I caugth the tail end of this last night. I was able to allow myself to experience some of the feelings that came up.
Now this morning as I watch Regis and Letterman I realized that I don't experience feelings that happen as things occur. I've always known this but never realized it wasn't me being defective.
Now I realize that the healing process is going to be in large part breaking down inner barriers to my own emotions. If I can't experience emotions other than anger or some form of stimulation as they occur I won't ever be able to process what is happening well enough to react in ways that don't make me appear abnormal to others, and process what did happened to me.
This is what my abusers were refering to when they told me I'd never be ok again. This is what they were forcing me to do in the ways they abused me mentally and emotionally. They knew I was walling myself off and teaching myself to be hard and they knew it was wrong and how it would harm me. They knew that the incongruity between what I felt or didn't feel and what was happening and how others reacted would confuse me and make it very unlikely that anyone would ever listen to me because of the sound of that confusion and the appearance that I was somehow abnormal.
They knew they were trapping in this emotional mental hell and meant to from the start. I haven't quite got it yet but I'm starting to rethink and recall the why of this. It isn't just the thing I have assumed I must have seen or heard that they wanted to silence me for. They really feared how well my mind worked. They really thought it was some kind of magical aberation or "whitey" trick that I could figure out the lies and manipulations they put me through meant to make them feel less than. They honestly thought I had been sent by "whitey" to make them insecure and feel bad about themselves.
No matter how much they abused me I always was me, I never lost my self or my mental ability to figure things out no matter how many times they shocked me or drugged me into babbling idiocy, I always had a level of intelligence that drove them crazy with jealousy and fear. Even as they taught me upon recovery from the latest drugging or shock how to see and think incompletely or just plain wrongly and give me false information as truth to make me sound even more stupid and confused, I would break through in a way that made them fearful again.
So terrorizing me and deliberately confusing me about what emotions were and how to understand them and also about what was proper social conduct etc became the way they landed on as terror was the only thing that shut me up and made me withdraw. My foster homes were chosen for that purpose. The first one I endured constant demeaning, beatings daily, and sexual abuse. The second home I was isolated and ignored when I wasn't actively being mentally abused and made to feel less than and unworthy. I was only ever spoken to to be abused or ordered about and never allowed to speak if I started to express thought. Both families were less than educated and very Jerry Springer esque in their outlook on life. Rational thought never even had a chance with any of them.
In the Shelter and the two foster homes my little sister was used to further isolate me. In the Shelter she was befriended to add credence to the excuse that it was me not them that made me how I was and in the foster homes this was continued by way of the back story created in the Shelter that eventually became the "truth" that followed me. She was always treated better and she always fell into their side of things. As well as getting to go home to live with some part of the family for a while after the shelter and between each foster home. It wasn't her fault any child would have, I would have. We all need positive reinforcment.
It worked. I knew I wasn't the defective loser I was constantly told in so many ways that I was but I also had no access to rational knowledge that might provide the way out for me. That was also part of the reason for the foster homes chosen, to prevent me from haviong that access as one of my best unbreakable characteristics is that I can think and knowing truth would help me rebuild what they worked so hard to destroy. The belief of my abusers was that I'd get to a certain age and I wouldn't be able to, and that no one would help me even if they saw what I lacked, because of the American habit of not helping someone percieved to be stupid or not helping themselves. I regard this as the worst of our cultural traits since it is based on uninformed or falsely informed perceptions.
I do remember now that the date I entered and left the Shelter in my file at DYFS was a false date. It was created to hide the fact that I'd been there for years. Now I know why no one would ever let me know the time or the date of anything until I left. So I couldn't put a valid timeline to the events making it even harder to find whatever record there was or the employees who worked there when I was there.
I don't know why but they told me the date entered in my file for when I left, when I left. and that date was wrong. I want to say it was dated a very long time after I left. This was waved in my face, they were so proud and happy that they'd been able to knobble the system so well that false records were being created. They also told me I'd never recall this. I think by this time I had started to disemble and hide my intelligence. I also had the memory troubles from the ECT. I don't forget, I just lose the ability to recall on demand regularly.
"Just" like it's fucking normal!
The only way to imagine the depravity and pride for that depravity as well as the pleasure they took from my abuse, that my abusers had, is to review almost any decent historical documantary about the Nazi's and the death camps. Pay attention to anything about the foot soldiers used to do the dirty work.
My life in that torture chamber, death camp, was exactly the same for me as it was for the people the Nazi's persecuted. I never got public justice or acknowledgement for my experience and since I've recalled I've been abused and intimidated by the people who's job it is to investigate it.
How is it that I'm not a serial killer or a gangster or some kind of psycho like those who raised me meant me to be. They told me that too. I was going to be one of those things or a pedo or all of them.
Wow where did that come from? I sort of feel better.
Edited by kidneythis (04/30/10 05:25 PM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.