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#31207 - 06/27/04 02:00 AM Relationship with my perp
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1574
Loc: New Jersey
I know what your all saying, why would I ever want to have a relationship with my perp. Well its a little different because he is my brother. He has a good relationship with my mother and step father. And we have a good relationship as well (ok sorta). I still live with my mother and stepfather so when he comes over, or they go out to dinner I follow.

Anyway, I guess my thing is that when I'm around him I get wierd and depressed. Thinking about this is the person who abused me and that he is my brother. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out.

This happened tonight when I went to dinner with my mom, stepdad, and my brother and his family. Just kinda felt wierd and somewhat depressed.

Anyway, don't really know what to do, if I confront him will this go away? Anybody have a similar situation?

"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#31208 - 06/27/04 02:44 AM Re: Relationship with my perp
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907

This one really hits home with me. My eigth grade teacher pursued my way into my adult life and marriage. The last time that he contacted me I was 30 and I was literally falling off the edge of the earth in depression.
Now, that I've confronted all of this s--t, and Ranata and I have gone around and around, she says, "Is this Mr. H, is that where all of this rage comes from." So, yes, he is still, "here," even though I informed his son and grandsons of what he did to me.
I would follow a most well thought out plan of disclosure and confrontation, with the preparation of a reliable therapist. Especially, since you are in your parents home. You could even be concerned about any nieces or nephews, so any confronting would want to be in everyone's best interest.
You have been a strong individual to be there living through those times over and over again.
There is an excellent article in our articles section about just what you are contemplating, read it for direction.

And, good luck, this is not easy, gather some allies about you as you prepare to do any confronting.

Brother David

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#31209 - 06/27/04 06:33 AM Re: Relationship with my perp
Sean Simms Offline

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Seattle
Yes, I agree, you need to confront him with the help of a therapist and people who can support you. The family needs to know.

I confronted my family about the abuse (of my mother and grandfather) and although some of them still deny it, others have admitted that it took place and I feel more at ease about it, although I am still not healed from it.

I wish you luck,

Sean Simms

"When you are Real you can't be ugly. People who think you are ugly just don't understand."
-the Velveteen Rabbit

#31210 - 06/27/04 06:56 AM Re: Relationship with my perp
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
If you have a t maybe see if he will go to a session with you. Or maybe have the t met you at your place. I think it would be good to have a 3rd party there to help both of you when you do this. I'm sure the t's here would have some advice on the best way to aproch this. I think it's great of you to still want to heal the bonds you have and heal the family unit. Just please keep in mind, that it is not your job to fix this. You didnt break it. With that said I am going to leave you with a great big GOOD LUCK!


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#31211 - 07/01/04 11:19 AM Re: Relationship with my perp
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I can not really relate to it. My father abused me lot, but I have not seen him since I am 10 years age, and do not want to. My main perpetrator was my sport coach, and I moved to another country to be away of him. So I can not imagine how hard it must be to have a relationship with him. I hope that you will act with the advice you get here, and feel better of it. Good luck.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#31212 - 07/01/04 12:47 PM Re: Relationship with my perp
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

This is a very brave thing you are doing, and I applaud your courage.

By all means, have some support lined up. I simply disclosed to my parents about the guy that raped me when I was 16, and the backlash in my head was terrible for weeks. Talk with your T, plan what you will say, know what you want.

Are you hoping for an apology? Do you want the family to know what he did? Are you acting to protect his family? Your own reasons have to be good enough to you, that's all. You are the one taking the action.

It sounds to me like you're unsure whether this will be disclosure or confrontation. Ken has an article here on the site about planning a disclosure or a confrontation. I would study it and go over it in planning during one or more sessions in T. Most importantly, I think you should know what you want to get from this, and be willing to accept whatever you do get. I thought I knew what I wanted; I had given no thought to what I would likely get; I came to wish I had planned more carefully.

The article is Disclosure and Confrontation: Considerations for Survivors by Ken Singer, LCSW .

Again, you are a very strong person to do this.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse


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