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#307070 - 10/19/09 10:28 AM So many questions about sex - what's right?
UKJames Offline

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 2
Hi friends,
my 1st post so be gentle!

I was abused from 4-10 by my father and another man. It was always violent (requiring several surgeries).

From ages 10-18 I only slept with other men, 18-24 female prostitutes, 24-30 I got married (and stayed faithful) and now I'm divorced and in a relationship with a wonderful woman.

My questions are all about sex. I have no idea what's normal. It is almost impossible for me to be present during sex. I always feel like dying after I come (alone or with someone else), I almost always close my eyes and pretend I'm with someone else, or indulge in fantasies of abuse and inflicting pain whilst having sex. I have enormous fear of kissing, her breathing on me, bodily fluids (hers and mine) etc.

She wants me to be present, and often will ask me to look at her during sex - nothing is a bigger turn off for me. At the same time, I desperately want to be able to do it. I don't want to always feel that sex is secretive, wrong, to be hidden from and to be invisible during the act.

I have some questions, like can I catch any diseases from kissing or oral sex (I know she hasn't got any STDs)? Can i catch anything from her breathing over my mouth? Is there anything I can do to avoid the overwhelming shame that comes with ejaculation? Is it normal to only want sex once a week or so and to never want to masturbate?

Sorry if this sounds confusing and all over the place. I find the subject so overwhelming and confusing. Is it unhealthy to want to avoid intimacy during sex? To feel that she's stained/contaminated just because she's had other sexual partners (none abusive, just normal, consensual sex)? And if I have sex with her does that make me an abuser? I know that last one sounds weird, esp as she's in her late 20's, but sex always seems like an abusive act to me.

Sometimes she'll give me oral sex and I don't know whether to thank her afterwards or not. Has she done me a huge favour? Is it normal to enjoy giving other people head?


Any response gratefully received...

James x

#307071 - 10/19/09 10:42 AM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: UKJames]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi james,

Is it unhealthy to want to avoid intimacy during sex?

i can't imagine after what you've experienced that you would feel any differently than this.

i mean after all, you started having sneaky and abusive sexual experiences thrust upon you at age 4. how healthy was your actual initiation and training period for sexual activity? good gawd, you were a baby! healthy sex is a reciprocal activity between consenting adults. this is not the case for you for much of your early life. now as an older person, it seems plausible that you would simply carry over all the feelings that were created in your earliest experiences of being a little boy overpowered, sexually victimized and raped. life is never business as usual after that.

fear, shame, used and abused. the feelings that little james child felt and buried because they were too painful to allow; he was not developed enough as a human person to even know how to begin to process such things.

no it makes sense this confusion and anguish is being carried forward through your life from moment to moment.

are you in therapy? if i may, allow me to suggest doing that as soon as possible. you've got a lot of unpacking to do brother. sorry you went through all that, but i'm glad you found us.

all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#307073 - 10/19/09 10:53 AM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: Sans Logos]
UKJames Offline

Registered: 10/19/09
Posts: 2
Thanks so much for such a quick response. I'm in therapy and yet mostly it's been about staying alive and handling day to day basics. The unpacking hasn't really started yet and I'm not at all looking forward to it. I know it ain't going to just go away on its own but to start poking about in there... Jeez. Feel like it'll eat me alive.

#307115 - 10/19/09 05:38 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: UKJames]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

I am sorry that you have to be here and at the same time I am glad you founds MS.

Sometimes I think recovery is sometimes a rough road, but there are always gifts along the way.

I think of recovery like that of cleaning an infected wound. In the end I feel so much better, in the place that I am at...

...Have hope, my recovery brother it gets better...!!!

There are several good books to read on this subject and I started reading, "Courage to Heal" by Laura Davis (which is actually geared for women)...but there are several other books specifically suited for men.

...but only when you are ready.

Fight the Good Fight (Triumph)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#307124 - 10/19/09 06:27 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: UKJames]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: UKJames
I'm in therapy and yet mostly it's been about staying alive and handling day to day basics. The unpacking hasn't really started yet and I'm not at all looking forward to it. I know it ain't going to just go away on its own but to start poking about in there... Jeez. Feel like it'll eat me alive.


Welcome to MS James:

I believe our brother Ron is quite right in his response above. Too soon in your formative years you were taught to believe that sex was wrong, dirty, and associated with pain. In fact, with the right person, including just yourself, it can be quite the opposite.

Does your partner know of your past? If she were to know of your past, she and you, together can talk about what does, if anything, make you feel good. And the fact that you are already in T, well, that indicates to me that you have started the unpacking process. Part of that process includes not feeling shamed about who we are as men.

Like it or not, men ejaculate. When we do, its usually accompanied by feelings of immense wellness, peace, contentment, and release. Those endorphins really do rock the brain waves. You seem however, to be expressing great shame, and guilt that your body reactes sexually, up to and including ejaculation. It reacted when you were younger, and perhaps even more so when in adolescence. That is what a man's body is supposed to do. Even in abuse, our bodies react. It seems like the ultimate betrayal for as men we are taught to be in control, yet here is your body reacting in your youth to uninvited stimulation to the point it had to to react. This was not then, nor is it now, your fault.

Yet, here you are feeling this way, and through no fault of your own. You were taught to dislike sex for it was painful, scary, and not at all the wonderful experience it should have been for you. In time, and with a lot of work unpacking, I hope that this can change for you.

You asked about oral sex with your partner, not knowing if you should thank her for it. Is this something that you find enjoyable, receiving oral from her? If yes, then by all means thank her. And if it isn't enjoyable for you, perhaps you can tell her how it makes you feel. Communication between two people involved sexually is very important at the best of times, and especially so when a survivor is involved. Even the most basic behaviours of sex can trigger us, and force us to go places in our minds just to get through it, while realizing that our partners have sexual needs and desires as well. I used to have ghosts in the bedroom. Sometimes the ghost reappears, but not nearly as often as it used to. Working on remaining present together can reap enormous rewards. I wish you the best of luck.


My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#307249 - 10/20/09 08:26 AM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: Geeders]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hello UK James,

Since this is your first post, I just wanted to take this opportunity to welcome you to MS. Well, you may have asked your brothers here to be gentle as it was your first post, but you certainly jumped in with both feet...good on you!

I guess I don't have anything brilliant to add to what my friends here have already said except to ask the question, do you love her? You said you're with a wonderful woman...that doesn't necessarily mean you love her. You don't have to give me an answer but rather the answer is for you to know. If it's no, or not a full-throated yes, then that can sure play into all of the things you are asking about.

all the best and again, welcome!


the family
the perp

#307375 - 10/21/09 02:13 AM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: sono]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
Hi UK James.

I think I understand many of the feelings you express. What others have said seems to make lots of sense. I have work to do in this area myself so not sure if I have any insights to add. I will say though, welcome to MS and I wish you well on your healing.


#307395 - 10/21/09 03:05 AM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: ericc]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, UK James.

Welcome to MS.

Your not alone there guy. I agree with Ron and Jim - what experienced would lead to the fantasies your having and the feelings you have after you ejaculate.

I would offer - It is ok to have the fantasies your having. As long as no one is getting hurt including you the fantasies are ok.

It will take time and be gentle with yourself and take deep breaths.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#307463 - 10/21/09 05:15 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: DJsport]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
Hi James, welcome to MS, and i hope you find the help and support you want here. Good to see a new member from the UK!


#308527 - 10/29/09 04:29 PM Re: So many questions about sex - what's right? [Re: king tut]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 01/28/08
Posts: 2614
Loc: Central PA
And if I have sex with her does that make me an abuser?

That statement makes perfect sense to me. I've struggled with that for a LONG time. I've been married just about 10 years, and most of the time I waited for her to initiate (which was very rarely) and then I'd let her have total control, I was really just there. Although I wasn't really ever there, because like you, I kept my eyes closed. Keeping them open would make continuing impossible. I also fantisized and disconnected and was never mentally or emotionally present.

Based on personal expereience, I can tell you that in time it is possible to get to where things should have been. You're beginning this journey, and it's not easy, but it is WORTH it!!!! It's a fight, every step, and some days you'll want to give up, but keep going!

Only very recently have I reached a place where I can actually enjoy myself. Actually enjoy being close to my wife. We can actually TALK and keep my eyes OPEN and it's all good! It's wonderfully amazing!!!

YOU can get there too. You're questions makes sense with what you experienced. When you're ready to unpack all that, go for it. I can't say it won't hurt, but it'll be better for you in the long run. It'll take time, but you'll get there. Little by little, day by day!!

Glad you found the site, it'll be a lifeline if you let it! Helped me quite a bit!

Edited by JustScott (10/29/09 04:29 PM)

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