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#303089 - 09/17/09 01:15 PM I had a date ...
pseudo Offline


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Wisconsin
... and I messed it up pretty badly. My T gave me the go ahead to give it a shot, so I signed up for a dating website, and hit it off pretty well with a woman I was reasonably attracted to (not like WOW, more of a plain Jane that I could learn to love over time). We began exchanging emails which quickly grew quite lengthy. One took me 3 hours to write.

So we met up after work on Monday. It was good to be with her. We had some good chit-chat. Then she asked me about something she had read on my blog, about my addiction. I said I'd tell her about it, but we'd need to go sit down somewhere. So we went to Barnes & Noble which was right across the street and I proceeded to waste 3 hours of my life (and hers) telling her the WHOLE story. CSA, addiction, attempted suicide, recovery, relapse, separation, divorce.

God, what a mistake. I became desperate for her affirmation and yesterday I inundated her with multiple emails and a text message with an overabundance of compliments. She said she wanted to take a step back and think about things .. she was pretty overwhelmed with everything I dumped on her, and now I was acting like a f-ing obsessed nutcase.

So now I feel like a complete idiot, and here's why:
* I thought I was okay enough to date & possibly handle rejection, but I was very wrong.
* I thought I was strong enough not to pursue a relationship out of desperation for validation and affirmation. I'm not.
* I thought I had self-control enough not to pursue something I didn't want to pursue (I had very mixed feelings about her). I don't.
* I thought I was being charming or nice, but I was being creepy.

Maybe it's another case of wondering what else is wrong with me that I don't know about. Or embarrassing myself in front of someone. Or fear that she's going to tell all her friends what a f-ed up weirdo I am (or worse, mention it on her profile like another weirdo ex-bf she had).

I want to crawl under a rock and never come out. frown

ps

_________________________
The sun has left the sky, now you can close your eyes, leave all the world behind until tomorrow.

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#303092 - 09/17/09 01:34 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: pseudo]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 928
PS, I admire your willingness to go on a date. You had the courage you tried. I am so sorry that it ended up with disastrous results. These things just seem to reinforce that we've got so much crap holding us back from achieving some sense of normalcy. It will be interesting to see how your T responds to this.

Please take care of yourself. Yeah, it hurts like hell frown Rejection is devastating for us. I sure know it is for me. Can you try to do something nice or special for yourself right now?

Mike

_________________________
My Story, Poetry and Other Stuff
WoR Alumnus, Kirkwood '08

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#303093 - 09/17/09 01:49 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: Barkabus]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 244
Loc: San Diego
PS,

I'm proud of you bud. You put yourself out there and took a step that some of us are not so willing to take. So you had a set back... Everybody does! Cold hard truth is, this probably won't be the last. Another truth is, nobody was born with great game. WHEN a lucky girl gets another chance with you, what are some of the things that you can do differently? You da man dood!
As Trish would say... Rock on!!

Jay

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#303095 - 09/17/09 02:15 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: pseudo]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5797
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
pseudo,

congratulations on your courage. now don't second guess yourself. this business of engaging with others in relationship is a learning process. you've heard that saying: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince. there are a lot of people out there kissing frogs. consider yourself kissed, and just keep on stepping, head held high.

lesson learned: when someone seems to be offering to give me the emotional support that i have been starved for all my life, avoid using them to compensate for the entire lifetime of emotional hunger.

i have found that it is better to let them ask the leading questions, and then just give short answers [without being deceitful, of course]. they don't have to eat the whole pie at once. next time [and yes there WILL BE a next time] if such a question comes up, just ask them exactly what it is they wish to know, then answer that question. intimacy and the trust that grows with it, happens over time.

as a survivor, i want so desperately to be accepted and embraced warts and all, i usually put others' imagined needs before mine, in order to get the job done, and often to the detriment of my own. i usually end up disclosing levels that are not equal or comparable to the level of trust built up to that point. unfortunately, it's a hazard of the legacy of abuse [i think].

ok now, shake it off, and get back up on that horse and ride, my brother!

all the best,

ron

_________________________
Ron Schulz, MSPC, NCC, LPC, CCTP


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#303154 - 09/17/09 11:41 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: Sans Logos]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1988
pseudo,

I see that you took a chance and that is cool. We all make mistakes along the way and learn as we go. I give you credit for taking that chance, something I have yet been able to do.

There is no doubt in my mind that my past is full of mistakes that I have made and had to learn from to grow. And they will happen again.

Also, I feel a little uneasy calling what you list above mistakes. It was all just whatever happened and then you learn from it. Actually, thanks for sharing as I know I learned a bit just reading this. At some point I'm going to need to be brave and do what you did and any advice, stories, etc. is helpful. How I handle my past in a dating situation is a tough one for me.

Eric


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#303218 - 09/18/09 04:43 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: ericc]
pseudo Offline


Registered: 04/06/09
Posts: 33
Loc: Wisconsin
Thanks everybody. smile

I feel much better today. I think it helped to get some feedback here and elsewhere. I goofed up, I'm learning from it, and I can move on. I went to bed pretty miserable, and woke up indifferent. Eh, life goes on.

Yeah, the consensus is that I revealed (way) too much (way) too soon, and I came on too strong. If she wants no more of me or my crap, oh well. I'll try again somewhere else. If she's willing to keep seeing each other, I can take it slowly and see what happens.

In the meantime, I have other things to keep me occupied.

Thanks again!

ps

_________________________
The sun has left the sky, now you can close your eyes, leave all the world behind until tomorrow.

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#303261 - 09/18/09 11:34 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: pseudo]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
pseudo,

I think you took a chance and that was gutsy. You won't know how to do it right until you've done it wrong a few times.

Maybe she won't disappear. Maybe she will. Either way, you've learned a little about pacing as a result of this first date.

Let us know if she gives you a second date or if you try again with another woman.

This is really positive, even if it stings a little now.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#303267 - 09/19/09 02:11 AM Re: I had a date ... [Re: James Landrith]
stripthesoul Offline


Registered: 04/13/09
Posts: 10
This was really brave of you to do. It's hard to take a chance and open up to people, but if we don't, it's impossible to make important connections with people, I think. I'm afraid of my inability to open up to people, and how it might prevent me from developing meaningful relationships, but then sometimes the prospect of putting myself in a position where I could be betrayed again seems like the scariest thing in the world. Kudos to you for doing this though.


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#303286 - 09/19/09 05:49 AM Re: I had a date ... [Re: stripthesoul]
Jaifian Offline


Registered: 05/26/09
Posts: 220
Loc: washington state, USA
It's times like that when I try to just look at it as the price tag for doing better next time.

I know at the time you just feel like giving up, but the more you learn from the experience, the more reason NOT to give up.

But give yourself some time to regroup and start feeling better first, then "get back on the horse" as they say.

I think it's easy to want to self reveal a lot when dating because we want to see if the other person will still be interested in us after they know, but it tends to work against us.

I try to just work on being a good listener and tell the other person only what they ask about. It's slower but much safer!




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#303321 - 09/19/09 03:14 PM Re: I had a date ... [Re: Jaifian]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
I'm glad to know you're feeling better pseudo.

As others said, at least u can b greateful for the experience.

... and .. I think you are strong enough... since you are open to the idea of a true relationship, that's huge. Don't short yourself smile


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