Hey my friends,
I am so mixed up and confused about my difficulty with writing about this. I don't know how appropriate it is because it goes against all we know as survivors. I am torn in my feelings and why I am having them. Some may see me as excusing my abusers behavior-I am not, not at all ever. I just don't know why talking about this one perp and what he did to me should be so different and experience for me then the others. I can't even from a distance seem to be able to get close to talking about what happened. WHY????
Not sure if any of you can offer me any help on this. I thought that maybe posting it and asking help from the other survivors might be helpful for me here. I just don't want to upset anyone too.
I have provided what I was able to write below. What are your thoughts on posting it in the forum, can anyone identify with these issues ?
triggers possible please take care of yourself and your boundaries before reading my friends.
Every year we would have this big family reunion it was always the third weekend in July. It was held at Great-Uncle Max's cabin on his lake.
I know now that great-uncle Max was of no blood relation but had been a constant presence in my family for two generations. Uncle was a term of devotion and honor that those of us of related blood or blood through marriage gave to this man out of love and respect for him.
He was a good man by all accounts. He was kind and generous and hard-working. He was a well respected practicing family doctor within our community for 60 years, before retiring. He was generous and giving and supported financially and through volunteer work two generations of our towns youth sports, activities, camps, civic and community projects. He was genuine in his capacity to give back to the community that even today I think that he loved a very great deal.
However, there was another side to Uncle-Max. This is that he had a sexual attraction to children. I was one of 100's of children throughout two generations that Max "loved".
He was always there or we were he was a big part of not only family reunions but of family happenings, births, deaths, Baptisms, Communions, birthdays, Christmas, Easter, bar-b-ques life happenings in our family were inclusive of Uncle Max. Then too we were all treated by him as his patients. He also provided school check ups sport physicals. He was "present".
I am finding it difficult to focus in on a particular event of memory of the molestation and abuse because it was such a constant and ongoing thing of my childhood. Also because it was not an overly secret thing our community knew about it in fact children grew into adults and these adults had children who then turned their children over to this man for care having themselves been abused by him. It is so bazaar to me looking at it now. How could this dynamic take place. Everyone knew no one did anything about it other then given the strictest warnings of we don't discuss or talk about it. The big TABOO, A NO NO. Not done period.
Thing is we all loved uncle Max think many of us still do and miss him he has been missed since his death. And I know he loved us all too. However, there is this abusive side to him which I can't seem to reconcile. Truth told I am having a great deal of trouble even now trying to focus my thoughts emotions memories. It is hard to put him into the category of a child molester and abuser because it does not define the man but none the less he was because of what he did. So hard because of fact the most powerful and the strangest thoughts and feelings when I think of uncle Max is love, having loved him, and being loved by him. Where is the hate, the revulsion, the anger, and the hurt, I have these for my other perpetrators even those within family or outside of who I love(d) and still care(d) for. But not so with uncle Max. I am confused as to why this should be. What is different in his case.
Why do I feel like I am betraying him. Betraying the family, betraying his memory, our community and committing the long established and still enforced today Taboo of talking about it. Why should it feel so wrong to talk about this.
I had thought that when I sat down to begin to write this journal entree that I would just describe a memory of an event that happened and the rest would follow. However I can't. I am so torn. I just don't know.
I am sorry. I need to get into contact with the specifics of what happened. I have to process what occurred address my thoughts and feelings. I know this long established silence is unhealthy. I am just stuck on how. How do I go against everything that was good, everything that was accepted, all I have been told throughout my life. How do I betray all this to focus on the bad.
It seems I can't.
Such a coward at heart I guess. A contributor to the conspiracy of silence. It makes me feel shamed and pathetically passive. WHY, WHY, WHY?????
If you are able to help me with this please, please offer me some feed back. I know where I need to go here I know what he did to us was so very wrong but how do I resolve this conflict within me? Am I crazy to try?
The abuse was non-violent, unforced, it simply was. It really never had a negative component or consequence for me until now when I am confronting my issues finally. I know intellectually that he abused me. So why the difficulty?