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#307878 - 10/24/09 08:04 PM It is hard to beleive...
Damien42 Offline


Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Australia
I find it very difficult to believe that my csa has had this long-term effect on me. I always thought that I had a was out - dissociation - and that I was not going to let it destroy me, my values, or that of all the other, non-offending members of my family. Yet, here I am know, age 32, no wife, no children, no girlfriend, no career, and really, not too many feeling to speak of. I shut down. I have managed, though, to start a business over the last couple of years. But, I'm just happy if it allows me to pay the rent on time. I don't feel that great about being a cleaner, as I know I'm capable of a lot more, but, I think - as much as it shits me - I've got to recalibrate my expectations to incorporate the impact of csa and incest on my ability to assert myself and know what I want to do etc. I feel like I've just been in survival mode most of my life, and, I am so sick of it!!!!!! I'm coming to realise that I don't really expect people to act toward me with any kind of integrity, though, I seem blind to the obvious integrity all around me every day. It is my problem I guess. Most people do not seek to use or exploit me, most people are not abusers... And, I am old enough to defend myself if they are. I think the trick is to become aware of my total lack of expectations, and realise that it is no-longer appropriate, as it was all so long ago, and I am in a different space now.
Can anyone relate to what I'm saying. Any ideas how to start thinking and feeling differently? I feel like I could be derailed at any time, though, that has never happened. Why do I feel this was?! IT IS NOT RATIONAL.


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#307901 - 10/25/09 01:26 AM Re: It is hard to beleive... [Re: Damien42]
takingflight Offline


Registered: 09/23/09
Posts: 32
Damien42,

I believe I understand much of your life. I took some different paths then you did, which might help in terms of my perspective of what you are dealing with.

I have spent most of my life since I was about 14 in that mode of "expect nothing, then you won't be disapointed". But of course I look for troubles, reasons not to trust. It is great survival behavior. But, its distancing too.

Keep talking,
TF

My best advice is to get help with excavating your earlier life and attitudes from it, and try and lighten up around others and trust more. You may run into some users, but, it isn't you that is the problem, it is them.

I do think parts of you want to be heard and understood, and that is what accounts for the nagging feelings.



Edited by takingflight (10/25/09 01:27 AM)

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#307927 - 10/25/09 07:34 AM Re: It is hard to beleive... [Re: takingflight]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
Hey Damien,

I fully understand what you are saying. Certainly this stuff has the ability to send our lives down paths we finally come to realize probably wasn't what we wanted or expect of things, but so much energy gets spent surviving the struggle that we don't realize we need to invest in other areas as well. I'm a few years older than you and have some of the same regrets about what my life doesn't have. But I am starting to try and let some of it go. My job situation has gotten better and certainly I have put in some good effort there. Still lacking in the relationship front and most likely won't have kids but might have been nice under other circumstances. But I truly don't know for sure what tomorrow may bring, I just need to get things straight for today. Easier said than done, but that is the theory at least. Be easy on yourself and keep working on the healing aspects and things can get better. Certainly it stinks to even have to deal with this stuff, but since that is the case it is worth doing so. Also, and I myself have a hard time accepting this, but when one door closes usually another opens. It just takes a little time but can happen. And yes, I am the type that often doesn't want to see that open door because I am so caught up and distraught over the door that has closed. But I think I am getting better in that regards as well.

Eric


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