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#321824 - 02/11/10 06:47 PM still a victim
Brett Jay Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Minnesota
I kind of get why I feel alienated so many times when I am here at this site. I guess I still see myself more as a victim than as a survivor. I admire so many of you for the progress you have made. A little envious sometimes too. It just seems beyond my reach, unimaginable.

#321834 - 02/11/10 09:18 PM Re: still a victim [Re: Brett Jay]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Brett Jay:

Two years ago I could have said the same thing. Hell, I DID say the same thing. I was still in hiding, feeling like it was my fault, that it felt good, that my body reacted. All that and it was my fault. Victimized. and then someone taught me to think it out differently. Not like the perp wanted me to think. Like it really was. I was 13. In grade 8 for Christ's sake. My fault? I don't think that way anymore. It was never my fault.

But like you I thought that kind of thinking was unattainable. I waited another 6 months to enter therapy where I learned that the new way of thinking was really the right way of thinking. I was the kid. He was the adult. Period.

If you were an adult when it happened, and could not consent, its assault. Period.

Give it some time. Therapy helps if you have access. Put your questions out here for answers from those who understand it as well as you do. Give it time. The fact that you're even here shows new thinking. Hang in there.


My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#321840 - 02/11/10 09:50 PM Re: still a victim [Re: Geeders]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
For years after I had a very hard time with seeing myself as the kid in an abusive situation. Instead I viewed it as me being a "partner" in the abuse rather than the victim, oxymoronic as that sounds. I think part of this came from being a survivor of abuse in adolescence, which has its challenges, since unlike little kids, when stuff like this happens to us in our teens our mental and physical development works against us as we tend to blame ourselves based on our supposed maturity. In any case, one thing that has helped me is to ask myself why would men more than twice my age at the time have a sexual interest in an underage teenage boy? Conversely, as an adult approaching middle age, would such behaviour be appropriate on my part? The answer is an unequivical, revolting no. With this answer in hand I am able to accept that what was done to me was beyond reproach. In this way I am able to give myself a break and accept myself as a survivor.

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#322224 - 02/15/10 10:50 PM Re: still a victim [Re: jls]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Hi, Brett.

I just wanted you to know that I've read through some of your posts, and I think that you and I have a lot of experiences in common. I haven't worked for 6 years because I panic around other people; I have felt isolated on and off for years, since the abuse; I also lost my childhood ability to trust others, and in particular, other boys and eventually men; I felt like a loser before my suicide attempt, and even afterward - I used to think, "I should have tried harder to kill myself back then. No one would have to put up with the loser that is me now." Thanks to therapy, I no longer think that last one, but I do still struggle with the others.

And, like you, I also think of myself more as a victim than as a survivor.

I hope you'll think of me as a friend, and talk to me sometime, even if it's just ranting. I listen very well (so I'm told). It's good to have someone around to just listen to you, you know?

If you ever need anything, I'm here for you, bro.


#322250 - 02/16/10 01:19 AM Re: still a victim [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
Hey Brett Jay,

Some years ago now I realized that my life was something that I felt was being done to me, instead of something that I was choosing and that I was doing for myself. In short, everyone seemed to be making decisions about my life but me. Everything that happened to me up to that point placed me squarely in the role of victim. I expected to be a person on life's scrapheap. Once I realized that my life was for me to choose, for me to explore and decide *everything* changed.

From that moment I started asking myself what *I* wanted. I started setting goals for myself and the simple act of taking ownership of my own life had an enormous impact on me. The dead-end job I hated went away and became a high-end career I loved. It took some time, but just making the resolution about what I wanted seemed to make everything I needed line up to get to me.

It's not all ladders, there are chutes as well. As I move to face the issues central to my own CSA I'm finding it a challenge to function at the level I need to for work. The anxiety that Bobcat talks about is turning up in my work life telling me bad stuff is going to happen, pushing me to run, filling me with nameless dread so that most days I'm exhausted from the effort of getting through the day.

But this, too, shall pass. I'll face what I need to face, I'll work on what's happening until I understand it and move through it. I'm confident that you can do the same.

You can find your way. The fact that you're asking questions and looking to understand shows you're already partway there. Give yourself time and learn to be gentle with yourself.

And let us know what we can do to help.



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips


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