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#299621 - 08/17/09 01:30 PM confused
b869 Offline

Registered: 01/26/09
Posts: 767
Loc: Philippines
Everyday at school there's this guy who seats behind me. It wasn't on purpose it was the seat plan. Anyway I don't know what I'm feeling. I know I'm attracted to guys sexually but I never really like 'like' a guy before. It maybe just an admiration or something I don't know...

I think it's okay to be gay... but why am I sacred to find out I'm gay?

I'm so sick of obsessing if I'm gay or not. What's wrong w/ being gay?

Do you choose your sexuality or it just happens?


sorry it doesn't make much sense...


When thing get complicated go back to simplicity

Harvey Fierstein
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

#299635 - 08/17/09 03:03 PM Re: confused [Re: b869]
myboyhoodfears Offline

Registered: 03/13/09
Posts: 457

Edited by myboyhoodfears (08/31/09 07:33 AM)
Post Nubilia Pheobus

#299639 - 08/17/09 03:33 PM Re: confused [Re: myboyhoodfears]
DJsport Offline

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Hi, Marvin.

I try to think about the issue of attractions and sexuality separate especially being a survivor. For me it gets more complicated if I mix the two.

I remember when I was an adolescent and I both admirations for girls and boys. I had "crushes on both girls and boys.

The csa can confuse the issue as you already know.

Our own internatized homophobia is another issue.


Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

#299757 - 08/18/09 04:25 PM Re: confused [Re: b869]
boylikeme Offline

Registered: 08/10/09
Posts: 546
Loc: hell

hi marvin,

dunno if you remembr me but i think we talked in chat once n i think we were about the same age...

just wanted to say im confused too.. n it sucks.. i mean if i learned that one thing feels good then its being sure about something..

i dunno.. i feel attracted to guys.. not so much guys my age tho.. more like guys in their 20s n i guess ppl are gonna think im nuts now... n yea.. maybe its cuz i learned it that way n cuz i really thought i was in love even tho my head tells me i was too young ..

i dunno.. keep tellin myself i should find a nice girl cuz i should at least give it a try, right..

ugh.. im really not helping here, am i

Everybody’s screaming - I try to make a sound but no one hears me (Untitled - Simple Plan)

#299823 - 08/19/09 01:08 AM Re: confused [Re: boylikeme]
michael banks Offline

Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Hi Marvin,

I can remember in my teens that there were a couple of guys that I had crushes on and at times found them sexually attractive. I even had thoughts of hitting on them but didn't because I didn't want to risk losing their friendship if it wasn't well received by them. I think what you are dealing with is the normal growing up process we all go thru. To me our teen years are the toughest phase of life to go thru.
And being a csa survivor only makes these issues more cloudy than they already are.

Try to relax and enjoy life. In time you will figure things out in the natural process of maturing into manhood.

Take Care,


To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

#300113 - 08/21/09 05:42 PM Re: confused [Re: michael banks]
sono Offline

Registered: 07/19/09
Posts: 1069
Hi to all you younger (and older too of course) guys answering this thread. I've gotta echo the other posters and say something here about the importance of just chilling out about whether you're this or that.

If you're here, then someone's messed with your identity compass in a big way and it seems it's gotta be impossible to know what's what and be able to tell up from down! You certainly have many surprises left in store for you and man just relax and try to take them as they come and not think every little something you sense or feel or think means something definitive about your orientation. For instance, for many years I thought the panic I would sometimes have was attraction which I couldn't reconcile with the fact I knew I wasn't into it at all. It was definitely not attraction I now see, it was pure terror and panic and I now know this. My absolute best advice would have to be to try your darndest to not be sexual for a while to get some more distance. For so many of us, these perps gave us a "known thing" to which many guys return without even wanting it, enjoying it or it having anything to do with their real orientation. The only thing we can say with certainty is whatever they may have explicitly or implicitly taught you about yourself, it was all lies. This is a very difficult reality to which one must adjust, I know very, very well. If this is hard to see for a married man in his 40s, I can imagine the impossibility of seeing that when your are still so close to it. One of the biggest difficulties I have is that at the time such a large part of myself was totally fine with it and I thought that said something about me which it didn't. That's getting into my story and that's not the point of this thread.

To all of you guys I wish the absolute best of luck and success trying to make sense out of the wrongs which were done to you, and never forget : it was wrong of those men! you did nothing wrong!

Obviously, I'm talking to myself at the same time as I write you all of you... apologies if you feel my vehemence is over the top for your situation.

Edited by sono (08/22/09 09:45 PM)
Edit Reason: re-considered thought
the family
the perp

#300287 - 08/23/09 04:40 PM Re: confused [Re: sono]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986
After I remembered, at 19, I remember having panic attacks as well and thinking it meant I was gay. If I looked at a guy and had even an inkling of stirring inside I immediately connected it with being gay. Think about going through life without having anyone stir you inside?? I know now before I remembered I just flowed more with things and didn't place judgment. But the remembering just short-circuited everything and I didn't know who I was. It was as if my brain had been given a self-induced session of shock therapy.

I guess my point here or what I am trying to say is that all this stuff is confusing. And especially because of the abuse factor. Don't worry too hard about it and be easy on yourself and you will start to better understand yourself and others and things will get easier.


#300634 - 08/27/09 01:01 AM Re: confused [Re: boylikeme]
zb420 Offline

Registered: 08/16/09
Posts: 251

Edited by zb420 (11/27/09 11:38 PM)
Edit Reason: not safe. sorry

#300665 - 08/27/09 12:18 PM Re: confused [Re: zb420]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Good question, zb. The answer is connected to what is behind the acts with others. Does the sexual stuff replay the abuse when it was happening in the past? (example... if you put yourself into the role of the victim or have no say in what goes on. Does it replay the dynamics of the abuse?)

Does the act represent a change or attempt to change the dynamics of what was going on back then? (example... I had to perform oral sex and now I'm the one receiving it. For some, making the change from being not in control of the act or who you are sexual with to changing into calling for what you want and who you want to be sexual with. This is not bad but it can go too far into being the perpetrator on others who don't want to go along with it.)

Does the act play out as a means of numbing out feelings and thoughts connected to the abuse? Does the sex put you in a state of being high like from alcohol or drugs?

Do the older guys play the role of the abuser in your life or does the relationship feel truly consensual?

Generally, the less experience you have of healthy sexual and friendships, the less able you'll be to see the differences between what is healthy for you and what is a result of unresolved abuse.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#300727 - 08/28/09 03:32 AM Re: confused [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I like to go with the scale of attractions here Marvin, I think all of us can admire a good looking person of either sex. What made "me" clear up my confusion was ONE person. I fell in love with this person, I wanted to always be with this person, I KNEW I couldn't live without this person in my life, my soulmate.

This is probably a bigger answer than you're looking for, but I didn't fall in love with a male or female, I fell in love with my soulmate, and up until that point I had no idea who I was.

I think we will know when the time comes, and we get to know someone, and then all the alarm bells just start going off.

Reduce it down from male/female and look at the person and ask yourself the question's about what you want from a relationship, can this person fulfill those?

Labels are for can's, Marvin

Stay strong



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