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#321416 - 02/08/10 12:31 AM Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!)
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
So I've really grown here with this site, talking to other guys, getting things.

I used to deal with a constant battle in my mind, am I gay, straight, bi? Help me pick one, please I can't decide for myself.

So I posted a while back that I finally figured out that I was fantasizing about my abuse, which is major progress and I've really for the most part attempted to stop doing that, I only still seem to do it if I'm feeling bad about myself.

So what I'm trying to get at is that I think I've finally realized I have an attraction to both sexes, men and women. I have fantasies about having sexual relations with both sexes, healthy safe fantasies, which in my mind, there is safety in masturbation.

Now comes the hard part of acting out on these feelings, as I re-learn to develop a healthy sexuality for myself, for Charlie, I need learn how to follow through and take action.

That is the hard and scary part.

I'm learning as I rediscover myself and my sexuality that having desire for healthy intimacy come along, any suggestions.

I don't wanna just sleep around and get STDS or AIDs or anything else, but how do I take the next steps for a healthy intimate relationship with either.

Super scared, but also super excited to find someone in my life, a soul mate, life partner, whatever you may call it, I think I'm ready for the next step.

One other thing that I think was a bit of conflict for me, was realizing my sexuality was probably planned before my abuse and now the healthy fantasies I have whether they be towards other adult males or females, through my masturbation fantasies are not the same thing, even though there then pops up a small question in my mind that makes me just wonder if I was really abused.

Talking to another survivor last night in chat really cemented my abuse for me, I guess talking about this does really help and I'm slowly seeing progress in my life. Thanks guys for all your great help.

Charlie.

P.S. I've tried meeting people in my classes, they always wanna tell me about their boyfriend or girlfriend, in my mind, I'm like great, ok, good for you, now moving along.



Edited by Charlie24 (02/08/10 12:33 AM)

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#321423 - 02/08/10 02:44 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
sono Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Charlie,

It's good to see you're feeling positive about things.

You say you think you're ready for the next step. Well, that is the difficult one...putting yourself emotionally in someone else's hands in the form of a relationship. You're right it's scary.

My only advice is when you do find someone to whom you are attracted emotionally try to make it a slow thing to let the relationship grow and develop before hopping in the sack or even to be concerned about hopping in the sack. It can be easy to feel more connected to the person with whom one quickly develops a sexual relationship than is actually the case or healthy.

Best of luck with this, and school too of course!!!!!

sono

_________________________
the family
the perp

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#321426 - 02/08/10 06:16 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5793
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
charlie, i've watched you go thru an amazing metamorphosis over the last year and some odd months and i just want to say i am proud of how firm you have been in your resolve to confront and deal with the issues that once restricted your growth. watching your path blossom has been inspiring and is a testament to the fact that recovery is possible, even though achieving it is a life time event. keep going charlie and keep showing us how it's done.

your recovery pal,

ron

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC
  1. the past
  2. advocacy

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#323010 - 02/22/10 07:36 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Sans Logos]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Charlie -

It is so great to read this from you. You keep going and don't ever give up. Thanks for all the laughs and talks we have had.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#323294 - 02/25/10 04:34 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: prisonerID]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Starting out with a friendship and emotional intimacy helped me build a foundation for a lasting relationship that became much more-you deserve to have someone who really likes you ALOT, and whom you WANT to be intimate on deeper levels with.

Growing healthy boundaries is tough, but that is the task I face daily.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#323375 - 02/26/10 11:34 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
nomansanisland Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/09
Posts: 156
Loc: NM
Way to go Charlie24...keep on keepin' on...patrick

_________________________
" If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drum. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away." Henry David Thoreau

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#326213 - 03/25/10 09:00 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Hey Charlie,
Wish I would have seen this post earlier. Your asking the same questions that I have been asking myself also. At this point, I have settled for just being bi because I am getting tired of searching for an answer. I'm still not comfortable with that answer. In my search, I have decided that I am roughly about 80% straight and the other 20% undecided. I do agree with you that sleeping around to find out my true sexuality only to get a disease is not a good thing. I too am scared to venture out in the world to find that special someone. Not sure when or how I will find that someone who is special. Time will only tell. Take care, Andy.


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#327065 - 04/02/10 02:56 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: nevragan]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
Hey Andy

I know we've chatted about this topic. The whole confusion of it all.

I look back at when I posted it and some days I feel like I'm bisexual and then I get days like today where I'm just not damn sure of a single fucking thing.

I did realize something, I've developed an unhealthy habit of masturbating to gay porn, and it's become a bit of a routine, even if I have no desire to do it I'm finding myself doing it. Hope this isn't too Triggering.

I'm really gonna try and make a conscious effort to watch what I'm doing and break this habit.

I think I need a healthy break from chronic masturbating.

Guys thanks for letting me graphic and sharing myself, getting this shit out. Clearing my head. It helps my dear friends.

Charlie.


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#327072 - 04/02/10 04:38 AM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Charlie24]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Charlie,

congrats on realizing you have an unhealthy M habit-I think so many of these, for me, only recreate my abuse/csa/trauma and keep me stuck.

The best thing I think I EVER did was to stop that kind of stuff altogether and devote my energies towards intimacy and self acceptance of my body, my own sexuality (not some image or other person's ideas).

I think the key idea I want to convey here is that of fidelity-to one's own self and integrity, and not cheaply sacrificing for some momentary thrill or to escape.

Thanks for your sharing-I am excited that you get to work through this 15 years younger than it took me.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#328271 - 04/13/10 08:25 PM Re: Acting Upon My Feelings (Warning, May Trigger!!!) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
pkincrisi Offline


Registered: 04/08/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Wisconsin
Charlie, thanks for being so honest about your struggle.

I'm really sorry if my story triggers anyone. I don't want to do that but I need to get this out of me.

I've been married for 18 years to a beautiful, amazing woman. But I have had almost constant struggles with masturbating. I must confess that there have been times that watched some gay porn on the internet or looked at gay magazines which has caused me to masturbate even more. Every time I do it I feel so guilty and angry. It's a destructive pattern that has to stop.

I've never talked about anyone with this story. When I was in college, I developed a close friendship with a guy. At first, he was really tough and macho but became increasingly loving and tender toward me. At one point, he was going to suddenly leave school and not come back. I really didn't want him to go. That night we talked in my room. My roommate was sleeping in the top bunk of the bunkbeds.

I don't even remember how it happened but my friend took his shirt off. I was already undressed for the night. I started rubbing and then kissing his chest and he didn't stop me. In fact, he started kissing me on the shoulders why I was doing it. After about a minute, he said that he had to go to bed. I practically begged him to stay in the bed with me but didn't. After he left, I went into the bathroom and masturbated.

The next day, he came back to my room. It was during the afternoon. With both stipped down to our underwear and he crawled into my bed. If someone hadn't knocked and my door and talked to me for about 30 - 40 minutes while I stood in the doorway, I honestly don't know what would have happened.

I am straight and I love my wife very much. It pains me to know that I was willing to put myself in that position with my friend. We both were vulnerable and could have easily made out and more. I wanted to pull his underwear off and see him naked. I wanted to experience him will all five of my senses. And I wanted to use him to please myself.

He was gone for a couple of days and then came back. I was glad that nothing happened and yet I was angry. I stayed angry for him for the rest of the time I was at college. It was like I didn't get anything out of the experience except for more hurt. Maybe he was using me more than I was using him. I don't know...

I feel so much hatred toward myself for that. How could I have been abused and feel all that pain and hate and then want to turn it onto someone else? I want to be free of this so that I can treat all people--men and women--with the love and respect they deserve.

By the way, I hate my body. I've always been extremely skinny and have a very small penius. I've never been any good at the societal image of what a man should be. I felt inadequate before my abuse and only felt worse sense.

Again, I'm sorry if I've trigged anyone with my comments. I've just been holding onto this for so long I needed to get it out there. I'm seeing that I need to heal from this encounter, too.

_________________________
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

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