I haven't posted anything in awhile. I became sick, with what may have been swine flu: chills, fever, coughing, fatigue, stomach problems. I went to work everyday, went home, stayed up for an hour, and slept until morning. Then Christmas came. I spent time with my niece and nephews. I love everything about them. I yearned for children of my own, though, right now, I'm far from ready.
My sexuality preoccupies me more than any other subject. What do I do with the wreckage that has been made of it? I am attracted to men, thin, tall ones with boyishly handsome faces, like mine. One is a bartender at my favorite bar. He has had a boyfriend for years. Yet, there is chemistry between us; there always has been. We kissed once. For awhile, it seemed as if something was going to happen. Nothing did. I pull away from him. He pulls away from me. He's the only man I've felt something towards in many months.
I want to embrace him. I want to kiss him. Beyond that, I want nothing. Sex repulses me. The memories of having it, which hasn't happened since April '08, are almost traumatic. There is no sexual act with a man that doesn't make me want to scream in horror. I long for him, and I'm terrified of him. Our relationship has grown into something odd, halfway between a friendship and romance. Both of us are conflicted. Both of us seek out each other's company. It's never satisfying, but we're complacent not to take it further.
This has been my pattern, unconsciously seeking out the unattainable. But I'm too sensitive. I can tell when someone has no feelings for me at all, so I chose those who can love me, and want to, but won't.
I was in a relationship once. It was a miserable experience. It did teach me that I can get a boyfriend. I'm not "too shy," or "too damaged." It's the memory of a woman that stops me. I didn't know her well, but I became obsessed with her. She was a lesbian who hit on me at the bar over two years ago. I suspect she was sexually abused. I doubt I'll see her again. It's the last time I saw her which haunts me.
She was brusque with me the previous time. I said, "hi." And she sneered, "hi" with such venom the guy next to me remarked, I had been "hissed at." The only explanation was that she had realized our flirting wasn't platonic on my end. I followed her and asked if she was angry with me. She assured me she wasn't and walked away. She wouldn't meet my eyes again that whole night.
But the next time I saw her, she was watching me closely. She giggled when I danced. We snuck glances at each other while we spoke with our respective friends. She looked so beautiful, so slender, in her turtleneck. She stretched like a cat. I loved that she covered every inch of her body, because I always cover mine. She walked past me and towards the exit. I pretended to ignore her, remembering how my attraction to her had upset her. But I had to see her before she left. I spun around, a complete 180, like a dance move. She stared at me from outside, beaming. I felt anguished. Maybe she only smiled because she realized she had been silly. How could a gay man have a crush on a lesbian? Or, maybe she had developed puzzling feelings for me too. I'll never know. She was at her last year at law school. I assume she graduated and moved to another city.
She is a fantasy. But for awhile, she had seemed within my grasp. I think I could have been happy with her. If it's even possible to cure my revulsion to men, why would I want to, if it means letting go of a wife and children? I've had feelings for other women. The deepest was for a coworker, who, big surprise, had a fiancee. If not for the prospect of loving a woman, I might pursue the bartender more aggressively, or at least with less ambivalence. But then what? At best, he would leave his long-term boyfriend for a guy winces at the thought of sex. How long would our relationship last? I can't win. I can't give up.
I can't blame the swine flu. I haven't posted because I'm in a stasis. There's nothing new to report. I'm not happy, or unhappy. The scary thing is, I'm comfortable. It feels as if it could go on forever. Hopefully, it'll pass, like the flu. And, one day soon I'll start living.