I dont know how to write this so it is actually coming from me. I have tried to write in first person and it just makes me panicky. I have done a lot of creative writing, and if i write it as a story i think i can handle it. So i think i will have to write it as third person. If its a little less personal that way it wont freak me out so much. The boy named Jack is me that is my name, everything that haappens to him happened to me. I really hope this is ok, i just dont know how else to get it out. Please don't judge me too harshly, i really didnt know what to do when i was little.
It started when he was too little to have words to describe it. He didnt know what pedophilia was, he didnt know what sex was even. All he knew was that Daddy wanted him to put his mouth on his thing, that Daddy wanted to get in bed with him, that Daddy wanted him to be naked. All he knew was that Daddy wanted to put his fingers inside Jacks bottom and it hurt. He knew he wasnt supposed to make sounds or cry. He knew it was supposed to be a secret. He knew that Daddy just loved him and if he was a good boy he would tell Daddy it felt good when it didnt. He knew that his body belonged to his Dad not him. He knew that when Daddy was done he would cry and beg Jack not to tell and beg him not to hate him, he promised to stop he promised that this was the last time. But it was NEVER the last time, and Jack stopped believing what his Daddy said. He just obeyed and was a good boy and let it happen. All this, and Jack wasnt even old enough to go to school yet. He wasnt even old enough to read.
Whenn he started school Jack instantly knew he was different. The other boys would wrestle and joke with such ease, it couldnt be happewning to them. they would talk about sex with wonder, and their childish ideas about what sex was would have made Jack laugh if he wasnt so sick. It was an effort, but Jack knew that he had to be good and pretend to normal. Maybe if he tried hard enough no one would figure out how bad he was, what his body was making his Dad do.
For Jack knows now that what he does with his Dad is sex, and that it has always been his fault. Dad tells him every day that Jack is too pretty, too perfect and that he cant help himself. If Jack werent so beautiful Daddy would be able to stop. His Dad drinks, and comes to his bedroom to do things. After he is done he cries drunked slobbery tears as he kisses Jacks mouth, he begs Jack to make it stop, to stop being so seductive and so tempting and so sexy.
Jack tries to obey, but nothing works. He stops showering, he stops eating, he wears baggy clothes, he tries to be unappealing. But nothing works. Dad still wants him, still stares at him with an obvious erection as he does his chores. Jack wonders if Mom knows, but his mother doesnt talk to him much anymore so he isnt sure. She busies herself with his sisters, and no one talks to Jack anymore without Dad getting furious. His mother used to hug him, but now she doesnt even look at him. He wonders if she thinks he is bad for making Dad do those things. He doesnt know, cause she barely talks to him.
Dad changed his mind. Now he wants Jack to be sexy again, he takes him in the shower and scrubs him until it hurts, telling him that he needs to be clean to make up for being so dirty and making Dad do so many bad things. From then on Jack stays clean as possible, but he knows that the dirt is on the inside and it will never go away.
Jack thinks he was eight the first time the really bad stuff started happening. His Dad was so drunk he could barely stand up, but he still had an erection, and he still could do stuff to Jack. Jack doesnt remember much but the tearing and burning feeling. He remembers Dad whispering in his ear. "It's almost over baby im almost done, its almost over please please baby you feel so good. Please dont cry baby you feel so good Im almost done." Fifteen years later Jack can still remember his Dad whispering that over and over that first time. He doesnt remember crying but he remembers his Dad telling him not to cry. He doesnt really remember Dad being inside him that first time, but he remembers Dad telling him how good it felt.
He doesnt know why his Dad stopped being sad about the stuff they did together, or why it started making him so angry. He now starts the day by slapping Jack over the breakfast table for looking at him wrong or eating wrong, while Mom turns to the stove and his older sisters leave the room. Jack just wipes the blood off his face and hopes he can do better. The nights are getting worse and worse. Dad stopped crying, he stopped trying to be gentle. He whispers awful things in Jack's ear now. "Take it slut you know you want me, you want me to hurt you you stupid whore. You want me to rip you apart, don't fucking cry you little faggot." Jack tries so hard to do what Dad wants, but it seems that the only thing Dad wants is for sex to make Jack bleed. He is eleven now, and he never imagined that sex could hurt worse than it already did.
But it does. It just gets worse and worse. He is twelve the first time he has to miss school because he is so injured that Dad is worried he cant act normal. After his parents go to work Jack sits in the shower with the water running over him, watching the blood from his rectum and from the bite marks on his neck and thighs go down the drain and hoping tonight that Dad will be in a gentle mood.
At sixteen, Jack has become an expert at pretending. He pretends to love it when Dad fucks him, he pretends to love it when Dad puts bigger and bigger objects inside of him. He has learned to go away in his head, so when it hurts so much that he thinks he might cry he goes away. Dad figured out he was going away though, and beats him until he comes back before he finishes fucking Jack. He says that if Jack is going to make Dad do this stuff he better be there to enjoy it.
Jack discovered drugs at this age. They open up a whole new world for him. When he smokes pot he can relax a little, and even put his arm around a cute girl without feeling too disgusting. If he takes morphine before Dad fucks him, its easier to pretend and it doesnt hurt so bad. When he does cocaine he can talk to people without waiting for them to hit him, he feels like he actually has something valuable to say. Hallucinogens are the best. Acid and mushrooms mean he isnt in the world where Dad exists anymore, he is in a clean place where his body is no dirtier than anyone else's and touching people feels natural and safe. His first consensual sexual experience was on Ecstasy, and he didnt feel dirty about sleeping with that girl until he came down. He spent days feeling like dirt, wondering if she really wanted to be with him or if his evilness had corrupted her into thinking she wanted to. She called several times, but when he never called back she stopped calling. Now when he sees her at partied they pretend they never met. Dad found out through Jack's sister that Jack had been with a girl, and Jack still doesnt know how he lived through that night. He was told over and over while Dad was choking him and fucking him that he is too dirty to be with anyone. He will ruin anyone by letting them be touched by his evil filthy body, and Dad is the only one who will be able to stand his filth."You are mine, you are a filthy slut and you are only mine. Im the only one who will ever love you you stupid fucking dirty whore. You are mine."
Jack meets Angelica when he is seventeen. She doesnt allow him to keep his walls up. She doesnt allow him to do drugs when they are intimate, and at first Jack resists. She doesnt really want to, she is too pure to want to have sex with him. She laughs and calls him old fashioned, and kisses him gently but persists while he tries to push her away. She goes slowly with him, and she tells him she doesnt know why he is so scared but there is nothing wrong with them having sex. She says it is natural, that she wants it. She is vibrant, beautiful, lively and perfect and she says she loves Jack. She is the first person that Jack really feels safe being with and touching. She is the first person he enjoys touching.
Jack doesnt understand. He really doesnt. How can she really want him? Has he gotten so good at faking that she really can't tell how filthy he is? He wants to tell her everything, to chase her away and save her from him. He wants to tell her that they have to hide their relationship not because his parents are religious but because his father is jealous. He wants to tell her that the lips she is kissing are sucking his dads dick when he goes home at night. He wants to tell her when he is making love to her that he has to spend most of his energy not thinking about his father fucking him.
But he cant tell her that because he cannot lose her. Jack has never felt so tender and loving towards someone, he has never wanted to hold someone and be held until he met her. He cannot lose her he will go insane.
One night when they are eighteen Angelica confesses that her neighbor molested her when she was ten. Jack holds her while she sobs out her story, wanting to kill the man who did it. He is amazed, too, that someone so obviously good as Angelica could have something so bad done to her. Maybe sometimes men have sex with children who arent bad. In the back of his mind, for the first time, he wonders if maybe it wasnt his fault after all. Maybe Dad was wrong for blaming him for what they did together. Maybe Dad was wrong for doing it at all.
Jack runs away later that week. This new revelation made his fathers advances unbearable. He couldnt let himself be punished if it wasnt his fault. Also, he feared another few months of his Dads abuse would kill him. The beatings have gotten so bad that he cannot hide then from Angelica anymore, cannot pass them off as sports injuries and he prays that he has hidden the sex well enough. When she sees his bruises she cries and begs him to stay with her, to not go home again. "My mom loves you and she wants you to move in, we want you to be safe, Jack he is going to kill you and that is going to kill me." He leaves to be with her, but it is months before he can sleep without waking up thinking that Angelica in bed beside him is his father. She asks him one day what else had happened at him that he will not talk about. He wants to tell her but cant. He needs her to love him, and he is convinced that she will stop if she knew. He tells her she already knows everything, but he can tell that she does not believe her.
When Jack is twenty his daughter Olivia is born. He cannot change or bathe her. He cannot go into her room at night if she cries. He feels no urge to hurt her and has no sexual need for her, but he is so petrified that his fathers illness will infect him that he doesnt even hold the baby without Angelica present. Angelica tries to be understanding, but exhaustion soon causes her to demand he be a normal father. She leaves him to baby sit when Livvie is two months old. Jack cries so hard he throws up when he first changes her diaper, and it is twenty minutes before he can pick her up again. He holds his perfect baby to his chest, and for the first time realizes that he can never hurt her. This is a true father's love, and no one will ever hurt his baby.
He is okay until two years later when his son is born. Gabriel terrifies him. He can barely stand to look at the baby. Jack's brain just screams at him to get away, don't let your dirtiness hurt him. Angelica talks, begs, pleads, and finally screams trying to get him to interact with the baby, but he cannot do it. Finally, when Angelica tries to leave Gabriel with him to force him to take care of him, Jack cries in front of her for the first time ever. He begs her not to leave the baby with him, tells her that he cannot handle it, "please dont do this, I love him and I want him to be safe." Angelica sees his tears, and no longer forces him to interact with the baby. Jack eventually learns to play with his son, but he still, a year later, cannot be alone with him without a panic attack and calling Angelica to come home. She is fed up, his son is nervous around him, and he can no longer pretend to be normal.