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#31274 - 06/27/04 05:24 AM Abandonment issues?
al Offline
Member

Registered: 01/08/03
Posts: 143
Loc: canada
I would think we as sa survivors would be more afraid of committment than abandonment, but i've been feeling lately that everyone's abandoning me. This in turn makes me feel like i'm worthless, undeserving and hopeless. Anybody else have this problem????????

_________________________
Those who dance appear insane to those who cannot hear the music. Mark Kleiman

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

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#31275 - 06/27/04 05:54 AM Re: Abandonment issues?
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
I frequently feel abandoned. If my Holley doesn't call me for a while, I think, "It's over. She doesn't want me. My life is over!" But it all goes away when I see her name on my caller ID.
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#31277 - 06/27/04 10:22 AM Re: Abandonment issues?
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
al,

Well brother I had abandonment issues before my rape ever happened. Those issues coupled with the sa and bingo. I'm screwed. Before the rape I I always tried to take the higher route though, I'd say is that woman good enough for me. Hence, three relationships that lasted for a short time. I'd pick and pick at whatever her faults were. I was looking for a way to push her away before she pushed me away.

Now with the rape in the picture, my mind changed. I started to think, am I good enough for any woman at all. Every woman will leave me. What's the point pursuing a relationship? They'll see all my faults. I'll end up all alone again, but with a broken heart.

Quite different I guess, but it's something I'm working on.

Take it easy,
Fusion


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#31278 - 06/27/04 12:20 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Al

Yep me too. I often feel like that, most of the time if I'm honest.

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#31279 - 06/27/04 02:10 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
Dale English Offline
Newsletter Founder/Producer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 448
Loc: PA
Hi Al,

Yup...this issue will hit home for most if not all of us.

I remember some time ago hearing a speaker say something like "adults cannot be abandoned because they've learned how to take care of themselves". He went on to say that it must be the little one in us who actually has the abandonment feelings. Then he blew the doors off for me by saying, "So the only one who can actually abandon you is "you"! The adult me abandoning the little me...well that was like getting thrown into an ice cold shower. But as I thought about it I realized that the adult me has got to be the champion of the little me. I mean who else does he have to really count on? So, I need to be his parent, get to know his needs, get to know the difference between his cries, and focus on how to help this little guy get his needs met. That's my job as his adult. And if he gets his needs met, he probably won't feel abandoned anymore.

So bravo to you Al for feeling little al's cries and coming here to ask for feedback about what might be going on inside of you. That's the first step in taking good care of your little self who never should have had to feel like he had to make it all alone, all by himself.

This is a heavy thread and a good one. I hope we can keep it alive for a while.

Taz


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#31280 - 06/27/04 02:52 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Al,

This is a very good subject, and one that I think goes to the core of how a lot of us felt as children. For me, I felt that I was abandoned by those who were supposed to be caring for me. The physical abuse, emotional abuse, and sexual abuse confirmed that in my mind for me. Sure, they were there providing a roof over my head, so I guess I'm supposed to be "grateful" for that. I know in my marriage now of 16 years, I have that fear of abandonment still, even though I know my wife would never, ever leave me.

_________________________
Eddie

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#31281 - 06/27/04 09:51 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
al,

i have felt abandoned and lonely a whole lot. i also have not trusted and fear betrayal then often it becomes a self fullfilling prophecy and indeed happens.

currently, i am clinically depressed and the meds help some. my ex-girlfriend hurt me, betrayed me, and i set her up to be able to do that. by me withdrawing, not sharing with her my s.a., and that it was me, not her over the years that had some closeness and trust issues.

one thing i am struggling wiht but having to learn is to love myself, be able to be by myself, and not medicate myself with women or alcohol, or workaholism. very tough, it's like trying t learn to walk and talk again, as i did that for the years to block out or medicate my pain that i did so long (31 years of it). i do have a t and i see her weekly, she helps some but i am a bit numb of the process overall.

anyhow, i am with you and am here as our other brothers are.

take care, guy


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#31282 - 06/27/04 11:51 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Abandonment is a big issue of mine. Probably the biggest.

If my father hadn't abandoned me (and my siblings), would I have been abused? Don't know. Abandoned then abused. It's a tight link for me.

The abandonment by my ex-wife hurt me bad. Still does to this day. This has been hitting me hard these last few weeks.

Commitment doesn't scare me. Hell, I've been committed before. ;\) \:D

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#31283 - 06/28/04 01:44 AM Re: Abandonment issues?
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Abandonment, I feel it all the time. But I have a wonderful way to deal with it. I don't let anyone get close enough to leave me. There have been a few exceptions and those get to me. My wife of 24 years, whenever she is late, I worry that something has happened. An accident or something and she is never coming home. But of course, she is just late and she come home.

Last year, we almost divorced. She moved away and I was sure would never return. From June to Septmeber she lived a thousand miles away and made a new life in a new area. But she returned. The fear is still there for me that she will leave but I did learn last summer that being alone is not the same as being left. I was able to be happy and have a life.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#31284 - 06/28/04 01:40 PM Re: Abandonment issues?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Al I sent you an email. Have a look at it ok.

You will always be my little brother

((((((((((((((((((((AL))))))))))))))))))))))) ;\)

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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