants. No shoes allowed and they broke my glasses.

We went to an ATM and took money from my bank. I don't remember much of that. From there I do not know where we went. All the way they played a game of whether they would kill me or not and how. I just wanted them to do it. Then in the middle of nowhere I was let go. I stood there as they drove off in my car. I finally started walking and eventually found a hotel. Someone there called the police. The officer asked if I had been sexually assaulted. I lied and said no. I was taken to an ER. I was asked again by a doctor. I again lied. An investigator was called in and came to talk with me. He was very kind as I remember. But I continued to lie. There were signs I was lying the doctor said and I did require stitches. I would not answer anymore questions. I did not want them found or caught. I did not want anyone to know what happened to me.

The locks were changed at my apartment. But it was two weeks before I could stay there. I stayed with my best friend but he never knew anything but the kidnapping. I finally went back. I never went back to my job but found a new one. The new semester was getting ready to start. I just wanted to stay busy. At some point I forgot it all. It just went away.

But I never felt right. Like there was something following me. Financially I was not in good shape. I got another car. I left my apartment and moved into the dorms - not fun. Then one night there was a knock at my dorm room door. It was a cop. My next car had been stolen. It was crashed and totalled. A lot of feelings in the next few weeks came up. I was having nightmares. I was angry all the time. I fought with people. I isolated and stopped eating. Then one afternoon it began to flood back. I fell to the ground and threw up. I remembered all the stuff from that night and not just the kidnapping.

I could not concentrate at work. I could not keep up in school. I kicked a hole in a wall outside my office and then trashed my office. It was thought it was just vandals since I was working in a rough neighborhood with juveniles and with post release convicts. I never had to come up with an explanation. I never slept and just isolated for the most part. I began dropping classes. My best friend confronted me and I told him. I became suicidal and he talked me into seeing the school psychologist. I saw him for three weeks but it only got worse. I finally made an attempt. I was committed to a psychiatric hospital for two months. While there I spoke with an investigator on the phone. My psychiatrist suggested it and I finally agreed to it. I had my report changed to what really happened that night. Again, the investigator was very kind. I lost everything I owned. Never went back to the school. And when released from the hospital I left the state.

I lost my best friend as well. Can't blame him. I made it very difficult. To me I have had two different lives. One before that night and the one I have lived since. I know I have changed in so many ways. And it may sound odd but I miss that guy. Who I was up until that night. And I am trying to find him. I have finally realized trying to get back to before then is not possible and will not lead to recovery.

This is the short version.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.