The other night I had an unplanned but scheduled therapy appointment because things have just been building up for me. And well this weekend, I have been sick with a bad cold (surprise).
Anyway, one of the things that is really getting to me is that everything around the holidays has reminded me of my mom this year. Yes I know I hadn't seen her in over ten years but all of these things are pushing this into the spotlight. Christmas is normally a rough time of the year anyway for me without the anniversary of the dreaded phone call regarding my mom closing in on me quickly. (and the first anniversary as well).
So my therapist suggested that I write about some of the memories that I had with my mom and that came up this year. That way they would be a tribute to her and would help me to not have to hold them in my head but be able to release them.
So here are a couple... and Mom, they are in tribute to you, to your love you had for me, to your compassion you had and to the pain you experienced along side of my pain.
"The Christmas Cookies"
Every year as long as I can remember I have been helping my mom decorate christmas cookies. These aren't just any ordinary easy bake cookies... they are specially decorated cut out cookies. First you make the dough just right, than you cut the shapes out and bake them. After that you make the frosting from scratch and decorate each cookie to however you so desire. It is a time consuming process but one that is a lot of fun and for kids of all ages. See the following pictures.
But not only do you decorate these but you give them away to special people in your life (as well to Santa Claus). I have been trying to teach myself over the past few years to make these which I have done, but this year I decided to share this with Jeff. So Mom, someone else helped make these cookies in your place... and he is just as creative as I was when I was a kid... and we even shared them with my classmates, and his mom/sister and a good friend of mine. Everyone thought they were so cute mom... they loved them... and why shouldn't they... they were made just like you showed me to do. They even liked the Christmas crackers that I made.. remember mom what we did with the extra frosting? We would put it between two crackers...
But ever since I remember, my mom would pull up a chair to the counter so that I could cut out some of the cookies myself because I was too short to reach the counter.... And it was a tradition that my mom and I shared every year. Sometimes the rest of the family might join in a little in helping decorate them and more so my little brother, but usually my mom knew she could count on me... and no matter what was going on or how little money we had at the time, we always did this... and I always looked forward to it. So Mom, the cookies go out to you..
I was going to write more, but I just can't do it... too many tears...
Your son... the one that still truly loves you mom..