Mostly, on public, I try to be the supportive person, to share strength and not to take it. But today I have to let this go, and it's NOT honest to be the cheery one all the time.
More frigging nightmares last night. Mostly feeling helpless when I was raped and abused. And the little details of hating him during the time he had me tied up in his office. I wasn't able to scream for help because of the gag he knotted in my mouth or fight him off because of the things he tied my arms and legs with. How he tried to get me to go along with him by hitting on me when I was essentially his prisoner.
Mostly, being utterly horrified as he tried to smother me, feeling the damn pillow or whatever he was shoving down over my face. Hearing my own smothered, gagged screams, while he told me to not struggle. That he was sorry, that he LOVED me.
SAYING HE LOVED ME WHILE HE WAS MURDERING ME!
I hate this f**ker so much. So f**king much.
It passes, I know. It always does, but how he could do something like this to a child who depended on him. Who LOVED him.