sometimes when i come in here it all seems too flowery, everybody is always so damn sensitive all the time. But thats the way things are when you are trying to let go of all the tough guy bullshit. Its bad for me, because i can barely think of myself as a man sometimes, i feel more like a stain on the carpet that is sort of frilly. Sometimes i want to fall into the macho trap, but thats really just one more way to give into weakness. It would be so easy for me to be the dominator rather than the dominated, i held myself back my whole life because i felt like it was my fate to be sacrificed. If being a man means pushing everybody away and being alone in pain and angry all the time, then you can strap a pair of tits on me and call me a woman, because thats pure horseshit.

I was abused by my mother too, but i cant remember. I know she fucked with me once by sticking a suppository up my ass when i 14, but that hardly seems enough to account for all the trauma im feeling, especially when i remembered my brother raping me in the shower, and confronted and dealt with (at least i think so) him and my feelings about that, but i still cant deal with her at all. She still calls my apartment for fucks sake, i just dont know how to tell her to go away. The strange thing is i know he was abused, but not by who. He doesnt remember anything either. Its driving me nuts, whole chunks of my childhood are just blank.

The thing that made me really nervous, was reading this account of this guy who had been ritually abused by a child pornography/satanism cult. i couldt stop reading it, and i cried the whole way through. I felt a really powerfull connection, something very strong that i dont usually feel when i listen to other peoples stories. I dont even know how to begin to deal with that if it happened to me.

If its just more of the same abuse, i know i can handle it. If its something worse, i'll handle it anyways, say good one god, but you havent got me yet, like you, tinfoil.