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#315425 - 12/20/09 11:48 PM Re: I'm scared and confused [Re: Parceiro]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
Parceiro,

I am a survivor of CSA. I have had symptoms of it for years but only now remember the abuse itself. I have been married for 17 years and we have had good times and bad. It took me a couple of weeks to disclose what I have been remembering and it will take time to truly understand all that was wounded in me. My wife has been wonderful and except for one slip has buttressed me for being such a good man despite every reason in the world not to be. But I have told her not to put me on a pedestal. If I am hurting her or the children in any way, she should leave me.

Bottom line, NO AMOUNT OF ABUSE SUFFERED IS JUST CAUSE FOR YOU TO ACCEPT ABUSE FROM THAT PERSON. I am sorry to yell, but please understand that point. Do not give in to emotional blackmail of suicide threats. Call a crisis line for him and call it quits.

If you choose to continue: Follow Ronald Reagan's maxim on arms control which is trust but verify. If he is in a relationship, you must set the boundaries of acceptable behavior and require methods to verify such as passwords on all email accounts, SAA membership and polygraphs. If he fails, then you must leave for your own good and his.

In either event, you are not married at this time and do not have kids. This is the prime time to realize that nothing good can come of this and move on.

Sadly, I found methods of coping in a healthy way (I accepted Jesus in my life, dealt with my sexual issues and entered into a healthy marriage, becoming the father I never had), while my brother (who was kidnapped and abused with me) drank, did drugs, acted out sexually and ended up killing himself after molesting a 7yo girl. My wife is the first to tell you she had nothing to do with who I am as relates to my response to the CSA. By continuing, you may only produce children condemned to the same hell your husband suffered. Sorry for the unvarnished comments. May God guide your decisions.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#315440 - 12/21/09 01:29 AM Re: I'm scared and confused [Re: catfish86]
Patience Offline


Registered: 11/26/09
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
I'm sitting here trying to think of something wise to say. Instead I will share where I am. I can totally relate to your situation and how you are feeling. I am so confused about what direction to turn. At one point I could have written your post. The difference is I am now left alone to raise two very young children. I don't know what lies in our future. I struggle with what is best for them and me.

I had no idea of the lifelong effects of CSA before a couple months ago. By then I had been betrayed, lied to and hurt so deeply. Like you I am a smart, beautiful, successful woman. I have been told more times than I can count how amazed people are that I am holding it all together. That they can't imagine raising one child alone and here I am raising two.

This is the only place that I can admit (besides at T) that I am not holding it together as well as everyone thinks. The simple fact is that I have no choice but to go on with my life. A part of me died when I found out about my husband's affair and his acting out. I cannot describe the pain that I feel raising our children without him. Some of the things he has said to me and done to me are cruel. I get the emotional blackmail all of the time. I have heard the suicide threat at least 10 times in the last 5 months. He knows how deeply he has hurt me. He did not set out to do that. I have no doubt that he loves me. Still this is how our life has played out and how I am treated. He does not know any other way to act. He is hurting more than any of us and loathes himself for what he has done. It's not how he wants to be. Yet this is how it is.

I live everyday with guilt when I look at my children. At this point they do not have a relationship with him. This is so incredibly wrong for them. They deserve a Dad. I hope that his therapy works at a level that he can be a part of his kids lives. I am glad that he is finally reaching out for help but he had to lose so much. His older children are now going through yet another breakup with our marriage. They despise the other woman involved and are disgusted with their father. He has never hurt them physically but the emotional scars are so deep. With them he (as well as his ex) have continued the cycle of damage. I fight everyday to figure out how to protect my children. The answers are not black and white.

If I had known what I do now I would have made the choice of either him or children. I was not told the facts that I needed so that I would have known I should make that choice. It's a lot to carry on your shoulders. When I see kids with their Dads, it makes me angry and hurt because my kids are robbed of that.

I was always a very optimistic person. I try to find hope where I can. I can only share my experience and I would second everything that Catfish said. I would really think about the children thing. If I had a do over, I never would have had children with him. I hate that I have become so cynical. I do not mean this post to be a blanket statement of CSA survivors. From this board I have seen that many of them are great fathers. It's just my experience with one who I love very dearly.


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#316711 - 12/29/09 02:09 AM Re: I'm scared and confused [Re: Patience]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 832
Loc: Ohio
Patience,

There are no simple answers, that is the simple answer. It is hard to say. I know if my mother didn't have one more with my dad, I wouldn't be here. Ironically, one of the best decisions she probably made was to get him away from us. Unfortunately, she then allowed dad's brother to have access to us after dad died. That is when I was raped, tortured and almost killed. I learned early on that you cannot change what is past, only the future. There is a common prayer, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. With your children, be cautious in reintegrating your ex into your children's lives. Be alert to danger signs. At the same time, you are right that the most hurting person in the picture is your ex-husband. LIke you said, I don't want to give the impression there is no hope but don't be blind either. My brother and a brother in law are two taht I would never leave alone with my children.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Top
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