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#313029 - 12/05/09 10:38 AM Why do I keep getting involved with survivors??
Zooey Offline

Registered: 11/23/08
Posts: 8
Loc: FL
This is random, but here it goes...

My last boyfriend was a csa survivor. When I first met him and started dating him, I did not know this. He was a sweet, handsome, outgoing, charming guy who piqued my interest. Then he turned dark on me - moody, depressed, negative, sad, isolating, etc. I find out he's a survivor. It took me months to get over our eventual breakup.

Fast forward 1 year. I meet another good looking, outgoing, charming guy. I'm instantly attracted to his charisma. We begin to casually date. Within 2 months, he's pushing and pulling at me. The polarity is enormous. He's sweet and funny one day then the next day he becomes instantly dark, depressed, controlling, distancing. I'm a very strong woman who can hold my own. There's a lot of power struggle, game playing. I can't handle it any more. I want to end it, but I'm so drawn to him especially now that I know he's a survivor. I feel like I have to be the stronger one and hold on. I undersatnd this part of me is the codependent side of me acting out.

However I never set out to meet and date a survivor. But this is the third time that I've dated and fallen for a survivor, not knowing that they have been abused as children. Can someone explain this phenomenon? Is it just a coincidence or have others experienced this similar situation?

#313031 - 12/05/09 11:06 AM Re: Why do I keep getting involved with survivors?? [Re: Zooey]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069

I feel you're looking for thoughts from other family and friends, but as a happily married survivor I'd point out that while it can be difficult with us when the bad times hit, particularly before we've dealt with our issues, we do possess some damn swell qualities as a group. How many so called normal men, i.e. un abused, do you see being this compassionate on a regular basis? Just as one example of many. For further thoughts, check out this thread:

I wish you all the best with your current boyfriend. I hope you can encourage him to check out the site. He most likely feels alone and like a freak...I can't say the second one of those will change, but he'll definitely know he's not alone.


the family
the perp

#313199 - 12/06/09 08:35 PM Re: Why do I keep getting involved with survivors?? [Re: Zooey]

Registered: 11/30/09
Posts: 30
Loc: Tennessee

As odd as it may sound, for survivors this is normal. It's similar to the disassociation found in female rape victims. We're both dealing with trauma, hurt, pain and trying to heal. Ask yourself is you were in this situation would you want some understanding and compassion from your partner?

We went through a traumatic life changing experience, often at the very hands of those we considered loved ones. Family, friends etc. And yes the highs and lows can cause strain in any relationship. It all comes down to how strong you are willing to be for him and yourself.

In my case, my Karen is also a survivor at the hands of her boyfriend. She was not only raped...but stabbed 18 times and left for dead. She often has episodes of sheer anger towards me just because I'm male! I've never done a thing to hurt her but she's still dealing with alot of hurt. And I sometimes get moody and depressed and distant with her. But we work through these times together.

Karen and I met online...we told each other about our abuses before we ever went on our first date...we've been together ever since! I still tell people "We're still on our first date!" and we're going on 6 years together!

Edited by MADcHATTER (12/06/09 08:37 PM)
“Religion is for people who are afraid of going to Hell...Spirituality is for those of us who've already been there”

#314583 - 12/15/09 05:52 PM Re: Why do I keep getting involved with survivors?? [Re: Zooey]
roxanne Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/22/08
Posts: 16
I don't know that there has to be a dark reason "why", as in, is there something wrong with me????

My husband was also charming, funny, interesting, and very romantic when we were dating. What woman wouldn't fall for that?

However, remember the numbers: one man in 5 sexually abused - that's pretty high odds.

On my more cynical days (today happens to not be one, but I'll mention it anyway), it seems that the CSA survivor is more highly skilled than those without a CSA past at working it, being the charming guy, pulling out all the stops to win someone over. In my husband's case, he's susceptible to what I call 'crushes", a new person at work or a new trainer at the gym or a new cashier at the grocery store is the most amazing person he's ever met and he's incredibly charming to them. It quickly fades when they are no longer new, it's then that the dark side comes out, or he simply drops them, which is incredibly hurtful to them.

Identifying this pattern has been useful to my husband, and he's still struggling with resolving it, seeing people as they really are, not as the flavour of the month.

Don't blame yourself.

#314593 - 12/15/09 06:32 PM Re: Why do I keep getting involved with survivors?? [Re: roxanne]
wes-b Offline

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

:-) thx for this thread.


I truly appreciate the "crushes" reference... that rang soo true to me... In my experienced I have been one to obsess and drop obsessions; people, ideas, things, projects etc... as I thought about this post I connected it to my trying to please and be acceptable to my parents... I would keep trying and nothing worked :-(

Zooey my sister... thx, my feeling is that we find our partners naturally as they trigger our pain points and activate our joys points. I feel that way about my wife now, before I was resentful a lot, in pre healing/recovery; in reality I was manipulative and decietful for ages... Once I became concious of this, real healing began in myself and in our relationship.

Hugs, Wes

Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

#314594 - 12/15/09 06:32 PM Re: Why do I keep getting involved with survivors?? [Re: roxanne]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I experience this too in both the men and women in my life. I know more male and female survivors than at any time in my life.

This is life......

I try to enjoy what I have been given.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option


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