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#319459 - 01/20/10 08:07 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: ericc]
Joren Offline

Registered: 09/22/08
Posts: 51
Loc: US
I thought I should chime in, because it might be helpful for me to think about it this way.

I'm not really sure much changed for me due to the CSA. I was always "different" from others in the sense that I lived in an abusive household. I learned early on to be quiet and stay to myself. Before the CSA, however, I did manage to go outside and play with other kids although I never allowed anyone to become real 'friends' or get close emotionally.

After the CSA, my isolationism got worse. I found computers and learned to program and that was the end of hope for social skills. I finished HS and then dropped out of college due to family problems. Fifteen years later I went back, got my BS in Computer Science, and tried graduate school. I'm currently awaiting a hearing for disability for dissociative identity disorder, clinical depression, and PTSD.

When I look back at the before and after situations, I realize that all the CSA did to me was exacerbate things that were already present in my life. I've finally had to admit that I absolutely hate my life and who I am, so all that's left is the dealing with it. Oh yeah, and the fallout.


P.S. LOTS of guys named Mike on here.

#319478 - 01/20/10 01:57 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Joren]
h.beat,h.break Offline

Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I like this topic a lot because I rarely ever think about the type of boy I was because of the type of person I am now. But, since this topic is about the person you were and not the person you are now, I'll stop myself from entertaining any thoughts about wanting to dive in that pool of miasma right there wink

When I was 4-years old, I went on a trip to Florida with my mother. I can't remember how long we stayed there but I remember that we went to Walt Disneyland pretty much every waking moment. It was a freakin' blast smile I remember hugging Goofy then telling my mother how his face was all itchy. But the stay at the hotel was awesome! I was in that pool every waking moment and it was a pretty big pool too (for a 4 year old anyway) and everyday I had some new kid coming up to me wanting to talk. This one kid, who called himself Dr. Seuss, would come and talk to me everyday. He was much older than me too, all the kids that spoke to me were. I can't remember what we talked about, but we would talk for hours. I guess they didn't mind hanging around by the edge of the pool... because I couldn't swim grin My mother always said that from a young age I always drew people towards me. She always brings up other time when I would have kids surrounded by me either talking or playing, even older kids. She could never understand why so many kids were hanging around me by the pool and I didn't even know them. But I had fun with them though.

I was playful as a child and didn't care who I played with. I attracted people. I was friends with a lot of kids in my elementary school except the girls (because they had cooties). I was a child and I thought like a child and acted like one: I played. From the ages of 4 to 6 I played. And then, my cousin taught me a new game. She said that only two people can play this game. We played the game often with bonus games in between, for her anyway. We moved shortly after and then at the age of 6, my oldest brother taught me a "game" as well. I didn't want to, but he assured me that it would be good... for him.

I loved to play and I loved to interact with everyone. It must have made me feel something, because even in 2nd grade I still had a lot of friends... but that was because I was such a horrible child. I can't even believe I passed 2nd grade, let alone elementary. I was one bad student. My god, I was horrible grin And I stayed that way, just being bad for no reason, talking back to people, cursing, fighting, I was horrible. Man... I was really, really, a problem child except for high school. In high school, I was invisible, so there was nothing else I could do except homework and study. But, I was a playful little sprite though. The Pan of Foch Boulevard smile

Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

#319534 - 01/20/10 09:56 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
My sa happened to me as a street kid. I didn't realize it at the time but sex was all I had to trade then for finding a way to obtain the basics for staying alive. That was nearly 25 years ago. Since then I have become deeply involved in frontline work, in one capacity or another, with the homeless, kids and adults alike, which begs the question whether I would be doing the same thing today if my experience on the street as a kid never happened. I enjoy what I do but it can be hard. I feel burned out at times so I often wonder this. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#319554 - 01/21/10 02:37 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
Paddy Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 16
Loc: MS Gulf Coast
Before the abuse, I was happy and had no cares..
After I was no longer happy and didn't care

#319593 - 01/21/10 09:42 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Paddy]
Luka M Offline

Registered: 01/09/10
Posts: 4
Good question, it has really made me think.

I really dont remember enough from my early childhood to know what difference the abuse made to my personality. I have two vivid memories from when I was a toddler, after that it skips forward to the age of 4. The sa was with me then and continued throughout my childhood so has obviously had a huge effect on the man I have become.

Ive only appreciated in the last few years just how profound that effect has been. Dropping out of school, failed marriage, no interest in friendships, drug abuse, dead end jobs, hospitalization.

The good thing about being aware of this is that now I can change it. And believe me Ive been working hard to do that.

Im drug free, can drink socially and responsibly, have maintained work for the same company for the last 5 years and am doing reasonably well there too. When it comes to relationships I still have to work hard there. Im not that concerned in having friends or a partner, my sole focus is on my own and my sons emotional wellbeing. I may be missing out on connecting with others but its not an issue for me right now.

Because I am slowly but surely getting my life back together I am starting to think that before the abuse I may just have a been a great, happy, intelligent and playful little guy.

#319613 - 01/21/10 03:40 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Hauser]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I was going to save the world. End racism, give everyone an education and set them all free with democracy and reason.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#319821 - 01/23/10 02:43 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: ericc]
alan55 Offline

Registered: 08/19/09
Posts: 202
Loc: Seattle, WA
Eric ; Thanks for the kind words. Yes, indeed, we all could have been much different if the abuse had not occured. Sometimes I see other families and think "They must have it all together" but as we know, appearances are deceiving. We've all become pretty good at keeping up appearances. As I move through this with my T I find that its OK to be me. I'm 56 and just now discovering certain things about me are alright. I don't look like Fabio, but I don't look like Woody Allen either.I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I;m not a fool either.
Yes, I agree, Eric. It could be a lot worse! Thanks again for the encouragement. I needed that.

#319912 - 01/24/10 11:56 AM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: alan55]
Nyjah Offline

Registered: 07/15/07
Posts: 610

I was just a normal kid, I was a scrawny little 5 y.o who just wanted to skate and bug my sister. I loved my dad and wanted to be just like him. I put worms in my sisters shoes and hair, I loved playing in the dirt and running around bare foot. I had no fear. I loved books and coloring. I loved music. I loved life.

#319919 - 01/24/10 02:56 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: Nyjah]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I'm remembering this morning that I was always begging my family to teach me something. They kept telling me to shut up. Then my siblings were assigned to teach me but they didn't, of course I can now see because thery were children.
The only interactions I recall were me being told to shut up, my brother terrorizing me, he got great pleasure from it. (4 years older) And the adults treating me like an infant or a toddler and never teaching me anything about growing up. my little sister knew more than me.
Maybe it was to stop me recalling something. I'm pretty sure someone abused me and tha family knew and wanted to silence me. I was very precoscious and spoke early, probablky from all the adults around me speaking all the time. Holy crap was I being abused by a pervert group my dad belonged to?! Everyone always talked about how children don't recall anything so they could do anything.
Puts that last post in perspective and speaks about who I have always been someone who wanted the best for everyone not just me.

Edited by kidneythis (01/24/10 03:03 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#320138 - 01/25/10 11:45 PM Re: What kind of person were you? (before the abuse) [Re: kidneythis]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
kinda sad thread

i think it's pointless though, what we live is what makes us the way we are.. i dont know what kind of person i was because my first memories envolve ..that.. i dont know when it started i guess i was meant to be the kind of person i am now, always at hospital, with doctors saying i cant take care of myself

i like what jls says btw..

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