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#313617 - 12/08/09 07:40 PM Why?
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
"Why do you let us keep doing this to you" asks one of the perps to little 10 yo me. I say nothing at all. Someone else may be thinking the same thing tonight. I still have no answer...but I day I will have an answer.

#313620 - 12/08/09 08:15 PM Re: Why? [Re: Still]
Casmir213 Offline

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 851
Loc: Northeast, USA

It's sounds like that perp wanted to alleviate themselves of the responsibility for what they were doing, so they blamed you for their actions by asking you that question. The question was an accusation and a lie aimed at twisting the mind of a helpless child, because the responsibility will always remain with them.


I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

#313621 - 12/08/09 08:26 PM Re: Why? [Re: Casmir213]
Dewey2k Offline

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I agree with Rocco. The question was designed to make you feel responsible for something you had no responsibility for. Your perp is responsible, not you.

#313624 - 12/08/09 08:39 PM Re: Why? [Re: Casmir213]
user2007 Offline

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 346
I've never had this question asked from a perp but oddly enough from another survivor. I said it had been somewhat seven months since the last time, he asked why I let it happen. For a moment I didn't think I could say anything.

It would be hell to try and explain. What happens in my head, the way I think and rationalise can't be described into simple sentences or expressions. I can't explain the way abuse makes my mind think. You could ask me why, why do I let him hurt me? Why do I do it to myself?

But I don't have a reason, never had. I don't know why the fuck it all happened. It wasn't something I just decided one day.

"Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded by
All this pavement"

~ John Mayer

#313631 - 12/08/09 09:32 PM Re: Why? [Re: user2007]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
It is a setup. It is a bunch of lies and misdirected shame.

I believe it is dance of shame that gets us survivors. It is the perps shame not ours to own.

Although it is not easy to do the key for me was to come to terms with the messages and put the blame back into the hands of the perp.

Great topic to be discussing and processing.

We are on the way to wholeness.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#313654 - 12/08/09 10:40 PM Re: Why? [Re: DJsport]
sportinrucks Offline

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 443
Loc: Louisiana
You know its the same thing I ask myself today when I engage in self destructive behavior or let people treat me like shit.

#313674 - 12/09/09 03:06 AM Re: Why? [Re: sportinrucks]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Hey Robbie:

Good to see you back, how are things going in your neck of the woods? Part of the recovery process is re-learning how to value ourselves and recover enough self-esteem and self-confidence to get upset when somebody tries to walk all over us. Becoming assertive enough to protect ourselves and our interests without getting angry is the ultimate goal.

Hope that your life is getting better these days and hope to see more of you soon.


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#313683 - 12/09/09 08:11 AM Re: Why? [Re: Still]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
It is a false question. It immediatly diverts you away from the fact that you were a child and makes you responsible for the abusers behavior. It works so well because in our society as in most western societies people are held to be responsible for themselves. It works so insidiously well on children because they crave to be allowed to do adult things such as be held responsible for themselves and their actions or lack of actions. Another insidious part of this is that it makes the child feel falsely older and more adult thus less likely to tell.
It wasn't long ago that children were held responsible for anything they happened to get caught up in and even put to death. "you should have known better" is a phrase that comes to mind. Children can't know better especially when power is exerted or weaknesses are manipulated.

You did not "let" anyone do anything, you were a child. Children do not have choice, that is the main reason of why it is a crime to have sex with children aside from the known psychological developmental damage it causes and it just plain being wrong.

Edited by kidneythis (12/09/09 08:23 AM)
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#313839 - 12/10/09 07:04 AM Re: Why? [Re: kidneythis]
pietie Offline

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Hi my friend

It has been a long time, I know....

In the time that I have worked through my issues I came to realize one fact about why I did not stop it. The theme of my life is rejection, no REJECTION, and no matter how sick it sounds, this was the only place I felt accepted and good enough for something. He used to tell me I liked it, and I started believing him, but to me ultimately I now realize it was due to the acceptance I experienced in the act, yes again, I know its sick!!

Good luck to you!!

Not Perfect, just forgiven

#314085 - 12/11/09 10:08 PM Re: Why? [Re: pietie]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
ANSWER: This is ALL your's, guys. Even if you trained me for certain reactions and behaviors, this is ALL your's. Even if, even though...the reactions you trained came from YOU.

Now I look at it 30 years later...its still ALL your's. As disgusting and disturbing as the reactions and responces are, I did not design nor build them. I was 7.5 to 14 years old and you were 4 years older. YOU own this.

#314191 - 12/13/09 12:49 AM Re: Why? [Re: Still]
M3 Offline

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Good Answer Robbie!

(And BTW, love the "Son of Rambow" avatar!)

Peace and love...


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