I am new to this forum. I spent the past 6 months searching for a place to fit on the internet. I needed to find a place I could trust to talk to without being judged. I needed to find a place I could express myself without the fear of humiliation. I needed to feel like I was with people in my presence that could relate to what my pain has caused me. I finally found the people I can consider friends right here on this site.
I spent years of hiding my fears and thoughts as if they were my imagination. I spent years going to college, at least 10 different colleges, trying to feel like I succeeded in something so I could feel better about myself. Well after a couple of years I would quit in fear of failing. I would then move on to a different college hoping for a new start, but ended in the same results- after a couple of years I would quit in fear of failing. This pattern went on for 16 years until I got out of the wheel of rotation. I asked numerous instructors why whenever I reach a certain point in school, no matter how good my grades were, I had extreme headaches and anxiety. I never received a difinitive answer.
I now know why those headaches and anxieties kept springing up. It was my emotions getting at me convincing me that I would fail if I continued my quest for completing school.
For a fear of being a failure, you see I never gave myself a chance to succeed in order to fail. So my failure was there from the start. I lost all confidence in myself and now I sit and look back on the "what ifs". I spent my life hiding and walking through life as if I didn't exist.
I spent years trying to establish relationships. I never could get a relationship established because either they or myself would end it. I did get lucky and have one last 7 months. I went through this rotation of short term relationships 38 times until I grew exhausted mentally and physically. I would cry each time I lost that person wondering what I did wrong or how I could have made it better. When I moved on to my next relationship, I could not move on from the past one due to guilt. I was extremely afraid to get too close to someone. Attending their family functions turned out to be a monumental task to overcome. I would hope their family members didn't know exsist. I would sit there wondering how can so many family members have such a good time together. I tried to remember my childhood but could never remember any good times as a child. All I could remember were beatings, going to porn movies at the drive-in with my mom and stepdad, or feel "loved" by others in a completely different way than laughter amongst others, or having dinner and outings together. What I witnessed with my many ex-relationships' family I could not comprehend therefore had to end the relationship.
As years of these vicious cycles came and went I sit here looking back and quickly realize I am right where I started at. I spent and wasted alot of my and other peoples time trying to find someone that did not exist. That someone turned out to be me. I now realize why I could never hold onto relationships. I was so afraid of having no experience in healthy and happy relationships that I would not have what the other person was looking for. My anxieties and panic defeated me.
Earlier this year I found myself crying uncontrollable with guilt, shame, failure, and not knowing how to love. I was on the verge of a breakdown.
I understand now that I can forget your past but the past doesn't forget me. It showed its ugly head and beat me down. I could protect myself and the child within any longer.
The following CSA experiences kept rushing through my head while my heart was crying for help. They are:
I was around 10 years old when I remember my mom raised her voice from her room to reach my room. She had been on her weekly drunk and she wanted me to come to her room to tell her how much she loves me. I got up and went to her with a smile on my face. I can not recall a time my mom said she loved me. As I entered her room, she instructed me to come and lay with in her bed. I laid next to her and she hugged me tightly letting me know how I was her favorite son. I quickly realized that she was naked underneath the covers. She proceeded to kiss and caress me. She asked me to hold her tighter. I did but I was so scared my mind was racing. She started caressing me again but this time she started lowering her hands down my stomach and onto my legs. I started to tear up and got out of bed to go to my room. I turned to her and said "Mom your drunk you need to sleep". She looked at me to tell me "Son you know I love you so come back to bed and let me show you." I turned and went to my bed and cried the night away.
When I was in the 10th grade, I was an excellent student but decided to hang out with the bad boys that constantly were expelled. I missed school a couple of days in a row hanging out with my friends at their houses. The next day I went to school just like any other day of school. Not to disturb the other students, my teacher quietly approached me telling me the principal wanted to see me. I went to his office and the principal was sitting on the corner of his desk. He asked me if I knew why I was here. I shrugged my shoulders even though I knew. He said he would have to suspend me for 3 days for skipping school. He had called my mom and she assumed that I was in school. He showed me a paddle and told me I had a choice- 3 day suspension or 3 licks and you can go back to class. He said that I was an excellent student and that I should consider the 3 licks so this would be a forgotten issue.
I chose the paddle so he closed the door and told me to bend over. I bent over the desk preparing for the paddle. He said no you need to drop your pants so you can feel the hits. I nervously dropped my pants and bent over on the desk. I felt the sudden pain after the first hit. I wanted to cry but insisted I would not let him get the best of me. The second one came down. The next thing I felt was his hand rubbing on my butt. He said that it wasn't red enough so the last hit he made sure that it was red. He rubbed his hand over me again and decided it was red enough so it would be painful to sit
down. He told me to leave and we would forget about the time I missed school. I never skipped school again.
I had a couple of friends that I hung out with. One day they approached me and asked if I wanted to come to the house to check out his comic books. I agreed and went to his house. He opened his attic and the three of us went up the ladder. Once inside the attic I didn't see any comic books but noticed plenty of porn magazines. He laid on the attic floor and grabbed a magazine. He told me to come check it out. I went by where he was. At that time he undid his pants and pulled them down. He started to stroke himself. I turned to leave but the other boy was blocking the entrance. The boy continued to stroke himself and laughed at me. He told me with authority to bring my hand over to him. I was forced to jerk him off. He got mad at me and slapped me. He said since I did not how to jerk him off I would have to suck on him until he came. He forced me to suck on him and after what seemed like hours he pulled my head off of him and he finished masturbating. He told me I could go now. I turned to the attic opening and the boy at the opening gave me some gum to chew. They both just sat there with that look on their face. The next day while I was on the school bus, he got on the bus. I lowered my head in shame. He passed by me and put his hand on my head to tell me that it felt good yesterday and that we needed to do it again. I never got on that school bus again.
I met a girl when I was around 13 years old. She lived a few houses down from me. We were seeing each other for a few months when she asked if I wanted to come over. I told her that I would like that. We went inside and sat on the sofa. We talked for a few minutes when her dad came into the room. He sat on the loveseat and asked me directly if I wanted to fuck his daughter. I nervously said no we want to just talk. He said "Don't lie you know you want to fuck my daughter. If you want too you need to do it soon because her mom will be home from work in a few hours." His daughter grabbed my hand and told me she would meet me in the bedroom. Her dad had me stand before him. He pulled my pants down and began sucking me. He looked up at me and told me not to worry he was just checking for diseases. Well that was an obvious lie. He finished with me and told me to go in the room where his daughter was. I laid in bed next to his daughter. I could not have sex with her because I was too afraid too. Her dad walks in and asked me to hurry up. He walked in asked me if I needed any help. I told him no. He left and I asked my girlfriend to just act like we had sex. She got out of bed angry with me and told me to leave. I never talked to her after that. It turned out her dad was sexually abusing her.
A couple of years later, my mom's boyfriend came home drunk and was laughing at something. He walked down the hall and stopped at my bedroom doorway. He looked at me and asked what I was doing. He staggered closer to me and jumped on top of me while I was on my bed. He began tickling me and I was laughing uncontrollably. I could see his bloodshot eyes and that grin when he started to unbuckle my pants. He then unbuckled his. He grabbed my hand and forced it in his pants. He had me massage his privates while he massaged mine. It went on for awhile when I heard the front door open and close. He jumped off me to greet my mom at the front door.
I do not know where these perps are today physically. I do not need to know where they are. They do know where I am and that is in my head. They keep me aware of their existence everytime I cry or drink. I cannot leave them they won't let me. They want to stay inside me until I break down in defeat. They make sure I feel worthless. They make sure I fail. They make sure I will go on with my life unhappy. They made sure I would stay confused and vulnerable. They made sure that I would never know how to love or what love means.
I brought sexual satisfaction to them. They enjoyed it. In turn they brought me a lifetime of pain and misery that I could not escape no matter how hard I try. You see they forgot about me and probably do not remember who I was, but I remember them everyday and I will never forget them.
Thank you for reading