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#306868 - 10/18/09 01:43 AM lost
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
I just started with yet another new therapist since the one I had for just three visits is apparently too sick to work now and I feel horrible about not being able to know how she is doing. She could be terminally ill for all I know or have any way to find out.. confidentiality and all that.

I also feel horrible about the idea of explaining once again to yet another therapist what my ptsd is all about.. maybe only to get still another therapist before that explaining has a chance to do me any good.

I rescheduled my last visit because I just couldn't go through with it. I don't know any more if working with a therapist is really a good thing. I really don't know any more if I trust my value judgments about anything.

I feel like just quitting trying to recover. Maybe it will happen on it's own or maybe it wont and whether it does or doesn't, I feel like I am not wise enough to know if it's good or bad. Bad things seen in the larger picture often turn out to be good or vise versa.

Maybe I'll reach a point where I'll be comfortable not knowing the difference and maybe that will be some form of enlightenment, but for now I just feel lost.

I just feel like doing what I feel like doing since I don't know whats ultimately good or bad and right now I feel like quitting. But who knows what I'll feel like tomorrow.

Is it better to have a clear sense of what's good and bad, or is it better to not make such judgments?

Donno.



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#306894 - 10/18/09 10:17 AM Re: lost [Re: Jaifian]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
me neither doug. i'm sorry you're in this limbo state right now. i wish i had some answers for you ..... wishes are for fairy godmothers and that is not a very helpful sentiment. all i can say is i just started over with a T after several years without one. my last experience was a short term but very helpful; in it, peter helped me get past a major stumbling block in my recovery by having me relive the first experience of abuse with my older brother, but instead of yielding he had me imagine leaving the situation. that helped me reclaim a lot of my personal power, but it did not solve the issues that stemmed from being born and bred in an incestuous family system. several years later, i am now confronting that, and how it impacted my ability to magnetize healthy relationships into my life due to the patterns that were formed [or failed to form] in the parenthesis of my family matrix.

so, yes, i'm in a limbo place in a way, so i understand not seeing the next chapter. maybe that is because the ex-person ron who used to project outcomes has a different set of ideas by which to measure expectations. i am firm in the sense that i have established a moral value set that is healthy, and that i am comfortable with, and that is a good starting point. having that i know for sure will not lead me down the garden path.

my goals now are much different than they were in the past. in the past i was just trying to get back to the plus side of zero. on the plus side of zero i can begin to salvage a lot of the ex-ron's lost original purpose.

i am curious to find out exactly what that is, and it's very interesting to know that this time around i am not trying to force the picture. i am finding it much easier to simply rest in the limbic state of zero because something has changed in me over time, allowing me to feel that no-place is just as valid a place as any of the others i've been in, and it's no more or less home to me than having an imagined sense of certitude.

when you take down all the decorations and you find yourself standing in a stark naked room, it feels very odd. you want to hurry up and do something to perk it up and make it feel less uncomfortable. but i kinda like hearing and listening to what the emptiness of lack of accessory is speaking to me at this time. i'm hearing and seeing other possibilities i would not have considered before.

this probably does not make sense to you, but it's what came out of me from reading your post. it would be nice if it held some meaning for you.

all the best,

ron

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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#306912 - 10/18/09 04:10 PM Re: lost [Re: Sans Logos]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Doug,

Switching therapists is never easy. Even if it is your own choice. The thought of having to start all over with a new one can be quite intimidating and exhausting.

I just urge you to hang in there. Put one foot in front of the other, even when you don't want to. Stick with it and I promise you that one day you will look back on the road you travel and be amazed at just how far you've come.

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#307045 - 10/19/09 06:59 AM Re: lost [Re: Sans Logos]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Originally Posted By: Sans Logos


this probably does not make sense to you, but it's what came out of me from reading your post. it would be nice if it held some meaning for you.

all the best,

ron


It does make sense.. especially the empty room analogy.

Something I realized today is that I am used to thinking if a person is just a blank slate, that that person is gullible and easily mislead but I am not blank like someone who doesn't know what he believes because he hasn't considered things and is willing to let someone else tell him what's what.

I'm blank because I have considered popular world views and seen how easily deceived we humans are by appearance. So if I don't trust myself to know what's what, I'm not likely to trust anyone else to either. I may be a blank slate, but that doesn't mean I'm willing to let anyone else draw their views on me and convince me to follow them to Guiana.

That kind of helps me feel a little less lost. When I was first abused I was empty because I didn't know but thought others did. Now I'm empty because I know that no one knows. So it's actually a different kind of empty.

I just watched a special on tv about the branch davidians waco incident and it strikes me that the whole thing is an example of people being over-sure. Koresh was too sure that he had God's personal phone number and the government was too sure that the traditional strong arm tactics of dealing with the situation was the way to go and caught between the two forces of arrogance was was innocent children who ended up paying for that arrogance on both sides.

I suppose koresh's trusting adult followers were just as much victims, confused and mislead but at least they had a chance to learn to think for themselves.

Anyway, I think it helps a bit to realize that certitude and decisiveness are not the pillars of strength I once thought them to be.

Of course we have to make decisions but really it's the people who are uncertain enough to learn about what they are dealing with and consider all angles and options who really are making decisions. The people with certitude let their opinions and preconceptions make the decisions for them.

Maybe my attachment to having a therapist to advise me was something I needed to let go of along with everything else.



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#307054 - 10/19/09 07:42 AM Re: lost [Re: Jaifian]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
Loc: HULBERT OK
Unfortunately In the Veterans system . They burn out a lot or theropest . I would say that one year is about the averge
Betime you get comfortable they are gone

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#307078 - 10/19/09 11:22 AM Re: lost [Re: Jaifian]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Quote:
The people with certitude let their opinions and preconceptions make the decisions for them.


whoa!

and

Quote:
Maybe my attachment to having a therapist to advise me was something I needed to let go of along with everything else


double whoa!

right on doug! cool

ron

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC


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#307836 - 10/24/09 08:47 AM Re: lost [Re: Sans Logos]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
Thanks guys. Was separated from the puter for a while but just wanted to say thanks for the feedback.



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