I often have to say to myself or to my partner, "I've never done this before". And cut myself some slack, which my partner also does with endless patience.
I think finding someone who can understand what you just explained to us is the key, rather than trying to reach an understanding of what relationships are 'normally' about. I've found with myself that knowing why a person does what they do sure takes away alot of the individualizing it "they're doing it just to piss me off". I'm just guessing Roger, but I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying.
Ignorance of the law isn't an excuse, but then we're not the law, and I think relationships need to be very flexible.
Just me Roger