I joined this site in March of '09'. I have been waiting for my time to feel comfortable speaking about this. Seems some of us take a bit longer. (I am 49 years of age) I can still only speak generally, because remembering is still too painful.
Simply put, I was constantly verbally abused by family when I was growing up, at 13 I was sexually abused over a period of 2 years by clergy. I think what hurt almost as bad as the CSA was the fact that I could not depend on family to help me. I went it alone and suffered because of that choice. I became the 'devils child' that my family could no longer tolerate and all of the local schools expelled me from. I ended up being sent to a reform school to be 'fixed'. I really didn't believe that I was 'bad'.
I was able to push most of it back into my mind and get on with my life, (or so I thought) Many years passed, I married, had kids, had grandkids, had a home, 2 cars and all that stuff. In the summer of 2005, my nights of sleep became restless. Memories invaded, I became depressed and began turning into a monster once again. I had to put my depression on 'hold' for a little storm named Katrina,(ergo, more PTSD) A few years passed and it all came back to me 10 fold. I divorced, lost the house and cars, lost my family. I distanced myself from all relatives. My work peers knew something was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to ask for help from anyone. A few months after I joined this site, It became too much for me, and as a result of my actions = long term hospitalization.
I've been gone for awhile but I'm returned to hopefully gain something for myself by talking.
Baby steps I'm told. I still can't bring myself to read other survivor stories, the rage inside me becomes uncontrollable. I understand I don't have to until I'm ready.
This is my story, this is not who I am or choose to be. I want to see him one day as unfamiliar, if I can learn to let go of the hate. I've spent so many years hating, that it's instilled in my nature. It's hard for me to let go. I believe I'll never be able to forgive, but maybe I can find a way to just 'cope' and move on.
I am currently in therapy and on medications. I don't expect much from the therapy but the meds help with my anger and depression. For the time being, I'll take that.