this probably does not make sense to you, but it's what came out of me from reading your post. it would be nice if it held some meaning for you.
all the best,
It does make sense.. especially the empty room analogy.
Something I realized today is that I am used to thinking if a person is just a blank slate, that that person is gullible and easily mislead but I am not blank like someone who doesn't know what he believes because he hasn't considered things and is willing to let someone else tell him what's what.
I'm blank because I have considered popular world views and seen how easily deceived we humans are by appearance. So if I don't trust myself to know what's what, I'm not likely to trust anyone else to either. I may be a blank slate, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to let anyone else draw their views on me and convince me to follow them to Guiana.
That kind of helps me feel a little less lost. When I was first abused I was empty because I didn't know but thought others did. Now I'm empty because I know that no one knows. So it's actually a different kind of empty.
I just watched a special on tv about the branch davidians waco incident and it strikes me that the whole thing is an example of people being over-sure. Koresh was too sure that he had God's personal phone number and the government was too sure that the traditional strong arm tactics of dealing with the situation was the way to go and caught between the two forces of arrogance was was innocent children who ended up paying for that arrogance on both sides.
I suppose koresh's trusting adult followers were just as much victims, confused and mislead but at least they had a chance to learn to think for themselves.
Anyway, I think it helps a bit to realize that certitude and decisiveness are not the pillars of strength I once thought them to be.
Of course we have to make decisions but really it's the people who are uncertain enough to learn about what they are dealing with and consider all angles and options who really are making decisions. The people with certitude let their opinions and preconceptions make the decisions for them.
Maybe my attachment to having a therapist to advise me was something I needed to let go of along with everything else.