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#306313 - 10/13/09 05:29 PM question about guilt
TGIK Offline

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011
how did others on here work through the fact that they were gay, had gay abusers, and still felt responsible? I am struggling with this. Like it was my fault. Does this affect everyone? Are we all struggling with guilt?

your experience would be helpful.


#306315 - 10/13/09 05:56 PM Re: question about guilt [Re: TGIK]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
My abuser is gay TGIK, though I'm hetero. I struggle with alot of guilt too. Its extremely difficult for me to hurt anyone like him.

Edited by Anonymous (10/13/09 06:02 PM)

#306322 - 10/13/09 06:50 PM Re: question about guilt [Re: TGIK]
Sans Logos Offline

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5796
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
my first perp was hetero. the rapist with the knife was hetero. the other rapists were just horny and i was an easy target.

i never felt guilt for being a victim because i needed the intimacy so desperately; but i did feel cultural and familial shame for being gay in the first place. i didn't know i was a victim until i discovered recovery in AA and started to make connections regarding my attempts at numbing my pain by using substances, and OCD processes to manage it.

i've spent my entire life untying that k/not.

all the best,


Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC

#306342 - 10/13/09 09:05 PM Re: question about guilt [Re: Sans Logos]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
I am gay - was married due to the shame/guilt of being gay - my abuser was a horny teenager when I was 6 and he was 15.

I craved the touch even though it is bad touch and for that I have shame because I kept going back.

To get through the shame I first need to recognize it and then I am getting help with it via a Therapist. I also have wonderful support here and lots of information to get help from.

I do feel less guilt as I come to terms with what I like and what is healthy.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#306356 - 10/13/09 10:52 PM Re: question about guilt [Re: TGIK]
myboyhoodfears Offline

Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457
my first abuser, my uncle, was adult heterosexual woman, who coerced and manipulated me into sex, not sure i can classify her as an abuser, though i look back and it had all the hallmarks,....the other adults who raped me were gay (the several times i was raped as an adult)...

i feel guilt for all of them, although i probably shouldn't feel so guilty for the first since i was only 6, an adult, i put myself in situations that led to the rapes, and i should have known better,...i feel like i asked for it, for being so desperate to be liked and loved, so i made some really poor choices....

and even when i did have legitimate consensual sex with someone, with the exception of a handful of times, it was really more about them "using" me, and rarely was any consideration given as to whether or not i was actually enjoying myself,...and more often than not i wasn't...i just went along with things hoping if i did what they wanted, they would like me....silly me.

Post Nubilia Pheobus

#306367 - 10/14/09 12:33 AM Re: question about guilt [Re: myboyhoodfears]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

For me, Ron hit it the head when he said shame. Because it was not like I did something wrong but that something was wrong with me for what happened to me at the hands of Mr Candell. He was a hetero pedahile whom preyed on young boys 9-12.
I no longer feel that overwhelming shame but it took alot of work and time to heal.
It is now my calling to speak out to others about what happened to me and that you can heal from it.


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#306370 - 10/14/09 01:10 AM Re: question about guilt [Re: michael banks]
J1 Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 138
Loc: Missouri
I am really new to sharing outside of the therapists office...but being in MS has been pretty sobering to me in the last five days. I was an incest victim, by both parents, later an uncle, and then a camp counselor...I wasn't especially frail..iust very young and unable to escape or protect myself. I began to wonder if i was something special to have this unique attention from these various abusers. Did I attract them? Who was supposed to protect me ?.....By age 16 I had my first loaded pistol and plotted to kill my dad..stage it as a burglary, etc. Some higher power kept me from the final step.

I tried to drown,drug,run from city to city, jump into horrible relationships and take every dangerous job I could, since danger and boundaries were foreign to me..I survived numerous violent ( occupational,personal ) encounters, and now I sit here in front of a laptop knowing I am a survivor, and am sober today. Thats really all I know today. If I only tell you can survive...I will be a better*.

#306380 - 10/14/09 02:06 AM Re: question about guilt [Re: michael banks]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington

I have problems making a connection, concerning the sexual orientation of my perp (my unckle) He was married to my aunt...and I am not sure exactly what that means or proves. The one thing for sure is, it did affect my sexual development and my sexual orientation (I'll have to get back to you on that one).

I am sure, of the fact that he liked molesting children, and feel I would have ended up in the same place, even if I had interior plumbing.

Initially, I had a lot of shame surrounding that fact that I might have been 7yrs old as apposed to 6yrs...when it all started happening. My dad was a rager...which is a perfect environment to make someone feel uncomfortable enough not to disclose. As time when on, I felt guilty that I didn't say anything sooner...On with the show (Motley Crew).

So to answer your question...Yes, I felt responsible. Yes, I have struggled with this. Yes, this affected me. Yes I have struggled with the guilt.

The fact remains, I felt powerless at the time to change it. If I think for one second, that I own one ounce of shame is circular nonsensical thinking. Sometimes I forget this fact (My ism = incredible short memory).

Thank you for the reminder (I mean this from the bottom of my heart).

Too late Too Appologize (Timberland)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#306425 - 10/14/09 01:40 PM Re: question about guilt [Re: 1islandboy]
TGIK Offline

Registered: 09/11/09
Posts: 72
Loc: NY,NY 10011

Thank you to each of you for sharing your own experiences with me. It really is comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggles with this. Reading many of your posts, now brings up additional questions about shame as well. I could see a little of me in each of your stories, so thank you.



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