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#314767 - 12/16/09 06:48 PM How to feel?????????
LC Offline

Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
I've read many post of survivors and their support network being able to unload their thoughts and experiences intertwined with their feelings and emotions. For me my thoughts and experiences are all analytical and I find that I can not (or will not???) let myself actually feel the words I speak and write.

I don't know if this coping mechanism is so engrained that I cannot remember what it is like to feel, or if I am some sort of sociopath incapable of emotions at all. The only time I "feel" is when I hurt myself emotionally by destroying someone else's dreams. I have found that throughout my life the amount of hurt someone else can do to you (emotionally) is far greater than anything I could do to myself (physically).

So looking back I have become some sort of emotional masochist. Even now I am craving the chaos that that lifestyle brings and the "feelings" that come with it. Without that my days are spent with this hum that encases both my body and mind and will not let me normally eat, sleep, love or hate.

So I guess my convoluted question is what is better, the monotony of nothing or the chaos of hurt????


#314786 - 12/16/09 07:37 PM Re: How to feel????????? [Re: LC]
JBells Offline

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
I like that you call it a craving, thats how I describe it too and most people don't understand that. I don't have any answers for this even after working on it for months. All I know is sometimes, for me, feeling bad feels good.

#314787 - 12/16/09 07:42 PM Re: How to feel????????? [Re: LC]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Quite a few of us suffering from this same affliction have lost the ability to feel for ourselves and for others. A part of recovery is recovering the ability to feel, and eventually the ability to empathize with the plight and suffering of other people. At one time I was a pretty cold and unfeeling person myself, a stoned and drunken member of a street gang, who could have cared less about myself or anyone outside of my little band of brothers. And yet, 27 years after I left Detroit, almost 10 years since I finally left recovery, and after 5 years of therapy and substance-abuse recovery, I find myself back here trying to support and encourage other guys who are still struggling. Not only have I recovered the ability to feel and have had to work through my own pain, but I have also recovered the ability to empathize with others too.

If you stick with this thing called recovery for long enough, you will become a much more feeling person too.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#314808 - 12/16/09 11:12 PM Re: How to feel????????? [Re: Trucker51]
LC Offline

Registered: 07/31/09
Posts: 31
Loc: Canada
Just reading the responses to this thread then re-reading my own I was struck with an epiphany. I just realized that I became what I hated most, an abuser. Granted I have never been sexually or physically abusive but I have knowingly and willingly committed countless acts of emotional abuse.

For me it started with lying and will end with lying, all my addictions (from sports and porn, to alcohol, drugs and finally gambling) were venues that I could practice and hone my prowess for lying. I became addicted and found myself needing more and new areas to lie about. I also became addicted to the rush of when I was caught in a lie. I found that I was quite adept at placating my parter and telling them more lies to "fix" the situation. I relate it to triaging a hopeless situation efficiently but having no intention of following through. I became so adept that I would purposely "slip" with my stories so that whoever it was would have to confront me.

This is how my CSA finally came out, through a set of circumstances that is unbelievable even to me and I am living through it.

Thanks again to those that responded and I guess this tangent changed my thread but oh well.

#314895 - 12/17/09 03:06 PM Re: How to feel????????? [Re: LC]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
It is not uncommon to turn around and inflice abuse on those around us. Like you said it may not be sexual or physical but emotional is most common. We can become social cripples and in our floundering and trying to cope and survive we will often cause collateral damage. It is sad but often true.

I have learned the skill of apologizing.

#314902 - 12/17/09 04:03 PM Re: How to feel????????? [Re: Freedom49]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

I can only speak of my own experience, but indeed I felt nothing about this for years. It was only through literally tons of journaling, posting on MS both as topic starter and answerer, beginning therapy, and a hell of a lot of thinking about what happened to me, that after about 6 months I first started to feel something I would call actually feeling. Every now and then I would get glimmers when I would write something particularly upsetting, but then that would fade back into "oh yeah, that thing I wrote". It's all a little bit more real right now. I would say without hesitation, the chaos of hurt is preferable to the monotony of nothing...which is actually a kind of hurt all unto itself.

all the best,


the family
the perp


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