Well, I've got two t's. Well not really two t's, but one t is for just me and the other counsels my wife and I about our marriage problems. Well, surprise, surprise, my SA is a part of our marriage problems.
Anyway, the t who is just for me believes every memory I've ever had about my SA and thinks that I probably should go somewhere as an in-patient to just concentrate on it and get through it. Yeah, like that's going to happen at at least $35,000 a month.
The other t doesn't say "no", but you can tell she thinks a lot of my memories are way strange and out of the park as far as being possible goes. I think she is a very good t. She just says things like, "Well, people don't really have memories under two years old." and stuff like that. She keeps me in reality, so to speak. She never says nope, not possible, but she never says, yes I believe you either.
My wife is in the second category. She grew up with me and knew my family. She doesn't really doubt me, but has a hard time imagining my dad doing the things my memories (repressed) tell me he did.
My emotions tell me that I was SA. It's kind of the looks like a duck and walks like a duck thing. I'm pretty sure I'm a duck. Just what exactly caused all of it is up for negotiation, but something definitely happened.
I've had flashbacks...It's like it is happening in the present, and they are very real.
So, here I am experiencing all of the pain and anguish of SA, and all the time thinking, "But what if this never happened...what the hell is this all about? What kind of freak must I be if I made all this up in my mind? What am I doing to my father's memory if it didn't happen?"
So, I don't discuss it with anyone who ever knew my father....including my family. I won't ruin his memory if I'm not completely sure he molested me.
It's driving me crazy (not a long drive). My wife wants to know when I think I might start healing? I think I could start if I just knew for sure, and there's no possible way to know for sure. But I know in my mind. My mind knows.
If someone besides me suggests that maybe I wasn't SA, something inside me gets very angry and would argue the point. Something inside me is very sure that all of it happened.
I need the video. It plays in my mind often enough, but I need to see it for sure. And some of it is so strange. It could have happened, but, to me? Could something that strange have happened to me....little me from the hills of Appalachia...the little town full of churches and only good people?
Sometimes I decide just to bury it....put it all away and go on with my life. It was okay for 55 years when I didn't know...except that I was depressed for 55 years. But I can't. I can't just say it didn't happen and everything's okay and go on. Something inside won't let me do that.
But something else tells me that I have just invented it all because I need pity for some reason...I'm weird and needy and.....
So here I am...don't know whether to treat myself as an SA survivor and get on with the healing or slap myself up the side of the head for being such a loser.
I hate this. It bites.
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.