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#32072 - 03/23/05 05:43 PM Never dealt with it!
bkeithb Offline

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Brand new to this. I was abused as a boy by a relative and then later on as a teen by a teacher. I've NEVER told a soul. But the news about Michael Jackson as of late has brought out feelings I've not had in years. Anger, sadness, depression. I don't really know what to do as the abuse took place years and years ago (well over 20 years). Would telling my wife help? Confiding in someone else? What would be the point?

Just rambling. Telling someone even anonymously helps some, I suppose.


#32073 - 03/23/05 07:09 PM Re: Never dealt with it!
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1174
Loc: New Mexico, USA

You're in the right place. The MJ stuff gets me, too. And if that guy gets off..... Another story.

It doesn't seem to matter how many years ago the abuse was, it shaped our lives in ways that you're experiencing now. We're a funny bunch. If we'd lost a leg 20 years ago, we'd still be dealing with that, we'd probably talk about it from time to time, and the loss would be obvious. But if somebody steals our trust by SA us 20 years ago, shaping us into completely different people, today it's supposed to be water under the bridge, we're supposedly unaffected. Why is that?

I'm glad you made it here. There are some postings going on about the positives and negatives of sharing our histories with our wives, and I don't think any of us really have an answer. It just depends on your relationship and how much you tell, maybe. The answer to healing is in your doing what you're already doing--feeling the pain, anger, sadness. Our old injuries boil up inside us until we can't ignore them anymore. If you feel like sharing those feelings, the men here are great listeners. Sometimes just reading what others have written brings it all up in me. Sitting with those feelings for a few minutes, acknowledging them as mine, helps me.

Take care.


"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#32074 - 03/23/05 08:55 PM Re: Never dealt with it!
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Welcome. Coming to this place helped me a lot and, I can see now, was a real turning point in my life.

I agree entirely with ForeverFighting. I can't imagine better advice and a better de>
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#32075 - 03/23/05 09:17 PM Re: Never dealt with it!
andrew76 Offline

Registered: 10/01/02
Posts: 118
Loc: Florida

Brother we all go thru the worst of the SA and it can help to have those that know what you are feeling,thinking and living through.I myself was abused by someone that was a relative and it sucks because the SA sticks with you for life along with the person who perpetrated a CRIME upon you no matter whether or not you froze or it just took place to you.

Like I said,I myself was abused by someone that was supposed to be a person you look up to for life however that gets twisted and next thing you know your living the life of a person that has a long very hard time trusting.As for telling your wife I would say to you that is only a decision that you have to make and how much you share but,be very careful how much you divuldge otherwise it might come back to bite you later on down the road in the marriage as other SA survivor here can attest to themselves along with myself it has a way of creeping up in conversations that you may or may not be comfortable to share even being with a wife,I personally think she has a right to know that you are a survivor of SA but,the gory details I would be careful with and how much you share even with someone your supposed to trust and love and be committed to.

Welcome to the survivors club,soory you had to enter this way but,glad you made it here to share and hopefully take some insight from others that are in the same position as you or similar circumstances.


Eye of tiger stares down perp,tiger teeth rips perp to shreds
to be abused kills the soul
to survive is to live the ultimate punishment

Knocking on hells door!!

To be silenced is an American amendment right violation,free speech

#32076 - 03/23/05 09:45 PM Re: Never dealt with it!
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6840
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...

I would strongly agree with andrew, to tell her about it, but not the bad bits.

She is your wife, and she should stick by you.
I don't know if it affects your relationship already with her, but I can guess it does.

Abuse was never your fault, none of us asked for it, but we all pay dearly for it, and we are the ones who survived to be here.

It must be a great weight lifted, just to have posted here, a place were you wont be judged.

I welcome you,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#32077 - 03/23/05 10:47 PM Re: Never dealt with it!
bkeithb Offline

Registered: 03/23/05
Posts: 63
Loc: Milwaukee
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm still just beginning to think through how I feel and am uncomfortable even thinking about what happened so many years ago - not to mention sharing it with someone else (even my wife). So, I'll hold off for now. Interestingly, we went through a marriage enrichment program at our church last year and were encouraged to be open and honest in our communication. I thought about telling her then but could not.

I appreciate the encouragement. The anonymity of this group helps and is a good start for my healing.

Also interestingly, I've read a bit of research on the internet about the effects of SA on adults who experienced it as a child/teen. It is eery to read some of the character traits and see myself in them (alchol/drug problems, trouble trusting and having close friends, risky sexual behavior, etc.). Most of these are in my past, by the grace of God, but some still haunt me.

Thanks for listening ...


#32078 - 03/24/05 12:32 AM Re: Never dealt with it!
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI

Welcome. Many men here are in the situation you are in. Many have told their wives. They can speak to that from their own experience.

For now, you can talk about anything you need to here.

Take care,


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#32079 - 03/24/05 01:39 AM Re: Never dealt with it!
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
BkeithB - just to expand on a theme:

If we had lost a leg 20 years ago, everyone would be able to see that and they would most likely extend some empathy to our situation.

With hidden abuse, they do not know and cannot help.

It took me 32 years to speak up & then only by accident. It's been difficult at times since then, but I have had so much support even when it has been difficult for people to know how to support me best.

You will know the nature of your wife better than any of us here - if She is compassionate and understanding, then I would go for it. If She is a hard faced bitch, then I wouldn't.

Best wishes whatever you decide ...Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!


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