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#308549 - 10/29/09 10:30 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: UKJames]
Mike1968 Offline

Registered: 09/14/09
Posts: 117
Loc: California
Originally Posted By: UKJames
Hi friends,
my 1st post so be gentle!

I was abused from 4-10 by my father and another man. It was always violent (requiring several surgeries).

From ages 10-18 I only slept with other men, 18-24 female prostitutes, 24-30 I got married (and stayed faithful) and now I'm divorced and in a relationship with a wonderful woman.

My questions are all about sex. I have no idea what's normal. It is almost impossible for me to be present during sex. I always feel like dying after I come (alone or with someone else), I almost always close my eyes and pretend I'm with someone else, or indulge in fantasies of abuse and inflicting pain whilst having sex. I have enormous fear of kissing, her breathing on me, bodily fluids (hers and mine) etc.

She wants me to be present, and often will ask me to look at her during sex - nothing is a bigger turn off for me. At the same time, I desperately want to be able to do it. I don't want to always feel that sex is secretive, wrong, to be hidden from and to be invisible during the act.

I have some questions, like can I catch any diseases from kissing or oral sex (I know she hasn't got any STDs)? Can i catch anything from her breathing over my mouth? Is there anything I can do to avoid the overwhelming shame that comes with ejaculation? Is it normal to only want sex once a week or so and to never want to masturbate?

Sorry if this sounds confusing and all over the place. I find the subject so overwhelming and confusing. Is it unhealthy to want to avoid intimacy during sex? To feel that she's stained/contaminated just because she's had other sexual partners (none abusive, just normal, consensual sex)? And if I have sex with her does that make me an abuser? I know that last one sounds weird, esp as she's in her late 20's, but sex always seems like an abusive act to me.

Sometimes she'll give me oral sex and I don't know whether to thank her afterwards or not. Has she done me a huge favour? Is it normal to enjoy giving other people head?


Any response gratefully received...

James x

Hi James, nice to meet you. I will be gentle

To address some of your questions, if you can get rid of your television or limit your exposure to Hollywood and Media, it will probably help alleviate your fears about "what is normal". Folks who like to tell others what is normal are usually far from normal themselves. Their data is flawed anyway

We are all uniquely made, so normal doesn't exist. Thank Goodness

Regarding intimacy, my first inclination is you both appear at risk for STD's. Subtle signs appear as symptoms such as burning during urination which are often ignored. It is often free or inexpensive to get tested.

My wife and I dealt with those same fears you have many years ago when we first got together. She was raped. Ghosts lived in our bedroom and would pop up at the most inconvenient of times eek ok maybe that's not funny. But we didn't take it too seriously.
Unclothed I looked like her perp apparently. She only had one boyfriend before we dated so I suspect any man with pubic hair and a penis qualified to look like her perp, I didn't ask specifics. To make myself look different I shaved and still do. It feels much better and it's an easy way to obtain a somewhat safer looking appearance. I tied silly bows on my penis, drew faces on it. Made it talk. Genitals seem safer when not just viewed as a means for sexual pleasure.

We decided to touch each other without being intimate for a month.I let her do more of the touching but it was back and fourth. We started with just touching our heads and hair, then moving to face, then to neck then to chest, you get the idea. did it over again without clothes. Each day we would do just one phase, that's it. So it took a long time.

She seemed really happy that she could fondle me and I wouldn't get erect. Was seeming less fearful. Weaning her off slowly of the automatic fight or flight response was needed. Her belief that all men would become erect when touched needed clarification, it placed pressure on her. After about a month or so, she was begging me to go all the way. Torture was a tactic LOl by offering BJ's... stuff like that. I would joke saying "You are trying to torture me". It seemed like it gave her power and security to believe torturing me was possible, because that means she isn't the victim. She's deluded herself.

I promised to wait at least a month. And I did.

She needed to know when I have boundaries, to know they remain intact. What I say is what WILL happen. Never felt deprived really, it was kinda fun.

Until we made up this game, the ghosts would come frequently. Flashbacks every once in a while would cause an abrupt stop to intimacy but no biggie

My feeling is it may take you longer than a month. This is not just one event for you. Like you, she would become somber and sob after she came. This took a while longer to go pass but there was a marked increase as it occurred less and less. Making genitals seem like just another part of the body which they are, seemed to help. just like an ear except it feels good to touch. We had just turned 18 back then so I think our development was still in progress, probably easier to integrate new thought patterns
I suspect she may have came while being raped. She never told me back then and I am not sure that was something totally understandable to me at that age.

Whatever your fears are, it is fairly easy in my opinion to put them into context to decipher what would be needed to stop the fears It's just logic.

Whether it is successful or helpful, I don't know.

Regarding her and BJs, I would consider yourself very lucky. My suggestion is attempt to reciprocate somehow, do what feels safe to you. Just taking her arms/lets and gently tickling the insides for a while. Gleen what you can for this post, you will be in my thoughts.



#309003 - 11/02/09 01:42 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: Mike1968]
catfish86 Offline

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
I recently recovered memories of being kidnapped by an uncle and abused. My reaction emotionally was to go from being a horndog constantly after my wife to being suddenly unconcerned and in a couple of instances unable to get an erection despite extreme efforts by my wife. The only successful effort she had was when she hopped on "morning wood" and completed the act before I went soft. I also lost interest in MB which I had done 1-4 times a day without fail since that incident. I obsessed on stories of abuse and my wife walked in when I had something disturbing on the screen. I denied it but later on confessed what had been happening. I was ashamed that it had happened to me and I still apoligize for it.

We talked to a doctor about my lack of reaction and he immediately started looking at my medications and I then let on about the past. He talked me into the need for therapy (if you broke your leg you wouldn't choose to heal it yourself, you've been hurt and you need help, wife was there nodding). While therapy is scheduled, it hasn't begun.

One of the things that I was before able to recover was a little boy in a fetal position, alone, crying, afraid, who wanted to be held so bad. I had never been able to tell where that boy was and what had happened. I now know he was curled up on the floor of a pickup truck trying to crawl under the seat.

One morning I asked my wife to hold me and she did. She had accepted me and the fact that nothing would "happen". We both were undressed and she held me. We talked about the incident and other things. One of the things deflating me was how much the abuse had hurt and despite knowledge to the contrary, I felt I was assaulting her for my pleasure. After about two hours or so, I was surprised to find I was starting to get an erection. After about another hour, my wife and I made love. It was not the best orgasm I have ever had but it was the most intimate and satisfying sex I have ever had. The next day we cuddled for a long time again and it was quite satisfying.

Despite the pain and turmoil I am now experiencing, it may be worth it if I am truly able to make love to my wife. Another thing is that I have found so true the "footprints in the sand" poem that God has carried me for much of my life.

God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

#309005 - 11/02/09 02:21 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: catfish86]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
wow catfish! this sounds like some really powerful force is working on you. i give your wife a 'bravo!' for her willingness to show such patience and understanding. you guys sound like you have your feet set on the right path. thanks for sharing this good news with us.

all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#311110 - 11/20/09 12:40 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: Sans Logos]
Logan Offline

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
reading these posts were really helpful for me because I too feel that when I have sex, I am abusing my partner, even though I am not and am just doing what is expected of me to do, it still feels that way to me.

thanks for the post and welcome to MS


"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

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