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#310312 - 11/13/09 10:59 PM About my life and why I want to leave the country
lfp Offline

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
This is a long one, but will help if you read.

Thank you so very much for your time and support. Of course, I will keep posting.

This is another Friday, reminds me the Friday in which I posted “A sand clock effect”… it’s just the same. Right now I would like to talk about what I expect from life, and the reasons I have for wanting to leave this country. I talk to myself about this subject and always end up very angry and disoriented.

I was born in a secondary city of the country, near the Caribbean shore. My family barely had the basic to raise two children; it was very hard for my parents to give us study and all the stuff… From an early age I showed I was not like the common pattern of kids (and I’m not saying I was better than them, just different). I was always sitting down trying to analyze all my surroundings and started showing my strong interest for Science. Among my contemporary cousins I was the “cute” blond special one: of course I was not getting dirty or playing soccer on the street… I was reading an atlas of the world and wondering about all the people that lived in so many different places. The mistake here was, I guess, that I was wearing a very heavy crown and they tried to keep me there and ask me more and more keeping my social dimension apart.

I was not satisfied with the normal games: I used to build my own games and set my own rules and watch people play. Never played sports, I felt stupid running from one side to the other trying to touch a ball, I also felt threatened by the other boys. Instead, I used to draw maps of my backyard and go to Excel and process that geographical information or I planned the airport traffic of my own imaginary towns.

For xmas I asked for a bigger map book, a compass and a thermometer. I was utterly fascinated with the variations in temperature everywhere. While others played and were thinking about the girl over there, I was immersed in meteorology asking myself a thousand questions at a time about weather and the clouds. I would spend long hours sitting in front of the tv watching the weather channel.

I had another strong passion: New York. By the same little age, I used to go to power point and make slides about my plane landing on JFK, seeing the skyline on my window… I used to ask my aunt to bring me from NY the subway map... I used to crawl on the map on the floor, organizing imaginary trips from Manhattan to the Rockaways. I knew it all before even knowing how to get there.

Then… one afternoon my world, my life changed. The nice little boy left home with his cousin for an invitation to play a different game. You have no idea what happened, that bastard. He was doing drugs and injections… Had he had a disease I would be sick too or even AIDS… It was the first time in my life in which I felt weird, dirty, sad and threatened. My smile was gone and my mind was fucked up. I was in 2nd grade. I was so scared about telling my parents but the day came and full of shame, I told my mom (not with details) about what happened.

My father didn’t want an abused boy, so he said I did not deserve to be in his family anymore. I never felt my parents’ protection or understanding. Mom took me to a T and she said that being abused was nothing and that we should act like nothing ever happened.

My head was just not ok, was feeling very bad. Dad used to tell me that I was with him because I wanted his money (that he didn’t even have!). Since then I got used to be treated bad and just accumulate all my anger. If I didn’t want to eat , dad would sit me on the table and eat until I threw up… he would repeat so many times that no matter what I did, I wasn’t his ideal son and that I was gay because I was not fulfilling his expectations about dating girls and stuff. This was repeated day by day… I also experienced violence, I have been robbed, I know what having a gun on my back is like… and many other things

I used to live in a bad neighborhood and studied in a high profile school, so I was not only ashamed of my life but everything else. Some of the people in school treated me really bad and I just couldn’t develop normally because I was so ashamed of myself. I don’t remember feeling good during school…. However I graduated as the best student in my prom and got a scholarship for the most prominent University in the country, where the president’s son also studied.

Being aware of my love for Meteorology, I chose Environmental Engineering.
By this time I had accumulated so much shame, pain and anger… like beyond belief. I left home and started living “alone” with my parents’ financial aid. Never had a relationship, I started to be very scared of people till the point in which I was very angry at everybody. I just didn’t want to know about the rest of people and locked myself into study.

After a couple of years in engineering I decided to take a big risk. I made a big loan and took a plane to New York for the summer. I paid the money because I worked sooo hard, from 6am to 7pm, mon to fri. It was nice to land on JFK as my dream was, but the truth is that I felt bad in NY in a lot of times, in fact, one of the most depressive days of my life was there. I was so ashamed of my fucking life that I couldn’t even walk. I was not even able to walk out to the street, I just wanted to die or be hit so hard, as I thought I deserved.

I couldn’t handle depression so I had to find a way to get ambien, xanax or benzodiazepines. The other day I took a pill after a rush of caffeine and got like high, experienced a horrible episode of craziness in which I was walking in the streets without knowing where I was.

I came back to study and things are just worse. I cannot go out for long periods of time, my anger and shame is just unconceivable and the worst thing is that I can’t express it or get rid of it. I cannot cry either, no matter how hard I try. My family is just fucked up; I assume it’s just over. The current status is like: everyone must get away by themselves because there’s nothing else to do.

In my external life I am now the Cum Laude Environmental Engineer, doing some advanced research in Meteorology with a teacher only prominent students work with. I am also representative of the students in the University and known for assuring quality in our subjects…. In my inner life I am angry, ashamed, lost… study is not my life project anymore but my weapon of defense. I can’t be out in the street for more than three hours with people because I literally want to throw up. I still wear not only the ridiculous crown but a heavy mask which has just been my whole life. Life taught me to hide my feelings so deep that right now I can’t even express them… I’m actually having trouble writing this because I’m in fact not expressing anything, I’m just not capable….

The reason why I want to leave this country is to just get rid of my past. I don’t want to know anything… I think I deserve to start a new life with a new language, a new place and new people. I am fed up of living here but options to get away are slim. More scholarships require people to come back to the country which would be devastating to me. I am so lost and so disappointed right now. The more academic achievements I get, the worse I feel. My emotional horizon is null because I literally don’t feel anything, or the impulse to be with other people.

This Friday, some friends are having “fun”, I just wrote this I don’t know why. Probably tonight I’ll read something to hide my feelings more and more. Shit, I’m tired of my life…

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

#310349 - 11/14/09 06:55 AM Re: About my life and why I want to leave the coun [Re: lfp]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
hey lfp ..

we've talked a few times n i think u're a great guy. i'm sorry about all the crap that happened to you.. if u wanna start over somewhere else maybe it's the best thing to do, sometimes i wanna do it too

idk how hard is for u to move away but i hope u can do it.

i'm not sure moving away makes it all better tho... or maybe it helps a lot, who knows..

Edited by Daniel_forgotten (11/14/09 09:54 PM)

#310364 - 11/14/09 03:21 PM Re: About my life and why I want to leave the country [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, lfp.

We have chatted in chat. I agree with Daniel your a great guy.

I know it is tough to believe it in ourselves about being a great guy.

I am glad to get to know you.

I moved some distance from the "family". I couldn't live to far away though.

I have found a great peace, fun and love in my life.

I support in any decision you make for yourself.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#310399 - 11/14/09 09:54 PM Re: About my life and why I want to leave the country [Re: DJsport]
lfp Offline

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 122
Thank you very much for reading such a long post. I just can't find a balance... and starting again is a complex issue.

I need some orientation, I feel lost... :S

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
The Round Table, Mondays 7:30pm CST.

#310436 - 11/15/09 03:34 AM Re: About my life and why I want to leave the coun [Re: lfp]
wil86 Offline

Registered: 09/06/08
Posts: 9
Loc: canada
I feel you, I came from a f**ked up family too. I live with my mom, and I'm happy that my bio-dad didn't want me to live with him. After the way he raised my brother to screw him up (he has OCD now) and take no responsibility he deserves everything he's getting right now.

When I look back way before I registered here, I had similar problems of not expressing myself and when I think about the CSA I would feel guilt, shame, and it would even give me a stiffy.

I've seen a handful of psychologists and the one that I'm seeing right now was the first time I ever told him about the CSA. Actually, the first time I ever told anyone was when I registered here, was that ever a relief!

Don't be afraid to express yourself here, we don't judge. But my advice to you would be to find a good counsellor or psychologist and just plow through it for some years. It'll cost you a lot of money, but think what kinda person you will become... In the end it'll all be worth it.

If it makes you feel better, think about what these abusers are going through because seriously, if a child molester goes around molesting kids do you think he'll be able to have a happy family? even in prison these guys are at the bottom of the barrel.

Edited by wil86 (11/15/09 03:36 AM)
take it one day at a time

#310462 - 11/15/09 10:07 AM Re: About my life and why I want to leave the coun [Re: wil86]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
Hey Luis,

I can only say, if you want to move out of your country, take it one step at a time. I'm pretty sure that you know the steps to take if you wish to move. We are here when you need us (I will be at least) and can talk with you. I wish you well, in general.



"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche


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