Hi guys, just needing someone to talk to right now. There are people around, but you know how it is. I don`t know if I`m getting depressed or what. I don`t think so because when I`m depressed I wake up with this awful feeling of having to face my day and that’s not happening right now. Its just when I get out into my day it overwhelms me.
A few years back I finally put my foot down and got out of an abusive 12 year relationship. Verbally, emotionally, sexually maybe - I`m not sure about that but I`m leaning toward that it was since I`m now impotent. But anyhow , I got out. Cost me everything but the clothes on my back and a suitcase full of the rest of them but it was the best decision I ever made, seriously. Thank god for my folks and their love and support or I might not be around to be writing this today. I`m not drunk 24/7 anymore, not acting out anymore, not a zombie walking through someone else`s life anymore.
I met and am with the most wonderful man I can imagine. Life`s funny that way. Always before I jumped in with both feet into any relationship that I found myself in, but this guy had to win me over. Seriously work at it. And he did. And its not been an easy four years. His job ended, I got laid off, we`ve started a new business, we`re always broke, we came up HIV positive, my dad died, his mom died, but we really love each other and it all seems OK. He knows about my abuse, its no secret. We don`t talk about it a lot, I don`t really need to anymore.
But lately I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Hell, the world isn`t falling in. I found a part time job to get us through the slow season with this first year of our business. We have a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs and ……… its just all getting to me. He`s found a ranch he wants to buy and it scares the hell out of me. Not living on a ranch, been there, done that. Not moving away from this town, I don`t particularly care for it here. But he has to sell all he has to do it and……..thats all we`ve got. I`m a foreigner here and work is much harder to find. You can`t just get a green card and go looking. And he`s over 50 and age discrimination is the standard in this country.
I don`t know how to explain it. It just all seems too much. I keep thinking I`ll get a good nights sleep and I`ll be able to deal better in the morning. I get the good nights sleep, feel alright, get down here to the shop and it just starts up again.
Just pisses me off my uncle stole what by rights should have been natural to me. My strength as a man, my ability to cope. Damned asshole, of course that was his plan all along.
And that why I love my guy so much. His strength as a man and his ability to cope with just about anything life throws at him and lend me his strength to boot.
Thanks for listening