The University of Life
Department of Relationship Affairs

Notification #3045-1
Dear Miss No Name
Luis' prospective girlfriend

We are glad to announce that we have received your request to become lfp's girlfriend. He has not been told yet about this situation; however we want to make clear some points about him in general before you make this important step.

1. Studying for him is a game so do not be surprised if you get ignored for some long time because of that.

2. You will be seen as a potential threat.

3. He does not do the holding hand thing. Symptoms like wanting to throw up or run away may appear.

4. Forget about having him go to birthday parties and crowded events, and play the "boyfriend role" for he will completely disregard so.

5. If you go out with him make sure he doesn't feel threatened. If you know he will get that way, then carry the appropriate medication if necessary. It can pretty much be any of the pills the 6 Ts he has seen have prescribed. Xanax is highly recommended to be a to-go pocket med.

6. If all of a sudden he gets scared for unusual stuff like shoes or the mirror, then give him water or a book about physics. He'll get over it soon.

7. His face is frozen when he sees you and would not even know what to say. He will not be sure if he likes you or not.

8. He cannot cry or express anger or happiness properly. If something bad happens to you, he might of course get angry.. but you might not even notice.

9. He might not want to be surrounded by people for long periods of time, or he will just throw up. Only when he thinks about being hit very hard on the face, he gets better. If doesn't work, ask him about the three most important theorems in vector calculus.

10. He will not believe you are truly interested in him.

11. He is a male survivor of sexual abuse and neglect, was kicked out of his house by his father and revived the abuse every twenty days. He received no appropriate treatment for 13 years and in the last years he has seen six different Ts, who have destroyed his life more. He might be tiresome with this subject in conversations.

12. He never played sports and never fit in the "boy stuff", so do not expect the typical "man".

13. He feels so ashamed and guilty that he says he can't even deserve to see you or to pee standing up. He doesn't know if he sees you because he's pushing himself to feel normal or if he really does it because he likes it.

14. After struggle and a lot of reading, he said he is straight. That is certainly true, but he does check at other guys as you walk in the street with him. Of course he does not feel man enough for you, and the lack of identity and everything just makes him focus on "what he didnt have" or "wondering too much about other men, what they do and how they feel". That craving can include a sexual component.

15. So far, he hasn't experienced actual sexual desire for someone real (aka right next to him in real time). It has to be something like a screen or a picture... Reality can be very triggering.

16. When close to other men, he feels extremely small and frozen face again.

17. Self esteem does not exist in his vocabulary.

18. If he gets any better, then sometimes he will feel like his dad and that is triggering. Pills may be needed.

19. He might wake up right besides you saying still with eyes shut: "potential vorticity is conserved in non-cyclonic flow". As soon as he smells you or feels your closeness, he will feel invaded and probably throw up.

20. Lately, breathing hurts for him. He might be sngry when he looks at you

These were only the 20 most important aspects you must have into account. At the University have been studying him for some time already and know the drugs he has been prescribed. Honestly, we don't believe it is a good idea your request but it's definitely up to you.

In case you have changed your mind, we can always offer a second choice. Luis' file needs more research and experiment design. The last time, we put electrodes in his hands and administered him 20 homeopatic globes per day. Results were not satisfactory. You can pretend to accept the challenge and perform some experiments for us, like make him do stuff or give him a different book when he gets bad, or a double or triple doses of benzodiazepines with caffeine, or Ambien, or other meds. Please note that your help would be good for the general Department's research branch. You can break up with him in a month, he'll probably feel lighter and if not, we'll find some drug to feed him meanwhile.

Again, we appreciate your interest in us, and wait for your answer eagerly.

Yours faithfully,

Relationship Affairs Department Chair

21-50 Road of Nowhere. 11452.
::Please answer referring to file #21765::

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
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