you know its been a hellbinding road all the way up to coming to this place where i see so much of the things inside me to be so common due to the effects of abuse.
and for the first time in my life im going to share the abuse.
growing up i was a normal kid, full of life ,happiness and dreams, my mom and dad had a weak relationship but did the best they could, my father came froma home were the standard was to get beaten up for bad behavior, so thats all he knew to transfer to his children instead of a loving voice. my mom worked hard to keep an economic grwoth to our home and so was forced to leave me at relatives homes, i remember that one of my cousins used to have this huge toy plane collection which i would stare at and would alwayss want one, that motherfucker used the excuse of me giving him oral sex over him giving me the toy plane.
damn in that moment i was just a kid and didnt know what the hell was happening even in that moment i didnt see at as something bad as i had no idea of sexuality whatsoever.
years went by and i grew up still dealing with beatings from my dad, and the fact that i had to keep a certain appearance due to our economic status.
i went through highschool unfazed, did everything so well , got along wioth everybody, was kind and gentle to all. always was the model boy for behavior.
its funny all that time myt brain blocked out that memory, i never knew what happened. my brain gave itself amnesia. i grew up had girlfriends , lost my virginty
truly in love with a really special girl, and even then no thoughts of abuse came back to me. its like i was normal.a poster boy.
but still somehow i dont know why images of people on the streets
or children suffering would always bring me to tears.the years went on and i fell into a depression, out of the blue for no apparent reason. i started using marihuana as some kind of release
and then all of a sudden a wave of images and the recollection of the abuse came hurdling down. My life literally changed upside down, suddenly i felt massive depression, i never slept
, smoked even more Marihuana,considered myself in massive shame,i felt broken useless, and like i was dying, bone crushing pain would be the word id use.
i felt like i myself had to question everything i did, i saw how my life had been molded by abuse. how i poised myself as always being good to never be bad. to never be what people had done to me.
yet now im 25 and its been around 6 months since pandoras box opened, and i feel sick. i feel beaten at days. i feel damaged. its hard to tackle with issues that i wish i would never have to deal with.
but yet i see all of you dealing with the same, not giving up. and that gives me hope. ive had to question my sexuality, myself. sometimes i feel like im evil and ill end up becoming my fears and what i hate,
and like reality is passing and not constant. But you know what? today i dont feel that way. specially after sharing this with other survivors. and i doubt that those feelings will increase or be constant
because even though it takes every inch of me to do even the slightest task somedays . I WONT GIVE UP. im living my life and shall live life every day as a constant badge and reminder that the human soul
and the human condition is unbreakable no matter the circumstances. i know i need to give myself a lot of love and nurturing as this process of recovery develops.
but in someway just sharing this is giving for myself. because i need to know and repeat everyday that i havent done anything wrong.
that i shouldnt be ashamed but proud of my life. that im not evil. that i wont perpetuate the cycle of abuse. that ive a man, a loving , caring consciouss man, i cry and weap as i write this last line because
i guess personal guilt is sometimes the hardest thing to get rid off. to realize that we are good people who were cheated.
Hold strong my brothers in the faith that other hold strong as we try to live and enjoy all that is worth living for.
thank you for taking the time to acknowledge my story to everyone who reads it,
love and blessings to all of you.
"Survivors need an opportunity to define their own sexuality in their own terms, rather than in reaction to the abuse, so that they stop allowing their offenders to have power over them sexually."