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#320141 - 01/25/10 08:46 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abus [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Long Island, NY
OK. I can jump in on this one.
I agree. Guys assaulted as adults can relate to this as well.

I was assaulted as both..... age 11 (raped twice), and gang raped at 21. And I can sense differences after each one.

After age 11, yeah, sure, I was still one of the neighborhood kids, outside, building treehouses, baseball, football, all that. But I know I felt DISTINCTLY different. I had shame to carry with me now. I had a big secret to hide. I was disgusted with myself, no matter how much anyone else might have liked me. The was the beginning of my emotional detachment.

Getting myself gang raped was a disaster. Before that I was detached, I used girls to prove to myself that I was a real man, and all that. After assault at 21, well, that was the icing on the cake. After that I felt I was right in my detachment. It only solidified what I had already done, and felt to be natural..... shut down, and keep distance. No trust at all.

It took a few years of marriage to to find out what a real idiot I had been.

So if none of this would have happened, my relationships would be better, I would have had a better relationship with my wife than I've had, would never have considered suicide as a good option, and the glass would have been more frequently half-full, instead of half-empty. Sound familiar??

The only silver lining is that it has given me some degree of sensitivity to abuse and assault victims, although outwardly for the longest time I never showed it.

Regardless, I still have choices, and the future is mine. The point is not to let the past screw up the present.
I'm learning.


Edited by oriolesguy (01/25/10 08:49 PM)

#341511 - 10/06/10 01:07 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: h.beat,h.break]
EHFAR Offline

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 3
Loc: Florida, U.S.A.
Great question...does make you think back.

Happy and Nieve

"Never let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game."

#341604 - 10/07/10 08:10 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: EHFAR]
lfp Offline

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
I just remember being in 1st grade elementary school, or 2nd. I was pretty much the boy stuck into fantasy and books. My friends would treat me rough since then.

Before abuse I was isolated, and everyone knew I was more of an introvert. Then abuse came, and the way it was treated (or untreated) made my life a living hell.

After 15 years, I have a loooooooooot of garbage in my head. Trying to cope with anger and isolation.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

#419710 - 12/20/12 10:22 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Suwanee Offline

Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 1145

Edited by Suwanee (02/19/16 11:51 AM)
"His voice rose under the black smoke before the burning wreckage of the island; and infected by that emotion, the other little boys began to shake and sob too. And in the middle of them....Ralph wept for the end of innocence, the darkness of man’s heart…”. -----William Golding

#419713 - 12/20/12 10:51 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Candu Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 312
Loc: Canada
I don't know. I don't remember much of my childhood. There were issues before the CSA.

#419726 - 12/21/12 01:28 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
cosmos Offline

Registered: 11/12/12
Posts: 191
Loc: Puget Sound
No one will never know, especially me?

"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

T. Paine

#419727 - 12/21/12 01:40 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Jude Offline

Registered: 08/09/12
Posts: 1633
Loc: New England
Before, I was outgoing, athletic, popular, and not a bad looking kid.

After, I was a loner, hated sports, had no friends, stayed drunk or high, and looked like hell.
I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories
Sarah McLachlan

#419739 - 12/21/12 08:47 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
unhappycamper Offline

Registered: 10/21/11
Posts: 732
Loc: VA
I've never remembered much that was good from the pre-rape years, meaning before I turned 7. However, I do remember having a happier life before the flashbacks started at age 42.


#419741 - 12/21/12 09:43 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
I was the cutest little kid with a mop of blonde curly hair and shocking blue eyes. I had a vivid imagination and was always happy.

Compare that to the rage filled Alcoholic and porn addict I became and I want to cry for all the lost opportunities.

Hey things change.
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#419753 - 12/21/12 11:14 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
SoccerStar Offline

Registered: 10/15/12
Posts: 928
Before and after 8 I was exactly the same: a happy daydreaming dinosaur-and-shark fanboy with lots of friends and activities. Once the pictures came into my head I had no idea what they represented and there were no feelings attached so it really didn't do anything to see them.

At 12 I learned what those physical features were, why those movements had happened and the stuff at the end, and that there was a word for one person doing that thing to another. Still had no sensory recall, still just pictures, I knew it was me and now I knew what it was, and I knew it had really happened because since 8 I'd been seeing things that I hadn't known existed at the time but were real. I was kind of disappointed. I remember thinking just "....oh." I was, I guess, disappointed that it had happened but still so totally detached and feeling no harm that I weighed it as much less important than keeping my family calm and being seen as normal.

Then I started to get the shit kicked out of me by some terrorist-caliber bullies and had more important problems to deal with. So I guess you could say I was the sort of kid who only dealt with what he was facing at the moment.

I can say that at 33 I didn't have any of the terror, shock, humiliation, disgust, and sleep problems that I have at 34. And lots of pastimes that drove me before have faded into the background of the after.

Edited by SoccerStar (12/21/12 11:46 AM)
My story

"Don't think it hasn't been a little slice of Heaven just because it hasn't!" --Bugs Bunny

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