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#311348 - 11/22/09 04:22 AM Feeling lost and alone, sigh"triggers"
Barbi Offline

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
I joined this forum in the hope I could meet someone who had an experience close to mine. I just don't want to feel like I am the only human in the world who experienced what I did as a child.

I have read post after post here and to be honest I just can't relate to most as being that bad. I feel like an exile even here among people I thought could relate.

I am transgendered and that makes me unusual here. I am a shemale fetish porn star and that adds a second layer of being weird.

I can't even touch on what my mother did here with out an alarm screaming "TRIGGER"! "Warning Warning Will Robertson" Barbi is damaged goods.

I have to wonder if I am the only person alive who had a mother who dressed me up as litle Bo Peep in satin, tied me down on a bondage bed and gave urine enemas while my mouth was stuffed full of her cigarette butts. That's one of the milder scenes she played out with me when I was five years old.

I remember her having sex with me on satin sheets in matching pink satin party dresses when I was seven. She would make me stand in front of her in a satin party dress and swisha dn swirl while I would sing the sissy song.

#311349 - 11/22/09 04:40 AM Re: Feeling lost and alone, sigh"triggers" [Re: Barbi]
Barbi Offline

Registered: 11/03/09
Posts: 12
Loc: Pennsylvania
I hit enter before I meant to.

The sissy song was.

I am a princess a sissy satin princess, Mommies dainty princess. I love my mommy my pretty satin mommy, I am a dolly a prissy satin dolly. Mommy owns my wee wee, my pretty satin wee wee.

When she came to me in black satin I had to kneel and pray.

“Black Satin Mommy, Full of Grace, you are my Goddess. Please punish me for my sins and transgressions. Show me the error of my ways. Please my Black Satin Mommy; Make me suffer on the cross of black satin to show my everlasting worship and devotion to my Goddess. I love you my Mommy, My Goddess who created me”.

The really screwed up thing is that I would sell my soul to the devil to be able to go back in time and be my mothers satin sex doll again

#311370 - 11/22/09 11:12 AM Re: Feeling lost and alone, sigh"triggers" [Re: Barbi]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi barbi,

no, when i first met you i didn't think that you would feel a lot of resonance and support here, simply because much of the population of malesurvivor are primarily married males. many do not know how to relate in healthy affirming ways to people who present themselves the way that you do.

but you are not alone. even though i have no desire to change my body physically, i too feel myself to be transgendered in the sense that i am beyond the male/female gender polarity/paradigm.

i am glad to see you have made this post. doing so helps put a face on the 'T' and the 'Q' of our community. as i said we have very few of us here, and we could use a lot more support than we get at times, but i hope you keep on talking about what's going on with you.

this post you made is the first thrust of a spade into the ground of your recovery. keep going barbi. keep telling and showing us who you are.

also, you may not realize that we have a GBTQ healing circle on sunday nights in the chatroom from 9pm til 11pm EST. you will get a lot more support from our segment by participating in that.

((((( barbi )))))


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#311420 - 11/22/09 09:13 PM Re: Feeling lost and alone, sigh"triggers" [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
(((((Barbi))))) Safe hug and hope it is ok.

Your not alone here although as Ron states you might be only one of two who Identify as being transgendered and the only one brave enough as a shemale to come forward and speak your truth.

I am a gay male who has been out for 21 years. I was once married. I am a smaller portion if NOT the only one here who has had specific things happen to me as well.

It has been a challenge of mine to not compare my abuse to others. We all have some of the same core issues - lack of trust, feeling invisible, feeling terribly alone, etc.

YOUR IN great company here though.

Yes, join us in HC=healing circle.

Look forward to getting to know you,

Dont let your uniqueness be a barrier to us getting to know you. If we are unable to let our guard down it is our issue and NOT yours.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#311465 - 11/23/09 05:09 AM Re: Feeling lost and alone, sigh"triggers" [Re: DJsport]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, Barbi,

Let this Gay guy, welcome you.

We offer compassion, understanding and love.

Here i am HOME, and i welcome your company.

I just came from that GBTQ healing circle, great people there, nobody will judge anyone else.

Welcome home.

Little Pete & big Pete..but 1 (Irishmoose).

Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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