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#30144 - 03/17/05 11:37 AM Beyond the secret.
xenoman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Montana
After being told to keep the secret and dealing with the shame came the addictions. They were gradual but grew in intensity. Self gratification, fantasies, experimentations, discovering porn. Each step seemed to push me further and further until I had acted out the SA over and over either in my mind or with someone I came to know in an intimate way. For the most part each had its own pleasure, shame, or torment. My family was seemingly normal but we had the problem of sporadic spree drinking alcoholism of both parents. During these times I felt lonely and unloved and sought out love through my friends that were beginning to experiment with sex. It was convenient to allow the other to please the other so we thought. I often asked myself why did they want to do those things too. Had they been raped also but none ever said so. "They" all seemed to grow out of it I assumed. I was seemingly addicted to being the receiver and didnt seem to mind. After I got married the feelings seemed to go away but would return and then porn would enter into the picture and I kept it a secret from my wife unless I had porn of both male and female. But, she was never really interested in looking at that "stuff" as she called it. I looked at it in secret. I married, we had two children, I was the man of the house so I justified that I was ok. But, there were the reoccuring feelings of being attracted to males. I was always afraid to go there unless I had alcohol. Then pandoras box was open and I felt brave enough to act out what was in my mind. When I sobered up there was the shame and the cleaning out of any porn or any trigger that might open the door again. This behavior continued for years before it was full blown. I told my daughter many years later and that almost destroyed our relationship which had been outstanding until that day. She has since forgiven me but occasionally brings it up. I shudder and tremble and tell her I dont want to talk about it anymore because it is over. One day I hope to have courage to sit down and tell her the real story that is beyond the secret.

#30145 - 03/17/05 09:48 PM Re: Beyond the secret.
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
My family was seemingly normal.
Ah, the secret lives we live. I'm convinced that SA happens more in "seemingly normal" families just because the secret life is already there. My family was "perfect". I remember people saying that about us. And I remember the dark anger I would feel every time I heard those words applied to us. "You have the perfect family." gag.

Then we spend 30 years trying to unravel this intricately contrived facade so we can find the truth. My parents still live the lie. Meanwhile I fight all the things you speak of. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this your whole life. SA is horrible, but secrecy is even worse. I remember an episode of Law & Order one time where somebody said, "Wouldn't it be nice if they (SA offenders) all glowed in the dark?" I would love to flip the lights off at my parents' church while they're sitting in the front row.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#30146 - 03/17/05 10:19 PM Re: Beyond the secret.
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Yup, confusion around sexual orientation, use of porn, drugs and alcohol are all symptomatic of sexual abuse. Although, not all victims of SA exhibit such behaviours, nor is everyone with these behaviours a victim of sexual abuse.
But there is one constant that seems to haunt every victim of sexual abuse, and that is shame.
I hope you are able to share the full story with your daughter, so she has a better understanding.
Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#30147 - 03/18/05 12:41 AM Re: Beyond the secret.
chuck Offline

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Secret lies - I thought I was the only one who had invited the perfect family. I see that you also had that abiltiy which helped me to cope with the abuse. Yes my family went to church every Sunday, which made it even more difficult for me to discern the truth. I still can't remember all the abuse, because I disassociated when it happened. My mind can't remember but my body does with phantom feelings and crying when I don't understand when I am depressed.

My desire is to get my memories back that were thrown in the closet of fear so I can get better. However part of my problem is trying to find the key to open the door. I have tried breaking it down and kicking it but it doesn't seem to budge or break.


#30148 - 03/18/05 10:47 AM Re: Beyond the secret.
TJ jeff Offline

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3554
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Hi Xenoman,

Beyond The Abuse - (sounds like a good title for an abuse survivors book)

At 9 years old I told by abuser Uncle 'No More' - he swore me to secrecy - told me that others would look very badly at me if I mentioned anything that happened told me he'd make my life real misserable - told me that I'd loose what few friends that I had - told me that No-one would even belive a story such as mine...

For 21 years after that I never spoke a word of what hapened to another living soul - Growing up with that 'secret' was rough... - because of my young 'innitiation' my body was fully functional at age 9 and after the abuse stopped I took over with obsessive masurbation and other weird sexual things that I'll not mention here (lets just suffice it to say that it was my own form of self-abuse)(problems that have only just come under control in the past few years)- In my teens I was attracted to the pretty girls but my body just would'nt respond and yet in the locker room when we were in the showers or getting changed then it wanted to react which caused all kinds of shame and confussion - Hell, I'd even catch myself checking out the other boys packages which just re-enforced the shame all the much more - I even had a best friend who kept doing weird things that made me feel shamefull / like, he was always grabbing me by the crotch when we were wrestling or playing other sports (did'nt even know untill after high school that he was gay) - Throughout my high school days I fought the feelings of wanting to be with a guy and even managed to go out with a couple of girls and even though we did have sex it was just a very mechanical type of sex (no feelings attached) - Joined the military for 6 years - Had one misserably failed relationship and have not even so much as dated since - Then one day while looking through the book section in a local store a little boys' face jumped right off the cover of the book and grabbed me by the heart - I bought the book without ever even so much as reading the back cover - the book "A Child Called 'It'" the story of Dave Pelzers' childhood - I was amazed (and saddened) at how much our childhoods were simmilar (although I was never 'rescued') - I have since read all of the books he has written and it has helped me tremendously to understand my abusive upbringing - it was the key that unlocked the door for me to be able to start talking openly about the many forms of my abuseive childhood with others (yes, there's more than just S/A in my past) - Another book that helped greatly was Mike Lews "Victims No Longer" - and this site (what would I ever do without this site!) has helped me in ways that words cannot even describe - I've stepped out of my hermit like ways and am even working with a youth group now in hopes that I may be able to make a possitive impact in their young lives - I am slowly takeing back my life - I've got a long road to travel yet, but I'm no longer affraid of the bumps along the way

Wow - Sorry to write a book here, but I think this is a great topic to be able to show others that there is indeed life to be found beyond the abuse we endured

Journey Well on your road to recovery all,

TJ jeff

Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History


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