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#307935 - 10/25/09 10:38 AM Returning fears
LilacLouie Offline

Registered: 07/02/09
Posts: 398
Loc: Utah
I have been having a rough time lately. I am now in a position where I can buy real estate. A home. Hopefully a few acres with it. Except now I am having memories of what I have been through in the past. By far THE worst, was on acreage I owned.

It was fall of 1988, "combo season" which means deer and elk both are legal to be hunted. I had around 6-7 acres, and I had plans on building a home there. After a series of "unfortunate events" I ended up living off of my land, elsewhere. I was still trying to build on it. I went by there one day, and I found the gate had been bashed by a vehicle, and the lock cut. I drove up the hill to where I was planning on building my home, and I found a full-size truck with travel trailer, and a small pickup parked there, and all of them have Texas plates. What the hell?

So I drove up next to it, and I saw someone moving the curtains, looking out. I walked to the door and banged on it. Door opens up and these two men step out and a woman stays in the door way. These two men have guns. The younger one (too old to be a son, I think) rifle and the older one has a revolver. They threaten me out right- get the hell off that land or they'll shoot me. What the fuck?!?!?!?! That's MY land! I OWN IT! But, they had guns and I didn't. So I left.

I went to the place next door, actually more like 200 meters away and across the road, and no one's home. So I go the next ranch, where I knew the rancher. I told him what happened. He said "me and my boy'll come up there and help you, if you want." This guy wasn't kidding. He also owned the land next to mine on two sides. There's three of them damn Texans, and I know his boys are good boys, and damn good shots. Well, I said no. Let's let the sheriff and his men do their jobs.

So I called 911 and reported it.

And a patrol car shows up an hour later, and one deputy. I tell him everything, told him I can verify ownership if he wants, and he left and went to talk to these men. A half hour later he comes back and tell me to leave those people alone. Leave them alone?!?!?! That's my goddamn land! So I tell him I can verify I own it, and he said that's not necessary. I said "Apparently it is! That's my land, and they kicked me off! AND THEY HAD GUNS!!!!!!" He said it didn't matter. Just leave them alone, they'll be gone in a few days.

So I said "Fuck you! I'm gonna remove them myself if you don't!" And then he told me something that bothered me ever since- Don't. Just leave them alone or you'll be arrested and charged with menacing and trespass.

My land. And people can come onto my land, threaten me with guns, and if I do anything, I'll be arrested.

Now flash forward to 2006. Man forces his way into my home demanding money. I am fearful for my safety and well being, and I draw a gun in self-defense. and not only do I get arrested, but I was convicted of....felony menacing. In essence threatening a man with a firearm. In my home. Threatening a man. Threatening a man that forced his way into my home to collect a debt he had no proof of (or so he said, me I thought he was planning on raping me, reflecting back on my experience).

Now tell me guys. Tell me that I DON'T have the right to be scared of owning some property.

I will. I have no right to feel that way, but I have no choice.


#307939 - 10/25/09 12:18 PM Re: Returning fears [Re: LilacLouie]
expom Offline

Registered: 01/07/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Australia
HI There Lilac Louie

Greetings from the land down under. Having lived in the UK for most of my life and for the last decade now, in Oz I can say that the absence of guns in the general population is a good thing (in my opinion). In that it reduces the occasions that your situation has to be faced - I understand the argument that the baddies will always get access to illegal fire arms and will be willing to use them if they think it is in their interests.

That's not really my point though. What is:

In my experience - knowing over 50 guys now who have had to endure sexual victimisation of some sort or other - one thing that is just about universal is that we feel a tremendous sense of injustice, especially when it relates to us. We also have a tendency to over react in the heat of the moment and often regret our reactions later.

I reckon you have done a fantastic job at not over reacting and taking up your neighbours offer of help.

The sense of further betrayal by those who are supposed to help us is profound - further adding to our sense of isolation and worthlessness.

But do you have a right to be scared of owning some property? Shyte NO! You have no right at all. The property didn't harm you - bad people did; again.

Do you have a right to be scared of bad people? Yes, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what you want to do. There's the title of a book that I try to live by but refuse to read "Feel the fear but do it any way".

And talking of fear; a survivor buddy of mine gave me a couple of useful acrostics for F E A R.

Forget Everything And Run
F$<% Everything And Retaliate
False Evidence Appearing Real

Occasionally I pull one or two of these into play when I am struggling to remind myself that "Pain is inevitable but misery is optional".

Hope that you are able to make the choices that you want to.


I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.


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