On January the 22nd 2009 is when the man who sexually assaulted me for over 13 years died, It’ will be only a year since his death, I never went to the funeral and I don’t feel guilty in not going either. He did leave me some money in his will as he knew he was going to die and even though I didn’t want to be in his will, He put me in it even when I told him no. I kind of think no amount of money will give back what he took away from me, plus I wanted to move on from what he did to me and how he totally confused and manipulated me and sexually tormented me.
My ex wife and I separated In 2007 and since I had nowhere else to go, I had to go live with him and that lasted about 6 months, but I managed to sleep on the lounge as I didn’t want to be in the same bed as him as I knew what he would want off me and I started standing up for myself with him and we started arguing and got up the courage up and I told him never to touch me again and he kicked me out an hour before new year’s day in 2008.
He died of cirrhosis of the liver as he was an Alcoholic, The last 2 years of his life, he was In allot of pain and he’s stomach was enlarged with fluid and that meant he couldn’t touch me as much or want sex off me and the last time he gave me oral sex and wanted to masturbate me when I didn’t want it, he bent down and his back or spine gave in and he was in allot of pain and I may sound crawl but I was glad that ended him from touching me at that time and stoped his sexual advances on me, but he would still try touching me and wanting me to kiss him and I was noticing that I became very touchy and jumpy and I got startled easily and I knew I had then I had PTSD and he would do things to get a reaction out of me. And I kind of think he did what he did to me since he knew he was about to die and that he couldn’t get charged or put in jail for it, even though I would not even mention this to the authorities or police.
And He’d tell me things like that he hasn’t broken me in yet, or he was only show me what happened to him at a early age, or he would tell me he was full of hatred, or he hated sexually confused people as I was very confused and mixed up about my sexual orientation, weather I like having sex with males or females or both and with his interference it made my situation even worse, I kind of think I became sexually confused because of the ways he’d get sex off me and he’d mainly get it when I was really intoxicated, and even though he’d try getting sex off me while I was sober, I was more resistant with him in saying no to him and sometimes it paid off and other times it didn’t.
Through the manipulation and control and abuse and force and whatever else he’d use, I started to believe what he was doing to me was all my fault and I deserved that kind of punishment from him since he was about over 20 years older than me and more mature and been around allot longer than me and experienced life more than me and he acted as a father towards me as he’d say to other I was like a son to him and he would act as though he was very popular and successful and that I couldn’t become and have what he had especially with my financial situation with my ex wife. And to keep him as a friend and so he would help me out now and then mainly financially, I had to have sex with him weather I like it or not.
I think the worst part that I felt very guilty and remorseful about was having a wife to go home to and having to lie about what was happening, as he wouldn’t take no as a reasonable answer or excuse from me and treating me like a sex toy and a puppet and not a true friend, he took advantage of my situation with my ex wife as she was also very abusive, controlling and sexually abusive towards me in a way. I kind of felt if I said anything I wouldn’t be believed or heard or they would think I was gay or bisexual or making it up and there was nothing nobody could really do for me any way about the situation I was in, since I couldn’t help myself.
During the period he was sexually assaulting me I started to self harm and attempt suicide as nothing else I did would help, I wrote him a letter and told him to his face that I wanted it stopped and did fight him at 1 stage in a hope to stop it, I went onto working as a furniture removalist and other work that meant I was away for long periods at a time and even tried a drug and a alcohol Rehabilitation to get away from him but nothing seemed to work or have any affect since I kept going to see him or he’d harass me till I went over to see him and the only thing that I felt would help me cope and got me out of reality for awhile without him touching me or wanting sex off me was to self harm and attempting suicide and at that stage of my life, It was quite effective except it didn’t stop him getting sex or touching me as nothing I did or said to him would stop it happening .
At the time this was happening and near the end of this era for me I was screaming out for help and I told my counsellor at the rehab about what this man was doing to me and I told a Chaplin in a church base organisation about it and also mental health and nobody would help me, they kind of believed I was gay and all I had to do was accept it plus stay off alcohol but they also knew the man who was abusing me also and they didn’t want to believe me but I don’t blame them since at that stage I couldn’t explain what was happening or express myself to anyone. And the major turnaround for me was when I did a major suicide attempt, it’s like I have a second chance of life.