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#307422 - 10/21/09 08:51 AM Re: I'm back...4 years later [Re: weepywife]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

with love and work, there is always a chance.


the family
the perp

#307425 - 10/21/09 09:20 AM Re: I'm back...4 years later [Re: weepywife]
Angelx Offline

Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Hi, weepywife. I too am going through a difficult time with my partner. I don't think that anyone is in a position to tell you that you should stay or leave your husband without actually knowing either of you or what you have together. Only you can make that decision based on what is best for you. Like me, you obviously love your husband and feel that your relationship is worth saving or you wouldn't be here now seeking advice. After bottling it all up for the last 25 years, I know that my partner is not going to find it easy to start opening up to people but I'm hoping that, with my help, he will find the strength to confront his demons. You must look after yourself too and try not to let his needs overpower everything else. I feel like an emotional punchbag at times and it does drain all your energy. I'm glad he has had a breakthrough and no you are not foolish, its good that you have renewed hope. Take care and good luck x

#307497 - 10/21/09 09:36 PM Re: I'm back...4 years later [Re: Angelx]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
Shouldn't he be doing everything possible to get better?


If he ever wants a family he will probably have to. My husband FREAKED OUT when I had my daughter. From what I understand he is far from alone with having a 'break down' after a baby.

#312329 - 11/30/09 03:53 AM Hope Vs. Action [Re: weepywife]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 542
Loc: U.S.A.

Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 08:53 PM)

#312365 - 11/30/09 01:35 PM Re: Hope Vs. Action [Re: Disappointed]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
Just to let you know, my husband was on anti-depressants for over a year. I do believe they saved him from suicide at the time, and so were useful in his case, but they definitely were not a happy pill. He was spacey all the time, kind of neutralized, neither happy nor sad nor angry, no real emotions of any kind, just a grey blur, and there was absolutely no difference for us in the intimacy department. He was probably even less inclined to 'share' anything, feelings, information, touch, whatever.

When he came off the anti-depressants, he had to face the grieving process all over again, or I guess really for the first time, except now we had a good support system in place so it was slightly less intense that when he first faced his CSA, and he lived through it. My observation in my H's case was that the meds were only useful in postponing the true healing until he was ready to handle it.

The men here offer good information about what your husband is going through, but be careful. We wives spend most of our time looking at this all from his perspective and we WAIT... for our turn to come.

Listen to the women, to Piglet and Disappointed, they have stuck it out for years and know the score. I need to listen to them too, I'm 3 years along in this journey and am starting to see the reality, that what I want is very unlikely to ever happen with this man I love.

Remember, an ultimatum only works if you are willing to go through with it if he turns it down. It won't work as a ploy to get him to change. Don't give him one unless you really mean it.

Hang in there until you know what you want, really want, then do it.


#312387 - 11/30/09 06:17 PM Re: I'm back...4 years later [Re: weepywife]
Angelx Offline

Registered: 10/18/09
Posts: 32
Loc: UK
Originally Posted By: weepywife
I think he needs to go on an antidepressant. He hasn't this whole time. I think he needs it to have a shot at getting better. He is refusing. This angers me. Shouldn't he be doing everything possible to get better? He doesn't want to take a pill that messes with the chemicals in his brain.

My partner was also totally against taking any perscribed drugs. Eventually things got that bad that I was scared he was going to have a complete breakdown and he begged me for help. So reluctantly he went to the docs with me and started a course of anti-depressants. He has only been on them a short time but they have been a godsend. His extreme mood swings have all but disappeared and he is able to cope on a day to day basis alot better than before. Its like the person I first met has come back to me. Plus they have not made him spaced out or drugged up which we were worried about. He is now making progress in other ways too which I think the anti-depressants have helped him do. I know, reading other posts, that not everyone has had such a positive result but I can only speak from my experience.

#313104 - 12/05/09 10:32 PM Re: I'm back...4 years later [Re: Angelx]
pandora Offline

Registered: 09/26/09
Posts: 15
I would have to agree with Roxanne. I too wanted my husband to take a "happy pill." My husband went on an anti-depressant, Paroxetine (trade names Seroxat, Paxil). He was trying to numb the feelings/pain and avoid the inevitable emotions which he is now coming to terms with slowly. Anti-depressants are only a temporary fix.

He was spacey, no highs or lows, slept a lot, had no libido after a while and still had repressed CSA issues. This particular anti-depressant must be weaned off of carefully. He quit cold turkey and not knowing the side effects were just side effects, contemplated suicide.

Fortuneately, he told me ahead of time about quitting. I did some research (the website was very instrumental in his weaning plan.) It was a rough go, but knowing what lay ahead helped me understand what he was going thru and to not take it personally. Some days were still very rough, even knowing this wasn't really him. It took 7 months to wean a 5 month pre>

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