Thanks guys for your input. I have wondered if it wasn't full-blown DID. But I also thought maybe he has just been too ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid of my reaction to be honest about the sites and things.
First I have to say that I don't know your husband and so I have made a remote diagnosis. I may be wrong. It happened once before.
DID involves being super-blind to one's own problems. This is often called amnesia. It is not dishonesty. He set up the system as a very little boy. It was set up to protect himself against stuff that was too terrifying for a little boy to face. If he faces it too rapidly it is too shocking (even for an adult) because his fear system is probably still intact.
The alter that you know is most likely to be unware of the others. If you try to break it to him too suddenly it can be an extreme shock and/or just rejected. A T has to help him little-by-little to gain insight as to what's going on.
Since he is already seeing a T he may have achieved some level of insight as to his own system, whatever it is.
DID is very different from one individual to another because each little person figures out how to do it all by themselves. (It is set up by the very small child to handle abuse that is overwhelming them). It is almost like setting up a play house with a lot of little characters in it. Except it is very much real. In a way it is a house of cards or like the Japanese houses with paper walls. The walls are very thin but very real and are maintained by the belief that they have to be there. They are called "alters" for alternate-personalities. Just for example, one alter will be the front-man or host or the guy who presents himself to the public. This is probably the guy you know. Then there will be one or more alters who deal with the sexual stuff. There is probably a high level of amnesia between that (or those) alters and the main front-man alter. The activities or those (presumed) alters are what you have described.
There are sometimes alters with different functions. Sometimes there is one who numbs out if there is danger of the system being exposed. Some DIDs have a policeman alter to protect the system (it depends on their situation: What did they need protection from if anything). Sometimes they have a bunch of child alters who like to play or do childish things. Sometimes they have names and functions all of which are unknown to the host alter. Sometimes there are incompletely-formed alters or fragments. That is the amnestic barrier maintaining them is incomplete.
Since the whole system is based on amnesia, it is in one sense fragile but in another it can be very difficult to deal with.
You're name is "PatchworkMama" but he is in a sense a real "Patchwork Papa".
I don't really know why any of this matters. Except that I would not like our four children to be exposed to any of the sites or people he might meet from the sites without an explanation. And since I am at work so much, I don't know what is happening when I'm not at home.
There's a lot about your situation that I don't know, such as the ages and genders of your children. Therefore I don't know the degree of danger to you or your children.
I would love to talk to anyone who knows anything about this or has experience with this. I am not allowed to talk to his therapist (it is a rule my H has laid down, he wants complete privacy with his therapist).
You really need to become educated about it. I have read several books. The one I recommend to you is: Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
, by Trach Alderman and Karen Marshall. New Harbinger Publications. It is not expensive.http://www.amazon.com/Amongst-Ourselves-...0428&sr=1-1
I have so many questions. Is this an alter or shame? Would the alter have a different moral compass than the husband I know?
As I said above, he probably has an alter or alters just for the sexual stuff. Too bad, but that's how it works. Yes, that alter works by have a diffenent attitude towards sexual stuff. It (or he) had to in order to deal with sexual abuse to which he was subjected as a small child.
Will I only see the alters at night?
There is a tendency for the alters to come out in the times when they were originally formed. So possibly yes, this may mean that they (or it) comes out at night. You might not even know that was happening unless you know what to look for.
This is how it worked with me. (I think). This is getting too long to say very much about me now. There are 2 other books which describe other types of DID. I have read both of these:Miss America By Day
, by Marilyn vanDerber. http://www.amazon.com/Miss-America-Day-B...0909&sr=1-1
I see this one is getting hard to obtain. Get it from the library or a used book store.
The other is Breaking Free
, by Herschel Walker. http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Diss...1026&sr=1-1
Both Marilyn vanDerber and Herschel Walker are kind of "super people". They live very much above average lives. This shows that DID is often a disorder of very much above average achievers. They are not
phantoms or anything.
When/if I come across these things again, should I make him aware of them?
NO. Be careful about this. Breaing the amnesia abruptly can cause trouble. Maybe there would be some way you could 'provide his T with information' while respecting his confidentiality.
How can I make sense of this? How can I break it down, so if my kids see an alter, they aren't scared?
Do some reading. Read some of our stories here at MS. Some of my story is here.
Alters your kids might have seen might not be scary at all. Maybe they have seen some child alters. They just think that 'Daddy is a lot of fun to play with'. There is no reason to believe that he would be at all dangerous to your children. If your children have seen alters, or if you have, you may just passed them off as being moodiness. Being DID doesn't make somebody dangerous.
How do I be the best support for my husband?
Good attitude to ask that question. Do some of the reading I recommended. Don't panic. Don't give up. Don't get angry. Make sure your own needs for people are being met. Do you have friends that you can pal around with and who can be fun for you to be with? Build your own support network. Keep on believeing in him. Be patient as he goes through his therapy. He must already have some idea he has problems. He is building into your relationship the "amnesia" that he has in his own life.
Let me know if you have more questions.